March 15 th

This is Ness . He was an avid runner,amazing artist,my big brother, the most faithful person I knew. He was all of these and so much more .


On March 15,2012 he chose to end his life . My family and I would spend hour’s upon hours waiting in the ICU . So many tears . So many prayers said. So many unanswered questions. At times I wept so hard I thought there couldn’t possibly be any more tears left . Somehow there always was more . The sharp pain in my chest felt never ending. The lump in my throat every time someone offered condolences. I cried even in my sleep. Ness came to me in dream and told me he was ok . He looked so happy and his face wasn’t swollen anymore he was the way I remembered him. He was wearing the most brilliant blue long sleeve button down shirt. I woke up crying. The next day I went shopping for his burial clothes. I went to one store but I couldn’t find a shirt that brilliant blue that was etched into my mind. Then I went to another store, and another then another. It finally dawned on me that the blue in my dream didn’t exist in this life . I sat down in the middle of the the men’s clothing section and bawled my eyes out . Eventually I got up found the last clothes he would wear .

The truth was that we didn’t have a nurturing home environment. I knew why my brother felt the way he did . In a way I understand why he did what he did . I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of doing the same. We had stuff happened to us that no child should have to deal with. I don’t blame our parents it took me a long time to understand that they had and have battles I will will never know. I truly believe they did the best that they could.

I could go on about how incredibly painful all these past events and experiences were . But I’m not going to because I’d much rather talk about the positives . I know what postives ? Right ?That was a whole lot of heavy emotions I just laid out. I know it seems ludicrous but it’s not I promise.

So the first postive I’ve come to realize is that my love for my brother is something that can never be taken , lost, or broken. That is such a beautiful thing to know .

The second postive thing I found that once I was able to openly talk about what happened not only did I aid in my healing but I realized the potential that someone going through similar circumstances could possibly feel less alone and maybe feel understood. What a gift that would be ! How amazing to make a connection with someone who could really use it.

The third postive thing I’ve found is that by being forced to deal with my feelings about everything that has happened. I was forced to make a choice. And I chose to keep trying to keep getting up and to keep talking about it all . I never would of acknowledged that I myself suffer from depression and anxiety. And needed to deal with my issues in order to make progress. I’m going to keep trying and that’s really all you can do .

Almost 9 years later I’ve made progress but I’ll always be a work in progress. There is no magic ticket to get better or be normal because those don’t exist . There is acceptance of who you are and trying to be who you want to be . Myself personally I just want to love me and I’m still trying and that’s ok .

If you got to the end of this I hope I connected to you in a positive way. And whatever you are going through . You’re not alone . Heal and grow at your own pace .

As always all my love ,T

P.S Thanks for reading my story.





Words won’t be enough to express my gratitude for you right now, so excuse me in advance for my poor wording. Your post brought me to tears in a brutal way. Not because it would be positive or negative, but because it’s so full of life, both with its darkest sides and beauty.

You just made that emotional connection with a random stranger right now. There is so much of my own heart in your message. I know the pain of losing a big brother. Of losing this inspiring sibling and safe presence that has grown up, with you, in an environment where things happened but should never be. It creates a special bond, something that goes beyond words.

It’s been three years for my brother, but time doesn’t make it easier. As you said, there’s so many tears. He was taken away because of a disease that developped suddenly, and way too fast. We were not prepared. Those hours spent in hospital, crying, praying and having those sparks of false hope during the last hours, just because I wasn’t willing to accept what was going on. It feels like it happened yesterday. My heart goes out to you, so much.

Those three positives things that you’ve listed are beautiful and grounded in truth. I needed to read that today, probably more than I was willing to admit. Thank you so much for sharing such thoughtful words. It’s a gift. The impact is real and profound. I’ll keep your words in my heart.

Thinking of you and your brother today. Thank you for honoring his memory in such a beautiful way, and for inviting us all to be part of this.

Let’s keep doing our best to make them proud of us, even if it hurts, and even if it’s not perfect. Being works in progress is our greatest hope.



Micro , I’m sorry for the late reply. You got crying good tears . Reading your message brings me so much joy . I’m so happy you wrote a response and that I connected with you . Today is always a hard day for me . Every year it’s a different hard . This year I’m thankful to be in a positive space . Please message I’d love to make more a connection with you if you are up to it .

1 Like