Livid (trigger warning: grotesque)

1st off, I am a trans man. New adult and in college. This situation isn’t an easy “switch schools” solution, as said before I’m paying to go here. I’m very aware it’s not only men, I’ve had my share of women too, they’re more stalkery and obsessive while men are sexually disgusting and have no sense of respect. It’s just mainly men. You are lucky to not have to deal with them at all.
School is always complete shit, so I was hoping that going to college would be different, because it’s much more mature and organized, and they would give more a shit about their students, since you are all literally adults and paying to go there but NOPE. I’m… Gonna have to drop out for now. But ofc our school director is not on campus again because he doesn’t give a shit about this school and is probably at home sleeping.
You’re very lucky. Oh you are very lucky. You have no idea how exaughsting it is to deal with people like this. Be greatful. The events that I speak of have occured a while ago. But as I continue running into them it pisses me off more and more. Though I don’t think it has to do with gender at all, it’s just where you are in the world, yea all of the world can be pretty shitty wherever, but specific places have more of them, it’s like a nest of them. Man, woman, doesn’t matter. There are a ton of them in the area I’m in. They are pathetic though, most of the time you think they just need alot of help, but then you realize they don’t plan on changing, they want forever blame others for their bullshit. I remember every one of these shitty people in my life, they all did the same thing to me. Used me, hurt me and then blame me for it. I would talk about the more dark situations, but I can’t because I don’t want to think about those times again. So the best idea I can give you, is enabling self harm and degrading you for no reason, as well as making themselves look better than you after hurting you to make them feel less of a shitty person. It’s sad that it gets darker than that. They’re the type of people who see horrible they were, but they can’t live knowing that so they put it all on you, and raise their ego even more by calling you the egotistical one. The best and lightest example I can give is from that hentai dude. He basically did alot of creepy shit and I didn’t know how to make him fuck off (kids don’t kow how to deal with weird shit) other than muting him and becoming desesitized to the point where every time I talked to him it was just a routine “Oh it’s the degenerate again” trying to get him to talk about his life rather than his weird fucking fetishes constantly bombarding me with the sexual harassment. But in the end he didn’t actually have a personality, even admited he was borderline pshycopathic, and blamed me to his parents for the porn they found on his phone with everything he was texting me. He also sent me a few pics of himself I was not at all interested in. When I say sexual harassment I mean that he would dress himself in something, write my name on it and send it to me. During all those years all I wanted was him to just open up instead of coming to me just to talk about his weird porn shit again, but he never had anything to talk about to me other than his fetish drawer. By that I mean the lint roller he stuck up his ass for a good 8hrs and sent to me in picture. During this time I learned he didn’t really have any friends in his life, but that could have been an excuse to keep me from blocking him. I tried my best to sympathize with him, because I lost my toxic friends but was alone. He ended up being the last person I cut out of my life because of that, I gave him one last chance to be a human to me but all I was met with was “what would you do if you were alone in the woods at night” and I decided fuck this. I swear to God I have never been blessed with one normal friend in my life. He is a person I’m pretty sure is stalking me, as he is so ashamed of his actions that he tried to bring me into it. I have no care at all anymore about it. Once someone assumes something fucked up about me because his rumours, I just don’t care anymore because he’s done it so many times I’m just like “Oh so you beleive a degenerate more than your own friend hoping you still have your own sanity left within you? Okay, go fuck yourself. In the end you’re the one telling me how you want to piss in our teachers eyes and ears, so go ahead, call me a degenerate.” Because they really are that way. That dialogue is a true story btw lol, I’m not just talking out my ass. Dissapointing that there’s so many weird fucking people in this world tbh. And then they say “I’m just joking chill out bro!” Lol how about I grab your throat and throw you into a trash compactor? Haha! Isn’t that funny? It’s funny because that’s where you belong, get it now? Yea :clap: great comedy :clap: much funny. I swear people like this have fucked up my head way too much. I’ve met way too many people like this, I just want one normal person in my life… one person that is like me. And the things they say only get weirder and more disturbing. It makes me just want to shoot myself to know people like this exist in this world. And having to continue being around them, I just might. I mean apparently it’s normal to save someone’s life and then ask them if they can dislocate your finger, and telling them the most disturbing ways they would kill you. Because that’s normal! Yea! That’s totally normal! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Humanity is fucking disgusting. I hate to say it but sadly it is true. I’ve never been blessed with meeting one normal gen Z kid, at least mellinials at mostly normal, idk wtf happened to gen Z but Jesus are they fucked. Then again, it could just be where I live. I’ve always wondered why this happens to me. I have always tried to avoid them, but they always see me as the ideal person to hang around and tell all their most fucks up stories. Maybe because I’m desenstized enough to not straight up just say “dude wtf is wrong with you?” Maybe they think I’m fucked up too? I have no idea, only sort of fucked up I am is being around them so much I know which vocabulary to use around them. But I don’t want that, I just have that now because these little shits. I can’t tell you how much I just want to have more hope in humanity and live life helping them. I just want wholesomeness. But that’s living a lie.
My mom says he’s just “joking” and he says he’s just “joking” but you know what I say? I say you’re being pretty fucking gay being so obsessed about your own dick. It’s not even funny, so just go fuck yourself. It’s not even that I dont know how to spot them, I actively avoid them and they still push their way into my life.
I know this is all some really fucked up shit to talk about, but being around these people so much I feel like I might just be overreacting, but I know to the normal person im not.
I had a topic about your teacher but idk where I went, anyways I’m sorry she was so shitty to you, school is horrible, and the bigger it gets the worse the people are in majority wise. Idk if ur still in school or not but i hope you aren’t.
-X &Mori


Hey I feel you. I may not relate to your whole situation and I’m sorry to hear about this happening. But I wanted you to know you are not alone in how you feel because I keep getting backstabbed by bad friends or end up getting close to people who end up being manipulative and I have had them threaten me for loyalty. I honestly can’t tell you it gets better because I’m just a teenager trying to find his place in the world and I know you’re a young adult who feels confused as well.

I’m sure in time we’ll both begin making better friends :slight_smile:


Hi Systemofconfusion
I can see that you are in a lot of pain and I am sorry. I think you are right that I am lucky in some ways. I have good friends I think and a family that cares about me (even tho we are not a perfect family and I have a very complicated relationship with my mother). But I have not been lucky in some other ways. I dont have an experince with sexual predators but I have experience with other kinds of predators unfortunatelly. People who see your empathy and use it against you. You want to help them and they take and take and when you cant give anymore they will spit on you and leave you.

I just want to say that I know that there are bad people. I almost killed myself because of such person a few months ago. I know you are livid and you have every right to be so. Shitty school, and a whole bunch of messed up people. I thought that me and my friends were a bit weird but compared to the people you described we are the epitome of normality. Those people are fucking weird. I want to tell you that most people are not like that (at least where I come from). In my experience those people cling to you because of your empathy. Because you listen to them, try to help them and not judge them but they just want to use and drain you. You are a good person that wants to help that is why they are targetting you. I think that is why Mori exists, because Mori wants to protect you from such people.

But dont think all people are like that, they are not. Look at the people here. We might not be normal but we sure as hell are not evil. We see bad things happening every day but there are good things happening too. They might be more subtle but they exist. I am so sorry there are not more of them happening around you. I wish there were but I cant control that.

I know you dont know me and I dont know you but I want to ask you something. Can I be you friend? I know that we cant see each other and we live on the other side of the globe but still. I am not normal. I suffer from depression. I have a mother that is an alcoholic. I overthink. I have mood swings. I tried to kill myself several times . I like metal music, I am an atheist, I am 20 years old, I like DnD, horror movies and pineapple on a pizza. That is about that. As I said I am not normal and I am not even sure if I am a good person but I am not evil and i try my best not to be. I would like to be your friend. I understand if you dont want to but I want you to know that from what I read you seem like a great person that I would like to consider my friend. :slightly_smiling_face:


I’m sorry you have had people who use your empathy against you, they are the worst, you do so much for them and they treat you like a backround character. I’ve had some good friends at college latley, but sadly I will not be seeing them anymore. The good ones always leave the quickest, and they’re there for too short of a time for you to get close enough to them and keep them.
Don’t kill yourself because of toxic people, I almost did too, had a friend who meant everything to me in life, even if it meant overlooking the worst parts of them, because they were my best friend. My only friend. Had no one anymore at that time, so we clung to eachother. But they ended up using me and being a horrible person. I felt so stupid at the time, and I wanted to kill myself over and over. It’s a long story but it’s in one of my topics somewhere anyways, trauma topic. But yea, you really can’t ever fully put your trust in somebody, and it hurts.

I had a good chuckle reading this. I’ve come across many people in these communities who are always saying “Promise you won’t be weirded out? I don’t want you to laugh/leave/get angry bc it’s so embarrassing.” Sweetie I’ve seen it all XD and I’ll say that, but they don’t beleive me. Trust me there are worse things out there. It usually doesn’t end up bad when you meet the people that feel embarrassed about it being weird, because they’re very aware of themselves and that they don’t want to put something uncomfortable on you. Creeps on the other hand, don’t give a fuck. The closest they get to caring is that they’ll do it and say after “Just lemme know if I’m making you uncomfortable and I’ll stop” and they never stop and make excuses or joke about it.

Pretty much, what’s sad, is I’ve gotten so used to some of the weird ones that I’m completley desensitized and I don’t realize it’s weird anymore. I either think it’s funny or have absolutely no opinoin and amuse them. What I didn’t realize until I got older is they truly, in their heart do get off on that shit and I used to think it was just a joke. When I realized that it wasn’t, it terrified me, so I tend not to think about that part much. Don’t do what I do though, because it only attracts them to you. I just do it because if I let myself think about all those times back then, and realzie the reality of it, I may just lose my fucking mind. It’s just… So fucking weird. What sucks the most about desensitization though, is that after a while you acquire an ability to speak like them to protect yourself. And you tend not to care, since afterall, you’re desensitized. Then again tho, since I was raised around them for so long, I thought it was normal after a while. And then I met actual normal fucking people: myself, and my headmates. And I realized “Wow, no wonder I always felt like a normal human being and was fearing for my life constantly and hated humanity so much.” My intuition was always there, I was just raised to ignore it, which caused all this fear. Part of it was my mom’s misguidings, the other was being in a place with highly insane people for many years. Though, I think we were all insane in this specific area, in this generation, including me. What changed was alot of us were supposed to grow out of it. But we didn’t grow out of it. I grew out of it but Mori didn’t. It could have very well been what created Mori, I always felt they were from those damn medications, though self defense could have been the concluding factor of them forming. Mori hates everything though. Whether it’s self hatred or misanthropy.
I think the more south you go the more fucked up it gets because religion, as there’s a mild correlation with creeps and religion. Another reason I loathe it so much. My bio father is religous, and the last thing he every wrote to me was some weird shit about comparing atheists to santa? Then again he’s rotting in a prison cell so thankfully someone may have given him a bit of brain damage… Hehehe. Fuck that guy.

Sure ^~^
As you can see though, depending on the people I’m surrounded by, my triggers, and Mori showing up because of them, it highly affects my positive/negative outlook and feedback on things. As you can tell I’ve been very pissed off, but I can be very happy and peaceful, wanting to just love and help people, or extremly hostile and unpredictable hating everyone and everything. I’m very bipolar, but they’re always for justified reasons, I make sure to control my emotions depending on the morality of it. Since I don’t like the hostile side of “me” whether that is me or Mori, I can’t tell sometimes because they front like a flip of a switch. I hate the negative side to me, as it only shows up when I’m surrounded by danger. I guess Mori really does change me when I’m around danger. I think I just bottle things up so much that it creates a side of me I can’t control emotional wise.
But yea, I actually never show the angry side of myself to anyone unless they’re about to leave my life, or I explode, which I don’t do often in public. Though here, it’s kinda reversed, I show my anger publicly but hide it privately lol. But I just wanted you to be aware of this, since you have seen this side to me.
I’m very aware of not expressing my anger around people privately, and I will not do that, because I feel bad for showing a side of me I fear, hate, and do not understand, but I’m just naturally a very passionate person, in good or bad, and I trust this place.

Then again, I’m very suprised, after all you have read, you still want to be my friend.

That touches me. ^~^

We accept :3
As said before, I am an 18 yo trans NB gay male. I have 7 headmates if you include Mori, and I try my best to help them all. I also suffer from depression, possible bipolar and OSDD symptoms. I have a possibly slowly growing phobia of men. I daydream alot and overthink constantly due to certain triggers. Have made several impulsive suicidal attempts in the past which causes me to fear myself. I love any kind of music (except country lol). Art is pretty much my life, it takes up my appetite and my sleep. I live by my own religion and I call it “Living for myself” and love to create existence and reality, and make my own rules. I am neither good nor bad, I just let my actions let other people decide my worth. I have a deep sense of empathy for others, that I am still trying to understand and protect. All I have ever wanted was to be happy, and live a normal wholesome life with a friend or a pet. I want a cat or a dog but never have been blessed with one by the universe. I wish for my headmates to not deal with my bullshitery of depression, as it affects the bridge to the front space but I have an obsession of making sure we are all safe. I LOVE pizza!!! But I’m a terribly plain and picky sugar addict. When there is something I like I will binge eat it and then forget to eat for a while until said food is back. Basically trash lol. I both love and hate food. I love videogames but I am terrible at shooter games. I love psychological horrors or adventure games like genshin impact! Or Omori!
I’m very shy but I love talking when I get comfy! And I talk aloooootttttttt
Niko says hi btw,
We would all love to be friends ^~^
Stay safe,


Pineapple and pizza? Oh with the audacity! Actually, that sounds good to me.

Having read the exchange between the two of you, I am both deeply touched and impressed. In spite of all the pain and mistreatment you have received, you are still able to open your heart to another person in a meaningful way. A lot of people who have been through what you guys have been through, crawl into a shell, becoming bitter and lonely.

Some people who are emotionally damaged, respond to it by resolving never to be like those who hurt them. For them, compassion and empathy is built upon their sad experiences. Others who have received damage, respond to it by becoming the kind of person who damages others. I think the odds are pretty good that both of you have suffered at the hands of damaged people. Their actions are not justified, based on the fact that they were also hurt, but I think it makes it easier not to hate them. Keep in mind, accusers are very often, “projecting” their own problems at you. For example, a thief tends to think that everyone steals. A liar often believes that everyone is telling lies. Therefore, when someone accuses you, there is a good chance they are simply providing a self report, or an unintentional confession of how their mind works.

I have a couple of things to say about “normal” friends. I tend not to “make” friends. Instead, I recognize them, based on their positive attributes, such as compassion, honesty, and integrity. Of course, that doesn’t mean I’ll be spending much time with them, but I feel I could trust them not to hurt me, and probably help me if they could. I must be really lucky, because I have been around quite a few people who are like that.

The other thing is, I believe that “normal,” if such a thing was possible, would be pretty boring. It’s better to be abnormal in a fulfilling and nondestructive way. I tend to be more comfortable around people who in one way or another, are unapologetically weird, as long as that weirdness doesn’t lead to harming others. When I was a kid, I was embarrassed by my weirdness, but I came to understand that it was hugely instrumental in developing my creativity, and understanding. So, celebrate your weirdness, or more accurately, your uniqueness.


Thank you friend :blush:. I honestly think that you are great. I have read your posts but they did not discourage or appalled me. You are a complex person that has many sides to them. You have been through a lot and you are going through a lot. You say that you dont like showing your bad/angry side. I think that is what we have in common. When i am mad around somebody it means I trust them enough but even so I dont like it. I can bottle up emotions and hide them. I have become good at that unfortunately.

I think you are a nice person. Even after all you have been through you are trying to help people and be compassionate. I admire that. I think you are very strong because only a strong person can do such a thing.

Btw a have not revealed my biggest secret yet… I have never watched Game of Thrones… Yeah… Let that sink in…. :slightly_smiling_face:

I am glad to be your friend and I am glad that I can consider you to be my friend too. Whenever you feel down or angry or sad you can text me ok. I will try to be there for you as best as I can. :slightly_smiling_face:

Stay safe for now. I know you are going through some hard times but I know you can make it. As I said before you are strong. I am happy to have a friend like you. Take care now. :wink:


It’s because I know not all people are like this, and it’s wrong to let yourself assume so, and hurt other people in the process. I see no reason to hate or hurt people who I feel contain no malice in them. It’s just morally irrational, what reason would I have hurting and hating someone who I can clearly tell has no reason to hurt others and has no twisted or demented intentions. Though that doesn’t mean I fully trust them, I can’t let myself. I’m always thinking, feeling, and seeing at fucking both 1 and 0 constantly. It’s hard to see what’s real because of that, because in the end the only answer to reality is perspective. But I’m seeing the reason I’ve been feeling that way latley is because I’m surrounded by toxic people, I just have to take a little break. Being around toxic people just fills me with vile hatred.
It’s easy to give compassion but I am still reminded of a humans capability to be truly horrible. So I have a huge tendency to isolate myself around people unless spoken to.

I’m very aware of that, what I means is specifically the destructive odd ones. At this point in my life, being around horribly weird people, my scaling of weird has changed alot, to me weird is destructive. And unique is normal. To me weird and unique are 2 very different things. Weird is disgusting and creepy, Unique is fascinating and new and interesting. Unique is normal to me. Weird is pestilence. It’s the sickness that kills all the innocent in this world. I don’t categorize your idea of weird with weird, if that makes sense. Though I still use it in the societals general vocabulary, because no one understands me if I don’t.

Friends sound like they are pretty much just “connections” in your sense, to me they are the most important thing in my life, that I have to be very careful about making them. The have the biggest impact on my life. Just to know that I’m not the only person in existence exploring life and trying to make sense of it, and helping eachother out, gives me comfort that im not alone. Even so, I restrict myself from becomng too close to them, and keep myself very closed off, because it’s best for my safety. Sometimes I’m not careful enough though, and… It hurts… I noticed that I’m way more distant when it comes to school friends or those I can tell are also pushing me away. I tend to not pay it any mind, but when I do, it hurts. It hurts… Really fucking bad. Like the friends I’m leaving right now from college, because I had to leave. I didn’t tell them anything. I really care about them. But I can’t tell them anything unless I know it’s affecting them emotionally. It hurts… Knowing the amazing people will leave my life, and all I am left with… Yet again… Is horrible shitbags. It really makes you just want to fucking die… Shit. Hahahahahha… It drives you mad.

And that is why I can’t let myself think about it, remember, feel, or care about them actively. It’s why I can’t get close. It’s why I have to stay as closed off as I can. So nothing matters anymore. At the same time though, I am capable of caring about them passively, and hoping the best for them, knowing it’s the best for them that I leave. And being close to them as well as being open with them. I can do both at once, which is why it’s so complicated for me, and why it drives me so mad, because I am capable of doing both at the same time. I’m too unpredicatble for myself I am always on edge, I always have my gaurd up, and I am always stressed. I don’t really know how to explain it exactly, since I haven’t explored this part of myself much. I could probably ask Syra, but I’m still too tired to get into that rn. I’m hoping as these weeks go by my energy replenishes and I feel better. After all, the only people who will truly stay with me in life are my headmates, they kinda like to make that known alot lol, no matter how much I block them out. They will leave for days but once the mind clears they are back again. That tells me it’s only the storms in the mind that cause these issues with intrasystem communication. We are all overworked and tired, and Mori usually ends up being within the eye of that storm.

I lack care of being embarrassed by what makes me unique, and I guess that’s because of the people I have met. If anything I protect the parts that are unique about me, like being a system. Those are my brothers, and if anyone were to insult them, that would be the last thing coming out of their mouth. They deal with my stressful mental issues enough already, and I don’t want to expose them to the horrible energies of this world, it’s prolly why I’m always fronting when stressed, I don’t want them experiencing it. Hm… I guess I’m a little overprotective. Shit my bad. Even so, we all still stay positive.
Creativity is probably the most important thing one can have in their existence. In existence itself. In the end we could all be someone else’s dream, but that doesn’t matter, because it’s our dream to live, which is why it’s so important. The ability to create is the biggest gift we have ever been given, it’s what created our self awareness, it gives us life. Without it, well, you’ve seen what has happened to people who are overworked like robots. It hurts me me so much seeing that. Not everyone’s mind and body can be robotic like that. It’s probably why I found myself constantly drawing and daydreaming in class. I wasn’t born to sit down and write shit down. “Hack” my brain all I can, but it’s not what I fucking want, so I will not live in a way that will inevitably kill me. I will not hack my brain so others can control it. I’m only gonna live once for all I know so I will live it to its fullest.

Huh. Went on another rant ig.
Noticed I talk alot in my posts. Irl, I’m the opposite, I do not talk at all, unless given permission or comfy. Though all I want to do is talk, I’m a very social person. After all, how else are we going to grow as people without communication? We exist together, so why wouldn’t we help eachother.
Have a nice day,


You are so awesome, I love reading your posts and I’m curious to get to know you more, it’s nice being in SWAT team with you guys ^~^ I really would like to just sit down and chat after sessions with all of you.
Dm me if you ever need anything to get off your chest, whether that is the discord or here, I am always here to listen. (I’m locked from main chats in discord ._.)

Hehe! I haven’t watched it either XD but my friend from school was SO PISSED when she finished the show! It’s been about a year now and if you bring it up to her she gets so angry about it lol!

Fun fact about me: I have never eaten a bagfull of certain foods before, to the point where if someone is eating them I will not know the name if they ask what it is.
Ex: My friend was eating an enchilada and I compared it to a burrito. She was so mad at me she told me to stop ruining food for her because all I eat is sugar🤣
Another friend full on stopped her car in the middle of the road when she learned I never had a cucumber or pickle before, and was so shocked she was practically screaming- no scratch that she was screaming about it the whole time because she was so shocked and when she was a kid she’d grow cucumbers out in the field and ALSO it’s her fav food so ofc she’s gonna freak out. Told me she was gonna make me try one, same for the enchilada friend XD
So let THAT sink in, way worse than me :joy:
Literally ask me any common food and I’ve probably never had it.

Is it okay to not just talk when sad or upset? Like a friend to talk to about silly stuff and joke and play viddy games with? (\\ ͠° ~ ͠°\\)

Take care of yourself, I know that people can be horrible and hurt you, but don’t let them control you, and I know that’s hard too, but rememebr if you ever feel bad, I’m willing for you to get better, because I know you will :blush:


Connections, yes, but for my part they exist at a very deep level. I usually feel that I could trust them with my life and fortune.

I’ll have to come back tomorrow to look again at your thoughtful response. At the moment, I can’t keep my eyes open an longer. Talk to ya later!


I am also curious to know you more. You sound like an awesome and interesting person. We can deffinitely sit down after sessions and chat. I would love to do so. :slightly_smiling_face: It is just kind of late in my country but still i would love to. I might just sound a bit tired.

There are plenty of foods I have not tried either. I am trying to learn how to cook so I hope that will change in time. :slightly_smiling_face: I have tried cucumbers and pickles before (and it really is not that good :no_mouth:) We can talk about food if you want. I am honestly curious about the differences between our two parts of the world.

If you are feeling blue or upset or just want to get anything off your chest just DM me ok. I might not respond immediately (time zones and stuff) but I will do my best. I am glad to know you. Take care of yourself now and try to enjoy the weekend. :wink:


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