This is Ness . He was an avid runner,amazing artist,my big brother, the most faithful person I knew. He was all of these and so much more .
On March 15,2012 he chose to end his life . My family and I would spend hour’s upon hours waiting in the ICU . So many tears . So many prayers said. So many unanswered questions. At times I wept so hard I thought there couldn’t possibly be any more tears left . Somehow there always was more . The sharp pain in my chest felt never ending. The lump in my throat every time someone offered condolences. I cried even in my sleep. Ness came to me in dream and told me he was ok . He looked so happy and his face wasn’t swollen anymore he was the way I remembered him. He was wearing the most brilliant blue long sleeve button down shirt. I woke up crying. The next day I went shopping for his burial clothes. I went to one store but I couldn’t find a shirt that brilliant blue that was etched into my mind. Then I went to another store, and another then another. It finally dawned on me that the blue in my dream didn’t exist in this life . I sat down in the middle of the the men’s clothing section and bawled my eyes out . Eventually I got up found the last clothes he would wear .
The truth was that we didn’t have a nurturing home environment. I knew why my brother felt the way he did . In a way I understand why he did what he did . I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of doing the same. We had stuff happened to us that no child should have to deal with. I don’t blame our parents it took me a long time to understand that they had and have battles I will will never know. I truly believe they did the best that they could.
I could go on about how incredibly painful all these past events and experiences were . But I’m not going to because I’d much rather talk about the positives . I know what postives ? Right ?That was a whole lot of heavy emotions I just laid out. I know it seems ludicrous but it’s not I promise.
So the first postive I’ve come to realize is that my love for my brother is something that can never be taken , lost, or broken. That is such a beautiful thing to know .
The second postive thing I found that once I was able to openly talk about what happened not only did I aid in my healing but I realized the potential that someone going through similar circumstances could possibly feel less alone and maybe feel understood. What a gift that would be ! How amazing to make a connection with someone who could really use it.
The third postive thing I’ve found is that by being forced to deal with my feelings about everything that has happened. I was forced to make a choice. And I chose to keep trying to keep getting up and to keep talking about it all . I never would of acknowledged that I myself suffer from depression and anxiety. And needed to deal with my issues in order to make progress. I’m going to keep trying and that’s really all you can do .
Almost 9 years later I’ve made progress but I’ll always be a work in progress. There is no magic ticket to get better or be normal because those don’t exist . There is acceptance of who you are and trying to be who you want to be . Myself personally I just want to love me and I’m still trying and that’s ok .
If you got to the end of this I hope I connected to you in a positive way. And whatever you are going through . You’re not alone . Heal and grow at your own pace .
As always all my love ,T
P.S Thanks for reading my story.
