Love hate self relationship

This is my first time here. I currently stumbled upon this site when looking for an anonymous way to express myself. Please don’t mind the spelling and grammatical errors. So if you haven’t assumed already; I hate myself. I’ve been here before and got help and moved forward with life but I’ve been struggling for two years now and can’t seem to find the help I’m looking for or step out and really try to find it. I hate who I am but not my life. I love my family and do everything to care for them but neglect myself at the same time. My accomplishments in life are not my own and my self worth is none existent, not even store credit if you tried to return me. Everyone in my life loves me, they try to be supportive and tell me how I’m an amazing mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and yes I hear them but don’t always believe it also how does any of that make me … me. It only shows that I give, give all that I have to everyone else till I’m left in my empty shell of a body unable to motivate myself out of bed. I don’t want to end my life but I do self harm in non-threatening ways either for attention or to feel something idk. So the fact that I know my issues but do nothing about them make me hate myself more. I want to delete this the fear of judgement is so large it’s making me cry. I have so much fear and doubt that it’s overwhelming. I have reasons to be angry and hurt but instead of being upset with the family that has hurt me, I’m angry at myself more. I want a redo, I want to be happy with who I am within my life.

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Welcome! I want to first off say that this place is safe for you to share. No judgement is to be had here. We all have our fights and battles and we all know what it’s like to need to be heard and accepted.

So I hope you feel those very things. Heard and accepted

My heart really goes out to you. Sometimes so much of life feels so defined by how much we can give of ourselves. People list our qualities as something that they feel they have benefitted from and it feels like it’s neglecting to see the person beyond the accomplishments or giving.
Even those who truely do love us can sometimes not realise the internal torment that plagues. Even if you have reached out and made it through in the past, it’s like “will this same thing work again?”. Sometimes we need a new way to cope because we are always changing and growing.

I think the fact that you know your issues, but don’t do anything about them shows tremendous insight. It can be hard to see past the hurt we are feeling in the moment, but you’ve recognised it and sometimes it’s okay if you can’t fix it all yourself. Your life is full of giving and fixing for others, so maybe someone needs to give to you.

I’m so glad you’re here. Please share as much as you need to

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Hi Friend,
thank you so much for sharing. i can relate to you so much.
i tend to help people in my life, so much, even when i am drained and empty, that i hate myself after, because i
often know that i burden myself to much. i think about stuff that for others are nonsense. i isolated myself from
everything in my life over the last years, because i needed my body to recover, all in my life was more important to
me , then myself. i doubt myself the whole day. i was once seeing myself as a human failure after i had a panic
attack, where i was not able to just go out and have fun with others.
on the other side, that makes me human, that makes or sums up my being. i don’t know if i am doing the right, or
i am on the right way. i hate myself for being like that.
@Bimini what you said is beautiful. i completely agree. thank you.
what i can say to you @Hatemeloveme you are always welcome here.
this is a safe place, without judging, without hate. thank you for being here. thank you for reaching out, because
you did it, you did an amazing and important difficult step here. you show your heart to us. be proud of that.
from your words we can hear what a beautiful person you are. you care for others. you are there for the people who
love you. for the people who are around you.
even in times when you are standing in the darkness, you help others, in times where you need help, you help
others. now is your time to take care about yourself. to take care about the most important person in your life,
yourself ! in that darkness that surrounds you, you only need to see your next step. don’t try to look to far.
the light you need now, is you. is it already inside you. and from what i read, you are an amazing and bright light.
what you are experiencing is human. we are all human in the end. we all start the same, and end the same.
our journey is different. but we are all the same. no matter where you are from, no matter what your struggles are.
important is that you are here. that you have reached out. take care of yourself, because you deserve that. you are
worth of all the good things, that this life, our only life has to offer my friend.
i hope you will find that light, that you are already for others. take a look at yourself, see how you really are and be proud of that. we are proud, i am proud of you. :purple_heart: you matter most. you are loved.
feel hugged

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Welcome at Heartsupport @Hatemeloveme. As our friends said above, this forum will always be a safe place to express what’s on your heart just how it is. Writing this post itself has brought up some deep emotions, and I hope you’ve manage to take some time for yourself afterwards. If it’s difficult to take credit for anything you do in your life, then you can 100% take credit for reaching out right now, and even more for seeking help before. These are scary but strong steps to take, and in itself it speaks a lot regarding the way you understand yourself and things you want to change in your life.

My heart goes out to you so very much right now, as it feels like I could have written almost the exact same as you. I come from a family where the environment was abusive, and I just constantly grew up with this idea that I somehow need to earn the love I receive. Performance based loved at its best. My own existence always has to be justified – through my actions, through what I give, through my ability to literally sacrifice and neglect myself. It’s messed up when we have a real look at it, but it’s also sometimes what we’re taught starting from a young age, or simply because of significant life experiences. If you have been hurt by your family, by people who were supposed to nurture and protect you – whether it was emotionally or physically --, then it becomes hard to see any value in yourself and to simply know who you are. If you are the giver and people are used to it, then it becomes hard to feel a real connection with others. It feels like it’s all on the surface. So many times i’ve asked myself: do these people so close to me actually know me? Do they love me for who I am, or did I trap myself into being loved for what I can provide? Can I even set myself free after all these years? These are heartbreaking questions, but once you start facing them you also open a direct door to your heart, to your needs, to this voice inside that calls for something different, for a radical change.

Years ago, I told a dear friend in this community, during a time of grief that stemmed from the realization of the type of childhood I had, how much I never felt like I ever made a decision for myself, by myself. I could only see all the conditioning, all the pressure, all the self-sabotaging throughout my life. It felt like who I am was just about the consequences of others actions. Being on a constant survival/reacting mode makes one lose themselves in a direction that feels foreign to the soul. Although the reason I wanted to share this with you is to express the same words my friend shared that day:

“You’ve lived so long with people forcing you through doors you didn’t want to go through, making you travel when you want to just rest. I want you to be proud of yourself for walking through the doors that YOU WANTED TO WALK THROUGH.”

If you can take even just one tiny step for yourself today, then I would like to encourage you to take a minute to see and embrace what you did accomplish, and has been the result of your life decisions, even if it feels fake or distant. It may feel like the urge to give has been controlling you, but there has still been a “you” there that has been expressed, even under layers of buried emotions or fears.

As heartbreaking and heavy the realization that you have right now can be, it also holds an incredible potential for healing. You have yet to meet yourself in ways you never did – maybe because you didn’t allow yourself to because of guilt, shame, anxiety, etc. There can be a lot of reasons, which can be a starting point for you. There are filters between you and yourself, but these are worth to be faced, little by little. What does it represent for you to give? If you imagine a life without being this person, how does that make you feel? And as you have mentioned your family, how you do connect this to your personal history, in your mind? – You haven’t mentioned it by mistake, and there is surely something significant to unfold there. If you would like to start here, anytime, or even share how it’s been for you with your family, then you are absolutely welcome and safe to do so here. Sometimes talking (or writing) about things we’ve feared to even think about is a first step. You’ve been used to turn the anger and frustration inside, maybe because there wasn’t any space before to express your emotions safely. This is not the case anymore. <3

You are so much more than your ability to give, even if if you have yet to meet yourself at a deeper level. The road towards self-love (and self-discovery) can be frightening, but oh dear it is such a beautiful one. To practice curiosity towards yourself! Like a butterfly, maybe you have yet to unfold your wings, and that is okay. There is no due time, no hurry, no waste of time. Only right timings and opportunities. Some of us are long-time carterpillars, only to shine even more beautifully when the time has come.

I see a lot of beauty and potential in your words and through your own grief. I know it’s probably hard to see it the same way from your side, which would be completely understandable. There is hope, friend. You are someone. You are whole already. The longest journey for many of us is to learn to be someone to ourselves, first and foremost. You will get there. :hrtlegolove:

PS - We have live streamings on Twitch (I don’t know if you are familiar with this platform). One of our streamers name is Casey, and he is very focused on having open conversations about self-care practices (not just in theory, but really down-to-earth views and perspectives about it). I would encourage you to come by and hang out during these streams at times, or see the VODs directly if schedule is difficult. “Self-care” is a big and intimidating concept that can be declined in many ways, and it could be interesting to explore ways to nurture yourself and take care of your needs with the help of a community, little by little. :hrtlegolove:

Twitch channel => Twitch
Streaming schedule => WEEKLY SCHEDULE

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I am so glad you found us. We are here for you. I am so sorry you are feeling that way, it is draining to feel like you give everyone everything and then leave yourself with nothing. It sounds like you wear many hats being a wife, mother, friend, daughter, and sister. Those roles in itself are exhausting and it’s hard to step out of those labels and remember truly who you are and your identity within yourself.

With hurt, it’s odd how we can sometimes blame ourselves instead of the person who hurt us. We take it on as if we asked for it. I’ve caught myself saying that before. Like I just want to hate myself for what has happened to me. But those thoughts are lies. When people hurt you or use you, it is not your fault.

You deserve to care for yourself and to love yourself. You are so loved, especially here at heart support.

Please keep reaching out to us. You are not alone.