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Lonely and afraid

for the past week i feel like no one understands me and no one sees what i am going through. constantly being asked what is wrong and constantly being misunderstood like its something that will pass. I am supposed to be getting married in 2 months and i should be happy but everyweek it seems like i am digging a dark hole for myself. recently my mother feels like my fiance does not like coming over and is avoiding her which is correct. My fiance says it’s because she feels like my mother does not support our relationship which is not the case. I have been stuck in the middle of this for a year now and i am not sure how to handle choosing a side or even trying to mention a solution. it got to the point where they got into an argument and i had to get up an leave and that seems to only have made it worse between my fiance and i. I also recently quit my job because i was not doing well mentally there and my fiance feels like when it comes down to making her feel secure i should have stayed at this job when it was not benefiting me in any way. the best parts of my day are when i go to sleep and no longer have to deal with anything. I do not know what to do anymore and i do not want to lose my fiance or my mother and somehow i am made to be the bad guy rather than anyone listening to what i am feeling and understanding that feeling. I feel lonely i feel like no one cares, i feel like no matter what happens i am the one that is always apologizing and the one taking blame when i shouldn’t. my fiance does not support my decisions and i am supposed to take what she feels with more attention without her recognizing what it is that i am feeling.

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Hey. First off, welcome to Heart Support! You came to the right place.

I don’t know how much I can speak into the relationship between your mom and your fiance. What I can say is I got married 2.5 years ago, and some of that is still fresh. I felt like I was backsliding, resisting the coming changes, feeling anxious about it even though I knew it’s what I wanted. I think that just comes with the stress of a major life change. Getting married ranks as one of the top universal most stressful life events, so you’re in good company when it comes to that.

It sounds like there’s just a miscommunication between your mom and fiance if she incorrectly feels your mom doesn’t support her, and unfortunately you’re caught in the middle. That’s hard. Maybe try having a sit-down with both of them, telling them ahead of time that you want to clear the air between them, then mediating a discussion between them to hopefully foster some mutual understanding. It shouldn’t be on you, and you can’t control the outcome, but you can control the ambiguity between them.

As for your job, quitting may have been best for your mental health, but your fiance is right, it’s not the best indicator of stability. Hopefully you can get another job soon. Next time things feel terrible though, it’s best to 1. Talk with her about it and get her to understand exactly how you’re feeling, and 2. Have another job lined up before you quit. Looking for jobs when you’re employed, even in a bad job, gives you the chance to be picky and land yourself in a really good situation instead of jumping at the first opportunity with a decent paycheck. You’re not alone in changing jobs. A lot of people here, including me, have changed jobs in the last few months. That in itself is really stressful, it would be super hard while planning a wedding!

Feel free to check in with us and let us know how it’s going. You’re not alone.

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Thank you so much for that. It’s nice getting an outsiders perspective on it and i hope your marriage is going well afterall. i have a hardtime expressing my feelings and thoughts and the conversations always end with me apologizing whether i am right or wrong and i try my best to understand her persepctive and i feel like she fails to see mine.

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It’s not fair to be put in a position that calls for choosing a side. You are not responsible for coming up with a solution. Your relationship with your fiancé needs to be the priority. She needs to feel secure and supported. That’s an absolute requirement in a marriage. Your mom’s support of the relationship might be nice, but it’s not required.

That is understandable when you are in the middle of a tense situation, in this case, caused by discord between your fiancé and your mom. As I mentioned earlier, it’s not your job to fix the relationship. They are both grown-ups and should be able to figure out how to get along. When you are married, they will at least have to come up with a working truce. I doubt that your fiancé fabricated her perception of your mom’s disapproval out of thin air. Something must’ve happened for your fiancé for her to have come to that conclusion.

It sounds like they are so preoccupied with the tension that exists between them, that they are not noticing how you’re feeling.

I wasn’t there, so I can’t say for sure, but you probably should have taken your fiancé with you. She is likely to have felt abandoned because you left her behind.

I hope you find work quickly. Every job I’ve held had some kind of mental health challenge. Figuring out how to manage those challenges prepares you for career advancement.

Is she feeling less secure because of them? Did you discuss the decisions and the reasons for them with her before making them?

It’s okay to calmly ask her to listen closely to what you’re saying. “Active listening” is a practice all couples need to be good at. There’s a good chance that the relationship tension will go away when the two of you become good at it. Here’s a site that explains it:

https://www.inreachinc.org/media-center/news-archive.html/article/2021/08/16/how-to-practice-active-listening-for-an-empathetic-life

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thank you so much for the insight and your thorough response. puts a lot into perspective that i have overlooked in terms of my fiance and my moms situation. I have tried to explain to my fiance what it was that i was feeling in terms of the job and i was only there for a month and from the first day i knew the place wouldn’t work out. two weeks in i finally confessed to my fiance that i was about to quit and she asked me to hold onto it until i found something, which is understandable, and i told her i am onlny staying at the job because she asked me to and for no other reason. two weeks later i had somewhat of a mental breakdown where i shut everyone out becuase i couldn’t take the job and everything else going on had piled on that i had brushed to the side. the sunday before i quit my fiance told me she would support my decision of leaving as long as i left professionally, which i did. Monday comes around and i stayed the whole day and even prepared all of my cases for the person that would be taking them on and at the end of the work day i quit and my fiance has not supported that decision since. fast foreward to now and then this argument happens with my mom and all of my fiances feelings of being unsupported have come true. i left her when she needed to see my support of her feelings and support of our relationship and i have let her down.

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So, she supported your decision until you actually acted on it. It sounds like maybe she wanted to support it, but when the time came that it happened, she got scared. She may have been surprised by her own feelings because she fully expected to be able to be supportive. It’s like believing that you know how you will react in a situation, but then when it happens, you find that you are unable to react as you had planned. It happens all the time.

Let her know that you understand how you let her down. Apologize to her, and let her know that you won’t be making that particular mistake again. Couples disappoint each other every now and then. Learning about each other takes a lifetime, especially since people change over time. After 27 years, my wife still surprises me by reacting to things in ways I would never have expected. Similarly, I still surprise her sometimes. In most cases, we surprise each other in positive ways.

When couples always, always, always remain aware of their committed love toward each other, even during times of friction and stress, the relationship has a good foundation, and will remain strong and fulfilling. Even when couples are really irate with each other, and one or both go into emotional overload, if an underlying unconditional love has been nurtured, the relationship will be okay.

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Thanks Wings. I feel like our relatoinship has a strong foundation but it seems like i have put more stress on it than taken away. at this point shes not really talking to me which I hate. this has only happened when I mess up really bad which has only been one other time early on in our relationship and this time i just feel like i am losing my best friend and I just want her back. She’s off to her bachelorette party this morning and i feel horrible for having her mad at me at the moment and I am trying to find a therapist to help with my own emotional distain to hopefully allow myself to express them properly to her and allow myself to get back to where i was in the beginning of the relationship of understanding her perspective before i do something that makes her upset.

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Hey ForzaRacer,

EsRivs responded to your post live on stream with some amazing words of support!

Here is a link to the video so you can watch her reply

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