Lying in bed trying to sleep. Getting flashbacks and self hate is absolutely unbearable

[kira]

So. I actually met a new guy and we went on a date 2 days ago. He even gave me roses and it was just so nice. We did have sex.

Today i asked him if he would like to see me again. And he said that he’s not sure yet cause he wants a relationship and he needs to think a few days about it. And i mean that’s absolutely ok and i respect that.

But it feels as if I already know that’s he’s gonna say no. And it’s just a feel and i want it gone.

Now I hate myself so much again cause my brain tells me I’m shit and he doesn’t want me. All he wanted was sex. I don’t want to hope anymore cause I always get burned. But i also don’t want to lose hope.

Now I’m lying in bed and i just wish I would stop existing. My whole body feels like pure hate. And I’m getting flashbacks from shitty things in shitty childhood. And i just want it all to stop.

[gnuone]

@kira
Perhaps you need to reflect on what a relationship means to you.
In many cases, a person is lonely and wants to be ‘with’ someone. They find someone who’s agreeable and they sleep together and it’s over. The relationship consist of a night out or a movie and sex, so not really a relationship in the formal sense.
For men it can often be about sex, and find a woman willing to have sex with them. When women, looking for a relationship, bump into one of these men, it’s such a different attitude they have a hard time accepting a night of enjoyable sex as just that, a night of sex. He may or may not call back, and if he doesn’t I’d say you’re better off, he’s not ready or sincere enough to form a lasting relationship with you at this time.
In future, as I said, reflect on what a relationship means to you, what it looks like between two people who care for each other in a meaningful way. Find out if ‘he’s’ going to be a person whose words align with his actions. Does he treat people well. How does he handle stress. There is a lot to learn about people, and the ones we want to be with, we should be extra careful about, because we all know, not everyone is who they seem.
Keep existing, you have taken a risk, and have trusted someone, there is Nothing wrong in that, it’s what happened or what has failed to happen that is causing you pain.
It’s hard to take risk with people, and perhaps your trust was misplaced, but you did the courageous thing. You did what many do to find love, don’t beat yourself up for taking the risk. Give yourself some self love by staying present in this moment, don’t revisit the past, don’t think of the future, just stay in the moment and breath deeply, visualize something beautiful and calming and continue to breath in and out, focusing on your breathing. This should help calm you.
Our past is our past, our history, it is Not who we are. Peace.

[PenCapChewww]

With dating the best piece of advice I can give is wait atleast 3-4 dates before sex and ask what are there intentions with you upfront. Gauge how interested they are based on what is actually talked about when getting to know one another and also how much effort is what they put into contacting you etc. Dating is all around challenging so please don’t ever feel alone when it comes to these situations because I’m reaching near the age 40 and finally found someone decent. I think when you come from a rough childhood it alters what is viewed as healthy etc because at a young age we are taught toxic things. Therapy honestly helps a lot in determining what is healthy and what is not etc

[Micro]

Dear @kira,

My heart breaks knowing the pain you’re going through. It’s not fair. I’ve read your other post about your childhood memories, and as much as I’m not a psychologist or a trauma specialist, I want you to know that how you feel makes sense right now, and you are not crazy. In my opinion, it sounds that it’s even likely to be a traumatic response to the rejection you’ve experienced with that man lately. As someone who tends to experience that kind of acute fear, loneliness and distress, also who’s been through a pretty shitty childhood, I want to assure you that you are not doomed to be stuck in that emotional state.

All he wanted was sex.

It’s not your fault. You want someone to be by your side, someone who would make you feel loved in a unique way. During those moments, we want to give our trust, we want to try to take some risks, but still we can’t control others behaviors and decisions. You did what you wanted at the moment and what sounded right to you. The result of this situation is not because of you. You are not unlovable. You are not made to be constantly hurt and betrayed. Though I believe, with all the things you shared on this forum about you and your life, that maybe taking some time to be your own priority, to work on your personal triggers, eventually to work on this past that keeps overwhelming you, could be great. Just to dedicate a new chapter in your life for yourself, so you can regain some strength, heal and build the support system you’ll need in the future. I’m not telling what to do with your life by the way. It’s only a friendly suggestion, as I want you to be safe and as I know that dating can bring us back to some old wounds that need to be healed first.

I don’t want to hope anymore cause I always get burned. But i also don’t want to lose hope.

That makes sense, absolutely. Trusting others with ourselves is scary, especially when we were hurt before. Last week I had a conversation with a dear friend in this community who pointed out to me how much I feel stuck in my life, between two choices that would both bring a certain amount of pain to me. When we feel like no option is safe, it’s normal to prefer avoidance and immobility. If we don’t move, if we don’t trust, if we don’t try, nothing bad could happen, right? But that is not living either. And you deserve to embrace this life, friend. You deserve to feel free to make your own decisions based on your free will, and not only default ones because of a fear to be hurt.

Now I’m lying in bed and i just wish I would stop existing. My whole body feels like pure hate. And I’m getting flashbacks from shitty things in shitty childhood. And i just want it all to stop.

I hope you took care of yourself after posting this, even if it was only by crying. Tears are okay when we’re hurting and carrying such an intense amount of pain. Know that through all of this, you are not alone. We’re with you, standing by your side, hurting with you and willing to share a huge amount of love.

I’d like to ask: have you thought about seeking counseling eventually? In times of deep vulnerability like this one, seeing a professional can be really, really helpful, even if it may take some time before finding the right one. You deserve to be supported through all of this, friend. You deserve to be helped in order to heal and overcome those life obstacles without feeling unsafe in your own body.

I’m sending hugs your way. I see you. I hear you. And even if I’m just a stranger, I care about you.

[kira]

I get it. I’ve started therapy last week. I’ve felt really good so i thought I would be able to date again without my thoughts spiraling like this. But obviously it’s gonna keep happening every time.

I wonder. Should he actually be interested in me after he thought about it. I’ll probably fuck it up by doing something else. Won’t I?

Should I even wait for his answer? Maybe I should just move on already.

[gnuone]

@kira

Please give yourself time, you’ve just “started” your therapy. Perhaps you need to devote this time to YOU. You don’t believe in yourself, because of past experiences, but therapy should help you overcome this false image of yourself you’ve developed over time. It’s a process, it takes time to heal what’s been wounded, but healing gives us a truer version of ourselves, and we leave behind the distorted version of ourselves we’ve lived with for so long, that we think of the distortion, as who we are.

@kira

I wonder. Should he actually be interested in me after he thought about it. I’ll probably fuck it up by doing something else. Won’t I?

This is a distortion, this is NOT the truth of you. Not at All. Therapy, I hope, will guide you to see the ‘real’ you, and when that happens, you’ll realize how few people actually know “You”. What they know is what you’ve come to believe about yourself, a false self image.
Which may be why this situation with men may seem repetitive.
But, with all that’s going on, you’re taking steps to change, to care for You, therapy, posting here, and any other self love steps you take, will contribute to your healing. Feel Good about the choices for healing you’ve taken, the initial steps are HARD, and they take COURAGE, so allow yourself to feel positive in this moment, and then the next moment… Peace.