since sixth grade (roughly ten years ago) I had maladaptive dreams. I had about two different dreams, which never really changed. The dreams were absolutely brutal, because not only I couldn’t turn them off furthermore I saw my death every single time. I saw my own death day by day, maybe more then 20 times. Starting with that dreams, it was not easy to see this, but in the last 5 years, it wasn’t so bad. Actually I started kinda enjoying it. It felt right to have this dreams, because they were something stable while my depression hit hard.
My depression started about three years after my maladaptive dreams started. I was suicidal and had three really bad times in my life. The last two months so much changed in my life to good, that I can’t feel depressed right now. I really start thinking that I have overcome them somehow. But back to my dreams.
In all this years, I can’t remember one day without at least 2 or 3 of this dreams. Just until last week they stopped. They really just stopped and I don’t know why. They were besides thier bad content somehow important in my life. I know my triggers to get into extreme maladaptive dreams. None of them are working, I cannot really imagine these dreams anymore. My Head just stopps his functionallity, if I try to get into maladaptive dreams. I feel like I lost something important. For now I am not shure if it is good or bad for me, that they are gone. I think it should help myself not seeing me dying brutal deaths day by day, but it feels like I’m loosing more sanity since they are gone. What I mean by that, is that I feel addicted to the dreams and loosing them is hurting, even if I am somwhat glad, to not seeing that much blood and death all day.
Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing such intimate parts of your story with the community here.
When you say “dreams”, do you mean that you imagine these situations while being awake?
It sounds that this has been some kind of coping mechanism to you for a long time, something that brought control in the face of depression. To a different extent, many people who are depressed will voluntarily listen to sad/depressing music, or use unhealthy coping mechanisms because it allows them to 1/ feel in control and 2/ feel something! Depression can put us into an awful state of numbness that makes us feel detached from everything. So, sometimes we look after ways to feel that are not healthy eiter/can be damaging to us.
If it has been part of your life for a long time, then I think it makes sense to somehow feel empty for losing it. It forces you to also deal with life in a different way, one that you may not have been prepared for. You said it yourself though: it was a maladaptive coping mechanism, which implies that it might be good to learn to replace that for something else, at your own pace. The emptiness that you feel right now can also be filled by something different, something new, and something healthier for you.
Did you ever have the opportunity to talk about this with a professional as well? The fact that there is this change happening within you could be really interesting for you to explore with a therapist or a counselor. It could be an opportunity to understand yourself even better and find new ways to cope that would be meaningful to you, also to navigate the discomfort you feel while experiencing this kind of inner transition.
Seconding what Micro asked, what exactly are the dreams?
Can we get a wider context of what’s changed in your life?
I’m not a professional, and I would totally suggest you see one to provide a better understanding, but this sort of sounds like the changes in your life has successfully rewired your brain a bit, by pumping some of the good brain juices that have overwhelmed the triggers that cause the production of the maladaptive juices that cause the dreams.
Which is to say, that is sounds like your brain has begun to produce the needed chemicals to lead to more stable mood and happy states. Which is AWESOME news, if that’s the case.
The lost of these dreams are more like learning to walk again after a bad accident, and being fearful/reluctant to throw away the crutches you were dependent before. You don’t need them now, they would hold you back from progressing, but they are also comforting because they’re familiar.
You deserve to be know happiness and peaceful moments, to think well of yourself, to be hopeful for the future. When the negative thoughts about yourself stop, it may be scary to wake up one morning and not have that constant negative voice in your head.
Think of it as an old friend, maybe?
One who helped you by holding up your house while you slept. And then imagine that you built a new structure, with sturdy materials. Your friend now has no role to play in holding up your house and has left. Don’t try to return to a place where you needed those dreams. Focus on the happier days you have now, learn some new coping skills and habits.
Wishing you well friend, enjoy the happiness you have now!
Thank you so much for your kind answer!
To answer some of your questions: 1) Yes, I was always awake while dreaming.
2) Even if this is a bit uncomfortable I’ll give you some more context to the dreams. It wasn’t only my death, it was always connected with dying for someone. In my suicidal times some friends were the only reason to live for me. I had only one wish in these times besides suicide, to make them happy and give them comfort. Somehow they figured out and gave me the feeling of being important to them. So ending my life wasn’t possible, because I would make them sad. (At this point I have to say, that I really love my friends and I am so thankful for their time and help in my darkest times.) So as a conclusion dying for me was only valid as dying for one of my friends and thats what this dreams were all about.
I think at the moment celebrating time with people I love and beeing sourrounded by just supportive friends is my cure. There is really nothing going wrong at the moment. It feels like I don’t have to cope anymore. I don’t want to die! I love being alive because mostly everyday is fun and productive. Maybe I just can’t think about giving my life that easy away, because for me my life got a value. Thats something I thought half a year back I would never say.
You and @Sita might be right. I hope that this minor feeling of missing something is more good then actually bad.
Ahhh, I totally understand what you mean!! Again, I’m not a professional, but I know when I’ve had these thoughts, it was a way for me to give myself a feeling of purpose and worth. Because it was a sacrifice, one that people would notice and be able to see that I did something good. It’s like a self-soothing thought, and I am so THRILLED that you don’t need them anymore.
That you are feeling better and more peaceful is such progress.
I will encourage you to make a journal post, here or in a diary or on your computer, where you list things that bring you comfort and happiness, and detail your joy right now. If ever you feel down in the future, it will be useful to hear your own happy voice, and the kindness you have to your past self who was struggling.
Thank you as well for your reply and giving more context, @Marxus.
What you describe makes so much sense! Really. And it sounds that you’ve been really understanding yourself/how your mind functions really well on that matter. I’m absolutely blown away by your thoughtfulness and ability to reflect on yourself in such an in-depth manner.
I think at the moment celebrating time with people I love and beeing sourrounded by just supportive friends is my cure. There is really nothing going wrong at the moment. It feels like I don’t have to cope anymore. I don’t want to die! I love being alive because mostly everyday is fun and productive. Maybe I just can’t think about giving my life that easy away, because for me my life got a value. Thats something I thought half a year back I would never say.
Wow. Just wow. I imagine how long this journey was for you, to come from this previous mindset to writing all of this right now. Such a beautiful progress. Thank you for sharing it with us.
YES, your life has value. So grateful for the people close to you who has been such a pillar of support as well. The journey and progress are the results of your own growth, but it’s always better to go through the motions with the help of the people we love, and who never hesitate to reflect that love on us too.
As for how you feel right now, I think @Sita’s comparison with losing an old friend is very accurate. There is something close to a grief there, just because it’s been part of you, of your life, for a long time. It’s okay to miss it for now, especially if you didn’t expect for things to change that way. Little by little, you will learn to cope differently. Maybe even the last weeks or months you’ve had these thoughts were not even fulfilling or responding to any need at the moment, but were present more because it became an automatism over time? The fact that you don’t need it anymore can be very freeing even if a bit disturbing at first. But it surely shows that you are letting go of what is not necessary anymore.
