So, a bit of backstory first. This is gonna be a reader so apologies if I ramble or if I’m inconsistent(you’ll see why I say this in a second). I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was about 6-8. As a kid, I thrived in school and was among the smartest in my class (high school reading level in elementary and college level in junior high) up until 8th-9th grade even, despite struggling with focusing at times and having a verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive mother to boot (long story for another time). Then, 10th grade hit and I started what would become a very fast and very violent decline. Which was exacerbated by about 200% due to a very tragic and very traumatizing event that I’ll save for another time that gave me depression, PTSD, and severe anxiety/panic disorder. Since then I’ve gotten worse every year. And after several years of destroying my mind and body voluntarily out of self-hatred, my mental health is the worst it’s ever been and it’s all thanks to my ADHD. And it was only recently that I realized how horrible and debilitating and crippling it can truly be. I’m in a constant state of confusion and just “what the fuck do I do???” all the time. In all the almost 10 years I’ve been working, I’ve only ever kept a job for a few months at a time and either quit due to being overwhelmed/panicked/bored or I was fired bc I couldn’t be consistent/on time. I’m currently engaged and with 3 month old son to the best woman I’ve ever met( better than I deserve tbh) and due to my inattention issues and forgetfulness and such she’s convinced I don’t care and that I don’t want to put forth effort into the relationship and we’re all but estranged now, even though I’ve tried multiple times to explain to her my issues and help her understand. It just never happens. The only money I have to my name is the $1,700 left from my income tax return. I still live with my dad (we don’t talk, long story) at 24 and at times depend on him for money. I often choose video games over important life tasks simply because it’s more stimulating/easier. To sum it up, I’m in hell. My life is hell. My head is hell. I’m living a nightmare every second I’m awake and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like the most broken human being on earth because I can’t seem to ever get my shit together long enough for it to make a difference. I can’t focus on anything. Even things I NEED to focus on. Like providing for my son. I feel like I’m a failure as a father, as a fiance, as a son, as a man, as a person. As anything really. And having major depression only feeds it and makes it that much worse. Sort of like gasoline on a fire. I have 2 job interviews tomorrow, with possibly more to be scheduled, so I’m trying as best as I know how given I was never taught how to be an adult in the first place. I just… I’m so lost. I had such high hopes and dreams for myself once upon a time. Being on a stage, doing what I love. And now I’m… this. I’ve looked into different coping mechanisms and techniques for this and I don’t even know where to start. It’s that bad. I can’t afford professional help or medication. Even when I do try different things to help me organize all the chaos I can’t ever focus long enough to stick with it. At this point I have to try just to try. I’ve reached a point where I’m genuinely questioning why I’m alive. Idk if I’m asking for help or advice or what. Idk what Im trying to say or what point I’m trying to make or if I even have a goal with this post. I just… I’m so fucking tired. And I don’t want to try anymore. It doesn’t help that I have literally no friends or family or support system up here because: one I moved up here like 3 years ago and two because I have crippling social anxiety. I don’t want to fucking try anymore, man. I feel alone, not even MISunderstood just not understood to any extent, and like I’m doomed to be this way for the rest of my life. I’m at a point where I just wanna be left alone. And I hate it. I hate myself. I hate my brain. I hate this.
I’m not sure i’m able to provide any comfort or help to you, but I can recommend a job. Realtor. They pay fairly well depending on which homes you sell and they aren’t that stressful. My cousin is one and I plan on getting my license as well because it’s a good job for people who either don’t have the time for an entire job or just aren’t able to. Not sure if this’ll help at all but it’s worth a shot to help provide for your family and yourself.
And i’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I think you’re really strong for still being here though and coming to this website. Please just hold on a little longer, even if it sucks to.