My marriage is ending. We’ve been married for eight years and thinking back. I’m not sure I was ever truly happy. I’ve been through a really tough time in this life. Throughout our entire marriage, I was battling trauma from my past, substance abuse, and completely unable to communicate. Husband was always there for me, whenever I was feeling sad or distraught. But it was never truly enough for me. He’s addicted to video games. And I have competed with video games for the past eight years all while trying to heal myself.
I have a good job despite my emotional baggage. And I’ve always been the breadwinner in this marriage, because he has chosen a job that allows him to play video games all night, which doesn’t pay very much at all. With his job, he cannot afford to live on his own. Most of the bills falls to me and has for the last eight years. We have separate accounts, we have no assets, we have no savings, I have a 401(k) and pay for insurance for both of us. we both own our cars and for our entire relationship we have lived in the same apartment.
There has always been an un happiness, and a lack of communication between both parties. We eat together, we don’t sleep together, he works nights and I work days and we have done this for eight years. He doesn’t visit my family for the holidays because he says he doesn’t like them. So we are just roommates right now. Coexisting but not actually thriving. I’ve tried to push him into a better job, something on days shift, so we can plan vacations and spend our weekends together, and most importantly sleep together at night like a married couple should. But no matter how many times I have had this discussion or had a nervous breakdown trying to convey my needs, it goes unheard, and I am ignored, and lonely. So eventually, I just stopped communicating. Because what was the point? And i know that lack of communication is the number one reason for a marriage to fail. But here we are.
last December I changed. I went from the lowest point that I had ever felt in my entire life to a complete 180.
I tried to commit suicide December 21. I lost it. I went completely crazy and was wandering the frozen lakeside, but I was mumbling to myself, and walking for hours along the waters edge, looking at every single object that I passed and thinking about the ways that I could kill myself with such an object, broken glass against the beach - really sharp driftwood pieces that had washed ashore. Fishing line to strangle myself with. I walked forever, arguing with myself, mumbling, talking myself into the idea that maybe I should just walk out onto the ice, and plunge myself into the depths of the lake. I had nothing to live for at that point. I hate my job. my marriage is failing. I’m so lonely and unhappy. All the while still struggling with my past. I walked and walked until I was numb from the frigid temperatures. And I stood on the ice for a really long time, hoping and praying that it would just cave beneath my weight, and that everything would be over with in just a few more minutes. But the ice never gave.
Eventually, I dragged myself back to my car in tears because I had failed at my life and I had failed at ending it. The very next day I scheduled an appointment and the doctor prescribed me anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medication. I could barely get through the appointment because I was crying so hard. I couldn’t even get out what I was feeling, but I was also very scared that whatever I said would cause me to be locked up. So… I took my medicine. And the first week, I was so tired and drained. But my mind was quiet. And I was worried that maybe it was changing me for the worst.
But after the first week of meds I changed completely. Was happy and eager to clean and exercise, keep up with my family and friends better, be more present and focused, especially at work. I was a new person.
It was like I was waking up to my life and finally taking charge of it instead of being adrift. The meds quieted my mind enough for me to focus on the things that were right in front of me. But as my life was changing, the one thing that didn’t change was my husband. And I started waking up to all of the issues that we had faced for these eight years. He would come home after work ( and work consisted of him working at a hotel where he played video games all night long because he worked night shift), and then he would come home and play video games even more. And I would just stare at the back of his head at this desk. And then he would go to sleep during the day while I worked, and when he would wake up, he would immediately go back to playing video games. I would cook dinner, I would serve him a plate and make him a drink and take it to his gaming desk. When I would come home after being out hiking, or something, he wouldn’t greet me, or even stand up from his gaming desk. We would just say hey, like we were roommates. And I would go about making dinner while he gamed. We don’t speak about anything that matters. Any time I have to ask an important or deep question about where our life is, where our life is going, what our goals are, he just doesn’t talk. He says he doesn’t care. And that he’s happy as long as he’s with me. I hate that answer. I want him to be his own person and to have his own goals and aspirations. But he doesn’t.
I am living a life with someone that I have no connection with. Any time he speaks to me he talks about games, and I don’t care about it anymore. It makes me cringe when he is talking to me about what happened “last night at work” but when I finally hear whatever he has to say, it’s all about video games . It’s not about anything real at all.
The only time that he wants anything to do with me is whenever he wants sex. Whenever he complements me, it’s always about sex. Specifically anal. I’ve just had enough. I’m tired of being looked at as a piece of meat and not as a partner. I’m tired of single-handedly doing everything and paying the majority of the bills. I’m tired of having this child as a husband, who refuses to communicate, and just plays all day long. I’ve just had enough.
I’m finally getting better, and I wanted our life to get better, but now that my head is clear, I am realizing that the life that I want with him is never going to be achieved as long as he is addicted to video games. And he refuses to admit that he is addicted even though he spent the majority of his time playing games than he does anything else.
He asked me the other day if I wanted to go out on a date. He told me that I would just need to pick a day and a place and he would take me out to dinner. I declined. Mainly Because when we go out to dinner, he stares at his phone because he’s playing Mortal Kombat on his phone… and also I don’t want to decide where we go or when. Every decision that we have ever made has always been my decision, because he refuses to take the initiative and make a decision himself. and yet he wonders why I don’t want to go on dates with him anymore.
I have spent 90% of my marriage alone. Going to holidays alone, going on trips alone, going to the grocery store alone, and sleeping alone. So bring 100% alone does not scare me in the slightest anymore. And quite honestly, I’ve made a realization that I am happier alone that I am when I’m with him.
I don’t know how to get out of this marriage though. He moved from across the country to be with me and he doesn’t have any savings to be able to get his own place here, so he would ultimately have to go back home and stay with his family. I’m so scared that he’s going to move back with his family and start mooching off them instead.
I don’t know anything about divorce. I’m scared that I’m gonna have to pay him alimony. I don’t know who to talk to or how to even talk to him about separating. I just know that he’s either going to get angry or he’s going to say nothing at all and continue with the silent treatment that he constantly gives me. He Internalizes everything and never communicates.
Please help me navigate the situation. I’m so lost and so confused.
