on may 9 th 2019 i was the one who got the call that my best best friend took his own life… my mom refused to tell me the truth about his dead so she told me that he had a heart attack a few months later i met with his grandmother that i considered all of my life part of my family and told me the whole story. he was in pain and no one knew it no ine cared i was too late he gave me hints but i didn’t believe them 100% he was in pain so he did it exactly one week before his 14th birthday. after a few months i started self harming and doing everything possible to make me feel less pain. i made suicide plans i wrote a lot if death notes that are still in my closet sadly no one read them. look here am i 4 days clean. alive and in pain as well…
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I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
I am sure your Mom did what she thought was the best for you, unfortunately it might not always be the case.
I wan’t you to know that neither you nor anyone else are responsible for someone making the decisions they do. I understand that it might feel like that, but we can’t take that on our shoulders, however it is very valid to be left with pain and frustrations of not being able to do anything. Especially as the 1 year comes closer and his birthday.
I am happy and proud to hear you are still alive and 4 days clean, and to see you reach out. That is and amazing and strong thing to do, to share what you are going through.
The pain is possible to work through, it can be a hard road but possible, I promise you.
Sorry for so many questions at once, just easier to ask them all in a forum like this. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to 
Does your mom know, that you know the truth now?
- If yes, have you talked to her about why she lied from the beginning and how it made you feel?
Do you want people to read the death notes? Just wondering since you wrote “sadly no one read them.”?
- And what do you feel about still having them in your closet?
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heyy
imma answer your questions <3
- no i haven’t opened the subject anymore since it happened but she remind me of him pretty often
- no one thinks im mentally unstable people think i do it for “attention” if they read them they eould find out that im in actuall pain
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Do you think maybe it would be a help to talk to her about it? Get answers on why she lied and maybe get her help to talk about it. I don’t know option for you but maybe she can even help you find someone to talk to about what happened and what you go through?
I don’t think you are doing it for attention. No matter what reasons you have for the feelings you have , it is valid for you to feel that way.
Have you considered showing them to someone? I mean it sounds like you want to, but have you actively thought I’d showing someone. And would you want to share them to someone specific or do you think I general would help too?
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i am not really close to her i mean we life together ofc but we are not close like we never talk hug or spend time together…ifk if that makes senseeee
people assume things i mean i was criticized all my life because of my style or things that i like. no i eow not share them tbh maybe at some poing somine would read them at the perfect time🖤
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I understand the connection. You can live together and not a close bond to each other. Still might be good and compared to where you live and how old you are, it might be needed if you would want to try reach out to some professionals to talk at some point.
Even if it was that you felt criticised or what ever, it is still hurtful. People should be more respectful of others.
If you ever want someone to read them, you could share them in here. That’s why I asked:)
I am also willing to read them and talk about it if you need.
I am sorry you are going through this, but we are here to support you, both in the discord and here, and I know you can get through it 
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Hey Friend! Welcome to HeartSupport!!
I am so sorry to hear that you lost a friend to suicide.
Please know that you are not alone!
With Love
Ducky
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i am so happy that i found Heart Support 
Trying my best:black_heart:
Hi @bianka,
The HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here. We hope our presence and support help you. Hold Fast friend, and lean on our community.
And here is a link to the book Rewrite that I reference in the video.
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Hey @HS_John!
I just woke up a few minutes ago and i just finished watching your video. I cant explain how much impact it had to me already. All this years i thought the best is to keep it close to me… I guess now its time to throw all the negativity away. As your friend said:“Suicide does get your pain aeay but passes it to ur loved ones.”
Thank you so so much again! I will see the book now, it seemed really interesting! Thank you again! Stay strong!!!
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Hi @bianka,
This is funny - the Houston team did another of your posts last night and I just posted that one! We got you. We’re here, and hope that we validated your trust in us and spoke to your situation in a good way.
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