Loneliness, flashbacks, loss , gulit and hope for having proper parental figures. My first status here in Heartsupport

Hey everyone, this is going to be a long status and this is my first status ever in Heartsupport wall. I am 19 years old, from Denmark and i am diagnosed with autism. I was bullied and teased for being different, grew up with violence, Since i am going through some dark times, i am going to write a lot of what i’ve been through, so the puzzle makes sense (i’ll try at least). I am diagnosed with autism and my background is really messed up. I have lived and moved with my parents to multiple countries and attending at several international schools in the past, so in that way, i have never had official “roots” or “proper childhood” anywhere. My father is danish and my mother is thai, but they got later divorced in my teenage years. The reasons from both sides were alcoholism and cultural differences. When i reached at the age of 14, i was sent to a mental institution, because of my parents did not know how to take care of me nor they understood my diagnosis or accepted it. I have been living in a mental institution for about 4 years and it was the worst part of my life. Not because of the place itself, but the people (those who were institutionalized and the social workers, who took care of us). Those 4 years were fucking horrible in each and every way. As soon as i got out and starting a new chapter, i have had a close relationship to someone, who once took care of me every day. We have had a lot of common interests like music and films and opinions we agreed on mutually, so in that way we became more and more close. When i was living at the institution, i honestly did like some of the social workers , but they did not accept to have further contact with me (it was one of their work-related rules and therms) , except from her. She was many years older than me and i loved her like a mother. To be honest and not hide my feelings, i really still do. Me and her chatted almost everyday and the downfall for me began, when her mother got diagnosed with lung and brain cancer and was lying at the hospital. I was constantly paranoid at the time, because she was not answering my messages. At that time i tried my best to get her attention, because she was interested in others at that time, but i failed. When i turned 19 for two months ago, i was so paranoid, heartbroken and in fear, because i was afraid that she would not even wish happy birthday to me. I deleted her from social media, because she kept ignoring my messages. But then a few hours later, she sent me a phone text to say happy birthday, but telling me that she was griefing over that her mother had died from cancer. I had it horrible deleting her and it made me wake up to see how painful and terrible cancer is. I listen to a lot of metal and hardcore as you maybe can guess, but every time when i listen to the song “Gone With The Wind” by Architects (going to their concert soon in Copenhagen and i am a huge fan), it crushes my chest and makes me feel gulity for not understanding my former social worker’s pain going through cancer. Last month, i sent her a phone text me missing her love and care and i felt so suicidal (i have had several suicidal thoughts and attempts in my earlier life) , so when i was writing to her about how i feel, i was at the beach and i didn’t even get a response from her. Not even a single word. And it still sucks to think about that today, because you’re talking about how you feel and opening yourself up to one of the few people, who make you feel accepted as a person and they don’t even answer, no matter how extreme your thoughts or feelings are. So in the last period of time, i did not take my education seriously, i started drinking a lot and searching for company amongst others with alcohol, sexual partners and mild drugs involved (never took heavy drugs, have only smoked weed a few times). I think my biggest problem was desperate to search people to look up to as parental figures, without sounding weird. I hope this is something you guys can relate to and i am sending each and every one of you so much hope. Sending much love from Europe to you guys!

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Hey friend!
Thanks so much for sharing! I appreciate you telling your story. I totally understand. How are you doing now? I just wanted to share that I found God as a parental figure to me. I totally understand if you don’t believe that. But that’s just what i found try for me. He’s my Dad, He steps up in the places where my biological and other people that i look up to fail to. He’s there when no one else is. So yea just thought i share that!
Hold fast! Sending love and positive vibes your way too!

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Man, thanks so much for writing all of this out, this is really cool you took the time to do this. Super thankful you entrusted your story to us.

I feel really bummed with you man…to feel like you found this safe haven, this place you can lay down your burden and open your heart…and then to feel like it just fell out from under you…my heart hurts…and then to feel that pang of regret, feeling like you weren’t understanding enough while she was going through something terribly difficult in her life…gosh, it’s like a rollercoaster of anger and then sadness and then loneliness, and it just really sucks…especially considering all you’ve been through and how hard you work to find meaningful relationships in the first place…just sucks dude. Feels like all of that time and energy spent building this relationship, having a safe place to call home, having a mother figure who loves and understands you for the first time…and then poof! Man…I’m really sorry :\

I hope and pray that God will send you another parental figure…a person who can love you well and walk this journey with you, that you would feel that void in your heart filled with their consistency, with their care, with their understanding, with their ability to teach you and grow you and walk alongside you. I pray He’d send you someone to love you deeply and love you persistently, through all life may throw against you.

Thanks again for sharing, bro.

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Thank you for those replies, i really appreciate those words. Even though i am an atheist in a religious view (no offense to anyone), my views have not changed on you guys at all, because people should feel and believe what they want to believe! There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even though it takes time. I think the best i can do is just accept what is going through and stay positive and open-minded towards new people and relationships. Much love to all of you guys and i am forever grateful for people, who will even take the time to read!

Hi Jean, thanks for sharing.

This was really long, but so glad to see there is also someone else from Europe! I also have a few friends from Copenhagen so that’s pretty nice.

I think that your constant research for parental figures is completely normal: I’ve been looking for a father figure for years and sex and alcohol are pretty common into this kind of situations.

I believe that reaching out to your old friends was a good idea and I honestly would try again. Why don’t you call her instead of texting?

Let us know how that goes

Pioggia :sunflower:

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Hey! Since me and her are griefing in different ways, i think the best idea will be to let time pass, because “right now” i don’t have the balls to do it and in fear she would reject or hang up. When it was my birthday she told me that I apparently demand attention or care from her side all the time and she did not have the “energy” to do it, because of her loss and grief. I think i will give this a few months or a year to contact her, because time do heal everything. Long ago, when we started contact, she told me that she will always care for me and it will always stay that way. Her birthday is about in the next two weeks, so right now i am considering writing her a happy birthday message, but don’t know if it is worth it.

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Please, call her on her birthday. Giving time is good, but waiting too much is not. Birthday wishes is what I honestly use to tell if someone cares or not.

I have a similar person in my life, we both need time and we’re living two separate lives now, but we still catch up on important occasions.

It is definitely worth it.

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I will at that time, just to see where it goes. I am gonna write at that time what the result was and i hope the best for her and myself as well. I really hate expecting, but this can lead to different kinds of roads, so anything can happen! Again, thank you so much for all those replies, this means so much!

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