Hi Heartsupport Fam
Before you read this please know that the following may be included TW: self harm, suicidal thoughts, threats from roommate, negative talk, childhood abuse (sexual and physical).
I am sure that no one else but myself can solve the issue at hand but right now my mind and judgement on it all is telling me there is only one way and that way is not a good way. Just under 2 years ago I moved in with at the time my partner. Stuff went smoothly for just about a year or so and than began to fall apart horribly. It was as if the true colors of him were falling off in shades that I hadnt seen. Started with just anger issues that were very not controlled. Than got worse with him being very disrespectful to me directly. It had become finally physical well about 2 months ago we decided to split and just reside in the same home. It was going okay with tough moments. But nothing too hard on either side. Well today might have just pushed me beyond what I can handle. To a spot where all I want is to know that it will be okay but I cant see that and have no hope for it. If it wasnt for the fact that I have a friends dog to get to them in August and than my elderly dog jake whom doesnt entirely have a full plan for his safety this wouldnt be the post I would be making. I would be making my final goodbyes. I was so close to just doing that this morning. The world around me has become out of control that when I want to feel safe I cant. I feel like I am back with people in my family who at the smallest of things would become angry and it didnt end safely. I just want to feel comfortable to believe I am okay and not going to be hurt. I would like so badly to know that I am not a burden because of all my health issues or the fact that I dont make much like others because I am disabled. I dont want to continue to fight for what just keeps being this. Living right now is more of a battle than it feels worth. My shell that was hold me has become cracked and I am struggling to fix it. I also know that right now it has become super hard to move forward with all my other trauma. I had been healing from it and now I feel like I am back to a ground I wasnt before.
Earlier in the week I broke almost a 3 year streak of self harm free. And now it is like what point does it have. What point do I stop trying to fix me and let the broken piece be the broken pieces that make up this very broken human. My dog today whom is trained to help me curled in my lap when my friend came and took us to her home and just didnt know how to comfort me to help me in the moments she was feeling bad that she cant be the protector from what hurts me. She helps me with so much and in the moments of tears and fears she couldnt fix it. It breaks me to think that the effect this is having on her or my other dog to see me breaking to the point of shaking because of someone.
If you made it here I am sorry for the likely of a mess post this is. But right now I am still fighting the desire to just say fuck it and leave behind everything. But than I see the people who love and care but cant physically do anything. But that need to do something is what is hard. I am fighting for so much and fighting myself. The battle my mind is standing behind is basically one side saying its just not worth it any more you have tried for this long has it gotten better to an extent that stuff is good enough. Like ya you can say hey this is bad but atleast you have kova or you can act like it is okay in the moment but inside its not any less. The other side is the it will get better today is just a tough day and look at who you have the friends, the wonderful therapist, the dogs that love you, its a good life it might be hard but it is good. Its almost like a chart of good and bad. And as of late the bad is out weighing the good. I talk so much to try and help others and be there for those I can how I can. But again I myself am broken too. Thank you for reading this.
A broken hurt
Ash
