I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay. I’ve been in the shadows trying to pretend like I am.
I haven’t shared with anyone how I have been bed bound for days. That I’m so mentally sick that my body is sick. I’m in so much pain I can barely move.
I’ve been fighting suicidal ideation non stop for days. I’m struggling convincing myself life is worth living.
I keep asking myself why I keep giving so much of myself for others. Nobody in my entire family even cares that I exist. That is not an exaggeration. I’ve been trying to build a relationship with my adopted dad. Who was going to help me pay for therapy but his own misfortune disabled him from doing that. We’re trying to rebuild a relationship but it sometimes goes for weeks or months without talking.
I was exiled due to sexual abuse. I hold no value. I’m disposable. So much so that an entire family is willing to cast me out to protect their relationship with a man who abuses children. A man who is dead. A dead man out values me.
Half of my friends on Facebook are heart support community members. Half of it is friends I’ve met through twitch. My entire life line is full of strangers
I’m broken. I’m alone. I’m sick and I’m struggling.
I’m stepping away. I’m so tired. I keep trying to pop up in Dans stream to absorb any positive energy I can there. Heart support feels like a life line. It feels like the final string that’s been holding me up. But I know that it isn’t appropriate to rely on it that way. Or the people in it. I’m so much older than so many and feel so out of place.
I’m withdrawing and going into isolation. I don’t have the energy to try to fit in anymore. I don’t have the energy to love and give. I’m tired.
I’m tired of nobody in my family ever reaching out to me. And since 2012 not one person has reached out or noticed my disappearance. Nobody cares that I’m gone. The same as when I’m quiet and hurting anywhere else, nobody sees my absence.
I don’t have much value in this life. I could be gone tomorrow and there’s not a lot of people that would notice or care. My boyfriend would. His heart is so good. He loves me in ways that nobody ever has.
And when he’s not home I feel incomplete.
I’m sick. I’m so mentally sick my body is sick. I’m not okay. I need to step back and just…I’m not sure. Rest. I guess. And stop guilting for not being more present for other places and people. Stop guilting for not responding. I need to just stop guilting for a world that wouldn’t care if I was gone tomorrow.
This is not directed at anyone here! This is about my family and those in my direct life.
Heart support is the only place that has showed me any kind of love. The people here have showed me more kindness than anyone in my life.
But I can’t keep being here. I don’t have the energy. I feel like I’m dying. My body is in so much pain. And I don’t want to be like this here. In front of everyone. I don’t know what I need. I’m having a hard time staying anywhere. I just want to pull the plug. I’m so overwhelmed.