It’s been a while since I last posted here. Still the same problems, they just have gotten worse. I have some okay days but it’s getting out of hand. I decided today that I would swear to myself that if nothing changes, July 22, 2021 is the day I’m going to end it. I’m so tired of being alone, feeling unacceptable because of my physical traits. I’m tired of going days without taking care of myself because it’s so much better to stay in bed. The only thing I can do is try to cram in everything I have never and will never get to do into the next few months. It’s been the most drawn out thing to go on in my life and it’s time I end it. I do want to say thank you to all of the people I have met here who truly cared about my well being. If only I had people like you in my real life. It’s been months since we’ve talked but I did meet one wonderful person here who gave me friendship when I needed it most. So thanks for that as well. Thanks to heartsupport for giving me a place to vent and worry without judgement. I afraid that this commitment isn’t going to change though, I have to do this. I have to do this so that I can stop crying when I see someone doing well. I have to do this so that I can have some peace. I have to do this so that I don’t live with my self hatred. So this is it, 9 months to live my life.
As it is sometimes good to set a goal, setting a time to have your life back on track does not seem as a good idea, as far as I understand it. Giving yourself that 9 months to see changes, actually means that you aren’t out of hope yet, and that is the positive I see in your post. You haven’t given up yet.
I do now know your previous posts, and don’t know what it is about, but maybe you should start setting smaller goals instead of a large goal with a time limit.
You also have to be aware that healing isn’t a straight process, it is a way with 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Sometimes it is even 3 steps forward and 5 steps back. But over a longer period of time it goes forward
I would recommend for you, to write a list, what you want to achive in gerneral in to break it down into smaller goals and stepstones, which can be reached each in a reasonable time.
You still have hope, and even if you don’t manage to reach your goal within your timeline it doesn’t mean you have failed, as long there is progress. Healing needs time, and allow yourself to heal.
I’m not trying anymore. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of looking in the mirror. I’m tired of being completely alone. I’m tired of it all. This is just my goodbye post. I’m not making any more goals because goals and hopes and dreams are what got my to this mindset in the first place. People telling me to have hope is what caused me sadness. There’s not someone out there willing to love me, that’s a lie. I’m not going to sit here for any more years and suffer through this pain. It’s over, there’s no saving me.
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