Long post, Rant, Update

LONG POST
I know I haven’t posted on here for a while and have been in and out of the community. I’m not sure if I want a response to this post or want to categorize it as a journal entry but I guess a response would be nice. A big part of me misses this community and wants to jump back in and talk to everyone again but a bigger part of me wants to hide, and kind of just be forgotten. I think I’d prefer that honestly. I feel like I’ve received so much love and support on here and I’m a bad person for not responding for people caring about me and I’m a bad friend for just ghosting them. I don’t know, I could just reply and it would all be fine, but I feel like it’s too late to try to rekindle friendships, if the friendship is still there. I understand if the friendship isn’t there anymore honestly.
Since moving to a different country, I’ve been trying to make friends and it’s become very clear that I’ve always been bad at making friends. Mainly because a lot of my friendships have been manipulative and I’ve been the throw away friend in most of them. I feel so incredibly alone, even though I have someone who loves me. Even though people may love me in this community. And I feel like there’s something seriously wrong with me for that.
I feel like so much is wrong with me. It could just be me facing my trauma and trying to heal, but I just feel like a huge chunk of me has disappeared and I’ll never get it back. At least once a day, I feel like no one understands me and that I’m alone in this world. I feel like I’m in my own corner, swallowed by a dark cloud and it’s impossible to get out. Everyone and everything feels so distant and because it all feels so far away, it then results in me pushing others away when I am received with open arms. It’s so incredibly frustrating. I know I’m loved, I think. It’s just so out of the ordinary and I can’t handle friendships, support, love and encouragement even though I want it so badly. Maybe it’s just the mood I’m in right now and I’ll have a different mindset later, but I can say that I always feel a bit alone.
I’m not expecting anyone to read the whole thing and I’m not even sure if I will post this since I kinda feel like I don’t deserve to be accepted for trying to reenter the community. I don’t even know if this makes sense or isn’t just word vomit. I’m not really sure of anything. Does anyone else feel this way?
I feel like I never got the childhood/teen years that I deserved. I have so much trauma built up and the inner child in me wants to so badly do things that she never got to do or do something I used to enjoy doing, but it just feels impossible. It isn’t the same. I’m 23, not 7. I feel like as much as you try to heal the inner child or teen in you, it just isn’t the same. I missed out. On so much. It’s so disheartening. I never had a proper sleepover, was never invited anywhere. I always had to be the beggar friend, asking to be invited, making the plans, putting all of my effort to keep friendships that I didn’t even know how to keep. I never learned. I wasn’t allowed to stay after high school and talk with friends, because if I did, my mom would scream at me and berate me for hours, so it wasn’t even worth it. I was never allowed to go anywhere because I was always grounded or got my phone taken away because I tried standing up for myself when my mom would take her anger and disappointment out on me, through emotional manipulation and gaslighting. I never had privacy, because my door was taken off the wall because I got a C in math. Then when we moved, and I tried to keep the friendships I so desperately wanted to have, I was never truly missed by my “friends”. When I would come back to visit, I would be the only one making plans and people would only hang with me out of pity. So I feel like it’s pretty understandable to be scared of friendships and pull away when I start to make a friend. And I take responsibility also, because I could always be a better friend. Friendships seem to be nothing but wasteful for me. And that’s not good to think, I know. You don’t have to tell me twice. I know deep down it isn’t true and I am capable of keeping friends, but it’s really hard. It’s really hard to do anything recently.
I feel like crying, I feel like staring at the wall all day, I feel like disassociating, I feel like imploding. I can’t do that though. I realize I’m a human and have limited time on this earth, but honestly, part of me thinks I will live forever and be young forever, maybe because most of the time, I don’t feel human. I feel like a robot learning how to copy human emotions and feelings, but have a permanent malfunction. The only thing I have felt recently is sensitivity, sadness, and loneliness. I feel like a foreign robot. No one understands what I’m saying, no one understands the way I think, no one understands any of it. Maybe that’s another reason why I feel I can’t make friends. I clearly need to go back to therapy lol I plan to but, that’s for a different “life update”
Anyways, that’s what’s up. Whether someone sees this or not, I’m grateful that Heartsupport exists and that I can find comfort here. Even if it’s just in the support wall. I’m grateful I found Heartsupport when I did. I’m grateful for everything this organization has done for me. I’m so incredibly undeserving of the support I’ve gotten (yeah I know I’m deserving of it, my brain is just being silly) and I’m literally so unbelievably grateful for all the people here. Everyone always welcomes me with open arms and I’m so grateful that I have nothing but pleasant memories of this place. I think I’m the genuine problem and shouldn’t be allowed back here (silly brain but also kind of believe that one). So to end this long post, I want to keep coming back, and will try, but am not sure. I don’t know. Love you

4 Likes

Also I didn’t check for grammar errors or anything so I’m sorry for that oops

1 Like

From: I Am Reclaimer

Hey Nicole, I want to be honest and say that I know exactly how you feel. I could go on in several different points but in general, we are our own worst enemy’s and our own worst critics. I often have trouble in social situations and have a hard time of understanding how others may think/perceive me and it leads me to withdraw from everytone but those who I’ve known for a long time. I’ve gotten to a point to where I feel like making/keeping relationships is one of the most challenging things I can think of doing. Some of this does come from past trauma, while other aspects of this just can’t be helped.

Though, what has helped me cope with this is a philiosophy that I like to live by… Treat your inner child, teenager, essence as if it were your first born child in the flesh. Would you tell your child it sucks? That they will never amount to anything, that they won’t ever be good at X? probably not… Instead this helps me kind of look at my life from a helicopters view and it allows me to remind myself that I’m human, I can only control the controlables and to be kind to myself.

From: RedYeti

Hi Nicole, First off thank you very much for posting to the support wall I did read your whole post because its important and a huge step to knowing people do care about you and I am very proud of you for posting. Friendships are a unique thing in life in terms of finding your people who want to stick around regardless of where you move or what is happening in your life. My suggestion is don’t give up trying to find friends find common interests with people in your new community it may be going to concerts or playing video games and when the right friends come around you will know it. For me I have lived all over the United States for my job having to restart multiple times and for me music is therapy and I listen to all sorts of music depending on where my mind is at that moment in time. The key take away is don’t give up and reach out to a therapist like you mentioned and you will find that at 23 you’re still growing as a person. Thank you for posting!

From: I Am Reclaimer

Lastly, you don’t know what other people think, and if you do, you may just be psychic! That said, it’s really all in our own heads that making the effort to reach back out to a community like HS or even a friend will not go well. That’s a coping mechanism to keep our ego from getting hurt like it once was. to wrap it up shortly, my grandmother always said “go where you are loved and bloom where you are planted.” The HS community accepts you with open arms because we all know what it’s like, but from different perspectives. You’re welcome here and I would love to see you here more!