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Looking for lost love in a toxicity family

okay , y’all so I never done this and whatever so I’ma just gon act as if I’m talking in my dairy… I’ve lost the one person in my life that makes me feel alive , loved , wanted everything you could ask for and more … she done so much for me we both aren’t perfect but in this case I felt connect to her soul wise , I grew up with family that aren’t family but we’re blood as you know all families have there issues , in this case everybody had favorites nobody didn’t appreciate one another cousins, aunts , uncles , we couldn’t never get a ong or well in this case I couldn’t get along with a few but as we got got older , … me and my brother started realizing alot ( like why is our family so mad) when I was 8 my dad went to prison, I’m 21 now yes he still gone , after that life changed . I never knew why? All of of sudden life starts to move quick? Family isn’t family no more nor seeing each other don’t recall no type of family activities , except for when my cousin Desmond passed away , in 05 same year my father goes to prison … as years passes by and by we lived our life with three shitty reasons , 1. My dad’s in prison 2.cousin passed away and my brother was in froster care for a cool minute. Than eventually we realized something was wrong with this situation … one day I was eating cereal at the table I was maybe 9 , okay so my aunt ( I longer have her in my life) lived with us right? my mom yelled at the top of her lungs crying panting … she find some stuff of my dad’s clothes , pictures , just a certain belongings in a shoe box so she try to confront my aunt what’s this stuff? She didn’t say nothing , eventually my mom found out she put some family curse on her own family/blood , she lost her own kid for doing something so heartbreaking :broken_heart: over the years my family hasn’t been happy , it’s emotionally draining to we’re it was getting toxic and making me feel sick and not wanting to have nothing to do with my family as I got older , I started realizing how everybody was against each other hating each other talking shit to one another no love what so ever you could automatically feel the vibes, myself I’m all about energy!!! And threw out the years that energy always seems to stuck with one another’ yeah we may hug and I may say I miss you the next but in reality you don’t get that family love … maybe it’s just me I don’t feel no love towards my grandma, nor cousins I mean if you’re treating me like shit and mad because I came over to my cousins house to vist ( gmas house) she has the nerve to tell me I can’t come visit my own cousins , so as we grown older my cousins aren’t the best but they need some guidance , that love just black empty hole in everyone’s heart I seem to believe my family isn’t emotional … I nearly hug my mom I don’t hug just guys all I’m trying to say is that when I ment this person when I was 14 everything change for me I felt loved I felt appreciated I felt so wanted man that feeling was so great… , anyways my story is that I’m tired of my life in general I’m heartless, I mean my life has no point it was already planned out for it to be what it is now … I lost the loml because based on my own issues based on my toxicity and whatever yes i come with alot of problems yes I’m somtimes like this or like that but I can’t never be okay or happy bc when everything seems to be okay , it just turns right back to shit because my life was to be shit… shitty family with a few who got bad drug habits , or my cousins locked up also my brother it’s like it’s not fair for me that this is the way my experience as of growing up to now it’s not cool…

I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. It sounds rough. I had some step-family for a long while that we’re going through similar things. It does feel like a curse; but it’s not— it’s a cycle, and it can be broken.

The truth is, there’s no such thing as curses or predetermination. Your life is not on tracks. You can steer it in whatever direction you want, but unless you make a conscious decision to steer towards the good, you will always fall into the bad. It’s human nature.
Family bonds are not a life sentence. Those bonds are definitely a thing, but it’s important to know when they are being abused and are no longer healthy for you. You may want that 90s sitcom family life, but if it’s going to hurt you substantially, it’s not worth it— it’s not healthy to chase after that. You can’t choose your family, but you can choose who you associate with, and family are not completely immune from being excluded in that group (although they probably get a few extra passes haha).

That being said, it is important to forgive. It can be very, very hard, but it is incredibly important. Hate has a heavy weight and will harden a heart. Always be honest, always be open (or “vulnerable”).

Shape your own path. Make it a good one. Make it a comeback story. Your future is not predetermined, so make the most of it. It isn’t fair, and many people do have it easier, but just focus on your path and focus on where you want to be. You are loved, you are special, and you have a special story that can be used to help those that resonate with it.

I hope comfort finds you soon, friend.