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Lost and Overwhelmed

Hey again friend, I appreciate your reply too. There’s a lot for me to touch on and I hope that I’ll be able to do so satisfactorily.

First of all, I’m very sorry that you lost your grandma. I lost my grandma, I called her Nan, just before covid hit. She would’ve preferred it that way, she was politically minded like yourself and I think she would’ve hated to see how things were handled in my country. I still think of her often. If you want to share anything about your grandma, I’d be happy to listen. :heart:

I can tell you certainly that you’re absolutely not alone in these feelings. I think that when people allow themselves the space to seriously engage with a lot of the things you’ve outlined, their reactions tend to be something like what you’ve shared with us today. It really smashes against a few nerves, particularly the sense of injustice that underlies the entirety of it. It’s like some kind of existential horror, that the people most affected by these situations are often the ones with the least power to stop them.

So it’s definitely not that you’re wrong about how awful these things are, there are crises all around, and I think you’ll find near unanimous agreement on that point. There are exceptions, America in particular is highly polarised, but in broad terms people want circumstances to improve for the most amount of people possible. It seems to me that there have to be other reasons why people on your side aren’t expressing anger in the same way that you are. I think this is important because it may help to demonstrate that things aren’t as helpless as they feel right now, because your supporters are greater in numbers than you think. It’s not necessarily that nobody else gets it, it’s more that we are all engaging and coping with these challenges in different ways.

One thing to consider is that while humanity at large has had a ginormous impact on the world, as individuals we’re basically still hairless monkeys who have evolved to work within quite tightly localised perspectives and spheres of influence. In some sense we’re not necessarily ‘built’ to engage with the world on a global scale, but you could say that we’re not really suited to office jobs or playing the piano either, so I might also add that the majority of people alive today haven’t grown up with ever-producing, globally pervasive and instantaneous information sharing networks. This means that as a collective, many of us are learning how to engage in impactful and healthy ways, and I think the way young people are engaging with politics is a very encouraging sign.

That said, I also feel terrible for these young people. One of the many crises we’re facing today is a growing strain on mental health, and the never-ending news cycle and uninterrupted access to it are direct contributors to that. I wish I could convey that there are ways of caring for others, caring about the world, while also protecting yourself. We need the ability to occasionally step away, to zoom our perspective back in and take care of affairs within our immediate vicinity, and to support ourselves too.

Just speaking from a utilitarian perspective, it would serve us well to consider the benefits and costs associated with different methods of engaging with political issues. Direct attempts to influence political actors who have the power to enact change can make a huge difference to their choices; things like emailing and calling local representatives strikes me as a helpful tactic for relatively little cost. It’s also great to talk about pressing affairs in the appropriate contexts, further increasing the amount of political pressure felt by decision-makers and encouraging more direct action. This can also benefit us personally, reminding us that we’re not alone in this and providing a healthy cathartic outlet for the stress we’ve accrued over time.

From my perspective, watching the goings-on in the world as closely as possible doesn’t seem to have a direct impact on the issues at hand, but can have a harsh impact on our mental health. Nor does letting stress accumulate, having it take over. I really hear you when you say that this feels important to do – you genuinely see the pain in the world and you feel it too, you truly wish that you had the power to solve this in an instant at any cost, and from your perspective it looks like if you’re not helping then nobody else will. But I also see what you’re saying between those things; that you feel like you care too much, that it all feels helpless, that you literally cannot look away, and that you’re suffering from suicidality. When I see these things, like you, I wish that I could help someone who deserves it.

I promise you that it doesn’t make you selfish or a bad person to address these things as priorities. It makes you and the people around you stronger, healthier, better able to engage positively with the world. One thing that I want you to think about with an open mind is the idea that it doesn’t help anyone when you are feeling worse. It doesn’t make the world a better place that you are suffering so much. The things that make you a good person have nothing to do with how much you are hurting – sometimes suffering just isn’t purposeful.

I also want to be clear that I’m not asking you not to care about the world, I’m just trying to say that there are ways of caring and doing good that aren’t as detrimental to your mental health. I see how intensely you feel this pressure, to do things that no single person could possibly do, and I wish to let you know that it is completely okay to start small and trust that the good you do will ripple out.

It sounds to me like you feel really very stuck in all of this. I just want you to know that I can relate to that very much, and because of that and the progress I’ve made, I believe that it can certainly be helped. I know with a certainty that there are ways of engaging with the tragedy of the world without resorting to mere distraction. I know you’ve said that it can’t be, but I know that it’s possible for someone to do a lot of good for the world while also finding some level of peace. The latter part is practically disconnected from the former, except to say that a person with poor mental health will be less able to function.

I know that I haven’t spoken very much about what can be done to tackle the political problems you’ve mentioned and that has been intentional. I want to talk about how you can be helped, that’s why we’re all here. I think taking steps to improve your well-being should be a high priority, not just because it would make you a better citizen of the world (it is impossible to pour from an empty cup!) but because you deserve to feel better too.

I know, of course, that being told that you matter can’t undo the deeply ingrained self-beliefs we hold. I’m undergoing a similar journey in that regard. I’d like to talk about what can be done to help you through this too. You mentioned a therapist earlier, are you talking to one about all of this and what these times have been like for you?

You’ve spoken briefly about negative experiences with medication and I just want to say that really sucks. I’m sorry you had such an awful time with it. I wouldn’t want to feel numbed or uncaring either, I can understand. That said, medication isn’t a monolith and it’s possible that some other kind at some other dosage could be really beneficial. I just want you to be open to that idea, again because I have been helped so much by my recent prescription. You could always taper back off and cease taking them, if you decided it wasn’t helpful.

You are so worthy of support, friend. You matter so much more than you know. I’ll be here to talk more if you’d like, I hope to hear back from you. :heart:

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Thank you for replying in detail. I appreciate you taking the time to send me a real response.

I’m sorry your Nan passed before covid. I think my Grandma hated the way the world became in the last several years as well… So much more to understand and so little time and capacity to understand it. She would’ve been 100 last year but she only made it to 99. My grandma was the biggest believer in what I did, artistically speaking, when it came to the art and video projects I made, and she even did a guest spot on the wrestling podcast I used to co-host back in 2015-16. She was one of the few adults in my life who believed in what I could do, and wasn’t always telling me to grow up and get a real job like my parents. Almost right up until the end, she wanted to know what I was working on, outside of my job.
You’re right about the world being an existential horror thing. That’s how I feel most days. And yes, those affected the most by the problems of the world ARE the ones most powerless to stop it. Usually it’s because the big, dumb, vocal jerks who want power and are easily influenced are on the villain side of things, and those guys make laws so that anything we do, we get arrested for or killed for “accidentally”.
As far as perspective on highly polarizing issues, yes we ALL want things to improve (except for the regressive jerks in power and their socially blind, bigoted, racist minions). Other people aren’t expressing the same level of anger because of the consequences of that expression, in both social, personal and professional circles. They’re afraid of how it will make them look, or reflect badly on their families. Speaking up would get people fired or arrested, or disowned and shunned. I’ve asked my parents if things were ever this bad when we were growing up, or when they were growing up. They said there was always some kind of world threat and each generation has one. They never really answered my question. I think the scope of all the bad things going on at once, with no one in power willing to really do what is necessary to stop it, because it will reflect badly on them and take away the money and power they have (emphasis on the money). Everyone is coping in different ways, but most people I see are either ignoring the problems publicly (for the reasons I mentioned earlier), or shaming people for not doing enough while we all suffer. Those like myself in between are just doomed to doing the little we can, making next to no difference.
You’re right, humanity is adapting to the world it creates at different speeds for different people. The youth are having to adapt faster, and those of us who are older have adapted over time but are losing speed. The fact that alot of them are doing more at such a young age is a necessity of the world we live in. EVERYTHING has to be FASTER. Those who are elderly or near elderly like my parents see the problems and have adapted to the world as best they can, but don’t see everything they should. The last 50 years alone have been a huge leap from what they were born into, and even some of the things THEY fought for, are being reversed by power mongers. Humans may not have been built for all we do, but we adapt because we must, to survive. That’s all I’ve ever done since preschool, adapt to survive. I’ve never truly LIVED for more than a moment at a time. That’s really depressing, when other ignorant bastards are able to LIVE how they want, with little to no consequence, while us conscious folks are doing what we can to hold the world together.
Because of the world we live in, it’s nearly impossible for many of us to step away if we are always required to do more and be more, and work harder to do the same jobs we’ve been doing to make things more liveable. People working 2-3 jobs just to afford a tiny place to live, in a city/town they either chased as part of a dream, or are stuck in because it’s all they could afford. We have to do more just to be given less, and there’s nobody in power on our side. Nobody can change that. We can’t support ourselves because we’re too busy working to survive. I know this sounds crazy, but the only way that this would ever change is if we kill all the people who benefit from us being underfoot. I don’t want to witness the apocalypse in my lifetime but such an upheaval would be the only way life would change, and nobody is willing to fight for it because of how the system was built, and how it has conditioned a lot of people to exist, and in some cases kill each other just to survive.
I see the world. I see EVERYTHING, spinning continuously in infinity, all cycles of all systems intertwining, and there’s no way to put a rock in some gears to stop things from turning at this rate. There is no way to step away without turning a blind eye toward this world even for a moment, or being ignorant entirely and just letting the world take its course, and doing the bare minimum, like voting in elections. The pleas the rest of the fighters do fall on deaf ears. You know how many times I’ve emailed my one senator about specific problems, and I get sent a form letter back about the reasons why I’m wrong and about how he knows better than the people he’s supposedly representing? You know I’d want to beat the shit outta that old man and make him understand how fucking wrong he is, but nobody will ever get that chance. I hope his replacement will be someone who listens, not some old rich asshole who only supports one subsection of the state that “supports” him. We are still fighting to change things but the dumbasses will always elect people who promise one thing and never deliver. Since because this certain politician supports their guns, bigotry and freedumbs he gets their votes, and nothing changes. Protests happen every day, big and small, and rarely does it affect meaningful change. March for Our Lives did a big protest nationwide, and we barely got crumbs as a result. No big step forward, just crumbs.
I do not suffer for the sake of suffering itself, but as an effect of how much I see and care about everything going on in this world, not just in the US. I work small because that’s all I’m built for or allowed to do while supporting myself and my GF and cat, and sometimes friends too. If I was trained as a mercenary and had stealth training/gear I would be doing a lot more, but that wasn’t my life path; and for those that are, I hope they do more to help the underserved in this world, but mercs work for money not causes. Rarely do I ever see my small efforts to affect major change in this world ever come to fruition. It’s been a few years where I get an email from a cause that says “hey remember that petition you signed? well we accomplished our goal and this thing changed!”. We need more of that for major issues. The people at the top don’t fucking care because it doesn’t serve them, period. They can’t be made to care or open the door for new ideas until something major happens that affects THEM. We need something major to affect THEM, otherwise nothing changes. LIFE in this WORLD is detrimental to my mental health. If anyone else isn’t feeling the same way, they’re not seeing the big picture or they’re medicated into not caring as much. The only way I get any peace is if I’m no longer responsible for something. If I’m no longer responsible, I don’t have to worry about it, or plan around it. I have many responsibilities in this world. Maybe not as many as a company manager, or a parent with kids or grandkids, but I’m responsible for my own life, and those people I care about, as well as the rest of the country, if not the world. Every citizen is responsible to do their part in this world, and not as many take that responsibility seriously, and the less people who do, the more the bad guys get away with and the more people suffer. This is something I take very seriously, and it hurts when nobody else seems to take it seriously too. My cup is full of anger and hatred toward the evils of this world, and not much else. I hate bullies and these corrupt politicians and corporations are the biggest bullies, and they need to be held accountable. Apathy kills us all. People are apathetic about covid, and now we’re all slowly becoming disabled with long covid because of nobody caring if they get it because it’s supposedly less severe for those of us who are vaxxed. People are still dying from it, and getting sick, and nobody cares enough to do the right thing anymore. They got tired of caring, and went back to trying to be “normal”. I’ll never get my life back because of that. There’s a lot I’ll never get to do because of the apathy and ignorance of others. I may look like every other nerd in the world, but I am one in several billion, and nobody cares as much as I do.
I told my therapist EVERYTHING. She says that I need to adjust my perspective to what I can change, instead of what I can’t. To me that makes no sense because changing the world for the better and stopping all of these regressive policies and tragedies from happening should be EVERYONE’S responsibilities, not just me. I can’t change how I feel about what’s going on in this world because it’s EVER PRESENT! EVERY DAY something bad happens that could have been prevented, but people aren’t willing to do what’s right to fix the problems we see. The magats are afraid their freedoms will be taken away, the left is afraid we’ll be locked down into a police state like China or N. Korea. I think there has to be better options and better solutions for change but I have no way to reach 330 million people to get them to do the right thing all at once, simultaneously, and change the world. Nobody does.

Medication makes people care less about the stuff they’re normally upset about. For some people I can see where that’s helpful, but for someone like me I see that as a hindrance. I tried taking an anti-anxiety med for a week and was even MORE frazzled. I don’t have time in my life to “try and see” if something works while my brain adjusts to something and affects how I live and work while i’m trying to work my real life job AND hold down my existance and deal with ALL OF THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT IN THIS WORLD AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME!!! If I CARED LESS, I would be LESS UPSET, but I CARE TOO MUCH, so I’M ALWAYS FUCKING UPSET! MEDS MAKE SHIT WORSE FOR ME!!!
The only thing that would make me feel better is if the world changed for the better, so I’d have less to worry about, and less to be responsible for. Right now, I have to remain vigilant every hour I’m awake, and try to take care of my responsibilities. I don’t know what else I can do.

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No worries @cmscalvert, I hope you don’t mind me taking a couple of days to set the time aside for this conversation. I’m happy to be doing this. All I ask in return is that you stay committed to trying to help yourself, because after all that’s what this forum is all about. I think it’s possible to improve your quality of life, maybe reduce some of the negative experiences you’re going through, without compromising your values or abilities. If anything, I think this could make your positive impacts even greater and easier to achieve. I see how much you care and how much you’re hurting, and I think we can improve the latter without hurting the former.

Thank you for saying that, we lost her young and it was a great loss. We were a lot alike. I hope she knew how much I appreciated her. It makes me so happy to hear that you had such strong support from your grandma, that’s just a beautiful thing. Don’t ever forget that feeling you get when you know that people out there care and want the best for you. I know she’d want you to carry that with you. And on that note I think it’s great that you have those interests! If you want to share them I’ll happily check them out and cheer you on.

There’s a lot to say here and it’s quite difficult to decide which things are more pertinent than others. I don’t want to challenge a lot of your beliefs, what I really think would be best is for me to emphasise that it’s possible to care, to try to change the world, without it eating you up. I consider these two things to be related but distinct. I can use my own experiences to try to explain that: I know that when I post on here, if I do it right it can help people. That’s incredibly valuable to me and I want to be able to do that as much as I can. Unfortunately, depending on your perspective, I’m also undergoing my own journey of healing and I’m often not capable of committing the emotional labour required to respond sincerely and productively when people need it. Would you consider that immoral? I like to think of it as a healthy and necessary balancing of needs that often conflict. I have a responsibility to myself and the people who care for and rely on me to be well. That responsibility is ever-present. If I need to spend some time away from this website occasionally to take care of myself then that is what I will do, and when I am recovered I will be able to offer so much more.

I hear you when you say that you’ve been fighting to survive since preschool, that you’ve never truly lived, that you are required to do and be more, more, more. I see how overwhelmed you are and how trapped you are in these thoughts and my heart breaks for you. My wish for you is that you could believe, truly, that things could get better for you. I don’t want you to identify with your pain, because that’s only another trap that keeps us unwell. Nobody is helped by your suffering, I promise you that it’s okay to let it go. You can work on yourself, your projects, and on helping others, all in the same week. A rising tide raises all ships and that is also true of the impacts of engaging in self-care.

I hear your frustration and your pain, but I have to ask you not to encourage or glorify the use of violence to solve problems in this place. Here we take accountability for our own journeys by taking steps to get better. It’s a place where you’ll find encouragement, support and resources, but not political organisation.

I see the work you do, letting your local representatives know that your perspective needs to be considered, and I think that it’s admirable. My concern is that it doesn’t seem like you can switch your focus on global events off and that it’s having a disabling effect on you, wearing you down more and more. If it were possible to do good, to have a positive impact, without taking the stress of the situation with you as well, wouldn’t that be preferable? That is what I want for you. You deserve that balance, your life doesn’t have to be defined by agony and I don’t think it should be. Nobody deserves that.

Medication isn’t a monolith, different types at different doses can have a slew of different effects on people. Mine has made me much more capable of doing the work that I want to do, though adjusting to it has been taking some time and that process is ongoing. It sounds to me like you weren’t on the right type and dosage at all, and I’m really sorry you had to go through that. It can be incredibly rough. People make these changes while working all the time, it’s definitely possible if you ever decide to try it.

When I read that you you don’t know what else you can do my heart goes out to you. My sincere opinion is that your first priority should be finding balance for yourself. It sounds almost like you’re trying to rescue people while you are already drowning, and I just hope you can know that you deserve to be saved too. You have to be open to making changes in your life, to trying what it will take to get better, for this to become possible. The world can’t change in an instant, and so the only opportunity for you to feel well is for something to change on your end. Engaging in that process would help you, the people around you, and the people you’ll be able to help in the future.

I’ll be here to talk more, friend. :heart: I know this is hard, I hope you know that we care for you and want the best for you. Let me know what you think.

Rick,

I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I appreciate your well thought out responses. I’m eternally sorry that I carry this burden and that I try to unload it on helpful people like yourself who are going through their own struggles. I’ve had this weight on my back for as long as I can remember, and I wouldn’t want someone else carrying it who can’t bear the load. Also, when I see someone truly in need I can’t help but feel bad and like I should help them regardless of my circumstances. If you do have some ideas of how to improve my well being without compromising my values, I’m listening.
I’m a wrestling fan, mostly AEW these days, but I like Impact too. I like some performers in WWE but hate the company for its shady business practices and have since boycotted it as of the pandemic era. I stream on Friday and Saturday nights. Friday is variety day, Saturday is old point and click adventure games. Occasionally I also write songs but have only recorded 2. I’m working on a 3rd about how trump ruined the world, but I have to clear it with my therapist before I release it. She’s just trying to protect me from doxxers, swatters and magats. Which, btw, a magat DM’d me and told me how wrong she thought I was about all the FACTS about her golden idol. I responded with real facts about how and why he sucked, and how she’s in a cult and needs to be deprogrammed. I felt attacked, so I reported her. Cults don’t win over science and true facts. I got advice on my reply beforehand. If I had gone off, I wouldn’t still be here. My anger is a nuclear weapon with dire consequences, so I’m scared to use it since it has no laser focus. It only destroys.
As far as how you’re responding to me on here, I feel you are doing the best you can, and I really appreciate you taking the time, as difficult as I am. I wouldn’t consider it immoral of you to try to break down things that are more important vs how I see things. It’s difficult, I know, but my sense of justice operates way differently than most people. If you needing to step away works for you, then that’s fine for you. My therapist can’t always meet with my on the same day of the week and I’m having to adjust as best I can, and cope in the meantime. Sometimes barely hanging on, other times half decent, depending on the day.
As far as my history of pain, being bullied since before Kindergarten, and unable to fight back adequately, it has plagued me forever. I am doing my best not to fly off the handle at being slighted for stupid shit like certain kinds of advantageous drivers, who I want to beat the shit out of for playing nascar on the highway or fast n furious on the streets, turning/merging/changing lanes without signaling or running stop signs and red lights. I’m doing my best not to go off on tirades and get banned from here or twitter, for wanting to take down magats and the scum they worship. I’m doing my best not to be another white boy shot in a black neighborhood for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or standing up for myself when someone does something shitty. I have to let that shit slide or get killed. I’m not military trained. I’m not strapped, and I’m not built like a tank. I don’t stand a chance against the “real shit”. I wish I could destroy those people for what they did to me. My sense of justice requires the scales of karma be balanced, and they are not. The people who hurt me are still out there, living their happy lives, and that is pain within me. I add to that the pain of the others in this world whose scales are severely imbalanced because of the forces driven by the horsemen of the apocalypse (so to speak). Feeling like justice will never be done, and there is no super-heroes out there making real change to fight this shit, hurts me as well. I have identified my pain. There is no way to fix it without external action. I don’t know what needs to be done or what I can do to really fix the problem, because it seems like barely anyone else wants to help either. People are too busy trying to survive and live their own lives to be able help, or be responsible enough to at least make some strides against this never-ending, debilitating plague. The moment the govt said they don’t have to be responsible anymore, they all took off their masks and rejoiced in their apathy and ignorance. It sickens me and made me want to beat the fucking shit out of everyone who cheered for that. EVERYONE. The price of doing the right thing is SO LOW in this instance, but they won’t do it because it inconveniences them. I fucking hate people like that and I wish they would all suffer for it, even friends of mine who decided to be apathetic jerks, I hope they fucking suffer for that, so god tells them this is the price for your apathy and irresponsibility. This is the price for the lack of care you’ve given toward your fellow humans. This is just ONE of the major problems that hurt me daily. I’m constantly reminded of this online. It will be like it is on south park, 30 years later and they think they’ve almost beaten covid but they can’t because one jackoff thinks the “personal choice” of not being vaccinated takes precedence over the world being free of this disease. And now weve got monkeypox on top of that, and there’s another blame game starting with that one as well.
I can’t let this shit go, because I see it all daily. I’m constantly reminded of it, daily. There is no peace in this world, therefore I can have no peace. I feel like Joe Biden. Picked to do a job that’s impossible, and doing the best I can, but it’s still not enough.
Right now there’s nothing super creative that I want to work on. I want to release my song and flip the magats a giant middle finger because I hate them so much. They’re the reason my grandma is dead, and my friends are all flatleavers. Beyond that, the only creating I do is voices on stream. If I did any art, I’d need tons of tubes of black and red paint, because that’s how my soul feels…dark and tainted with malice and anger. I want to purge myself of this pain but I want to do it in the most destructive way possible that destroys the opposition completely. I feel violent inside, like I want to hurt the people who make this world hell, and give me pain, but there’s nothing I can do to release my anger in a way that doesn’t get me killed or in jail. This is a problem I’ve always had. I can’t let things go until Karma balances.
Example of Karma Balanced: Bully in middle school made my bus rides with friends a living hell. Attacked me in the parking lot once with friends while we were walking home from a movie. That asshole ruined his own life and OD’s on heroin. That’s justice.
Example #2: Sorority bitch in college gets me fired from campus job because she thought I was scary and she didn’t like that I stood up to her. A month or 2 later she got fired for time card fraud. That’s justice.
Example #3: Jock talks shit toward me all through high school, and his friends do worse than he does toward me. Years later he’s a recovering alcoholic and singer songwriter and apologizes to me for the shit he did and we hugged it out.
Example #4: My ex boss was an asshole and treated me and my teammates like expendable fodder, belittling our efforts and always making us feel on-edge. I reported him to HR and my team backed me up. He’s been gone for almost 4 years now. Justice.

For the shit I’m dealing with nowadays, its’ even BIGGER than just me and it’s nothing I can fight against alone. You have people organizing non-profits who march in cities nationwide, and still barely anything gets done. You have solidarity around the world over something major like a war, but it doesn’t end the war, it just shows the bad guy who their targets are.
I do what I can but it doesn’t fix the problem, so I feel worthless and my efforts feel pointless. I feel like if I’m not doing something to help, I’m part of the problem, and that sticks with me forever. Because of stress in life and at work, I haven’t been able to enjoy spending time with my GF and she’s sweet and adorable most days. I miss having the drive and desire to spend quality time with her but I feel detached from my own life and that hurts me too, so it’s a double-edged sword. I can’t fix the world and I can’t make my life ok either.
I understand that meds aren’t a monolith and different things work for different people. I have several friends and family who are on some manner of medication for mood disorders or anxiety, and I’ve also got several stoner friends who use that to medicate themselves. I’ve been taking anti-stress gummies, and that hasn’t really helped all that much because the problems of the world still exist.
I told you why I can’t do medication. I don’t have the kind of life that allows for periods of adjustment. The last time I was put on any kind of doctor ordered (not my choice) medication was while I had MUCH less responsibilities and was only going to classes. I still had suicidal thoughts because I didn’t fit in and felt overwhelmed by classes and trying to figure out my career path for the rest of my life between HS and College. Now I have a house, a cat, a full time job, and responsibilities of taking care of that and my GF (since i’m driving her to work every day to keep her safe from covid, and cooking or picking up all our meals). If somebody had to put me on meds it would have to be the RIGHT ones the FIRST TIME and I’d need a MONTH OFF AT LEAST, and I don’t have that time or energy to try to hold it down while “adjusting” to having to be medicated again. Personally I think it’s bullshit and people need to be off certain meds, wake up, and take action against the bullshit in this world that drives us insane every day, because nobody else seems to get that the FAST PACED WORLD is what is KILLING US ALL, and it’s the people at the TOP that are making it go faster, and making things harder for everyone just to keep up, so that all the poorest and “weakest” people die, while the rest of us are left being rodents on wheels just running in place to keep the machine running. I don’t want to end up a fucking hobo begging for bucks on the side of the road. I just want to change the world for the better like a fucking super hero, and stop people from going insane from all the pressure and pain in this world.
I don’t know if there will ever be balance for me. There is too much going on in this world that is affecting or will affect me at some point if it is not stopped. Yes, I do want to rescue people. I want the pain to stop. Not just for me, but for everyone. I just don’t know how to do it. I hope I am not beyond help.