Married to a narcissist

[Nosh]

I don’t even know where to start. I’m married, have been for 5 years now. Last year we took a break, he told me to leave and he expected me to come back and I decided to stay away from him for 3 months.
After 3 months, he tried really hard again. He stopped and listened, he apologized, we talked out everything that went wrong and we for the first time in our marriage resolved a lot and had a plan to be closer in our marriage. He was gentle and loving as I took my time to come back and was understanding about my boundaries until I felt I could trust him again.

That was 6 months ago. But now, things are different. Honestly I feel so stupid for coming back. But another thing changed in our lives, I got pregnant when I came back to him. Our baby just made it to second trimester and we will welcome him into our lives in October.

But married life isn’t the same. It’s not at all what I expected to come back to. It isn’t better. In some ways yes I guess it is, but it’s so quickly returning to how things were before I left. Sometimes I feel like he’s just misunderstood and is genuinely trying. Other times it’s like he has zero empathy at all and he’s furious if he feels slighted by me in the least but he’s not emotionally there for me at all anymore. Honestly I don’t think he ever was, I was just so thrilled to see him trying again back then.

Today we were going to meet with some friends. We ran out of regular coffee and I don’t drink it anyways because of the baby so I just made a pot of decaf. I woke up early and made him his favorite breakfast, gave him a backrub and tried to make the morning nice. He took my window for a shower so I didn’t have time to shower before our event, and I was running late getting things ready so I only had a small breakfast before we left out the door.

Right as we went to leave he filled a coffee mug up to take with him. I mentioned it was decaf and he completely flipped in an instant.

He threw the coffee across the counter, spraying fresh coffee all over the floor. Cursed at me and stormed out of the room demanding why the f&@k I would make decaf.

It hurt me so much. We went into the car to go to our event and in the car he was furious and drove in dead silence. I told him his reaction was extreme and it really hurt me, his response is I should have gone to the store two weeks ago when the coffee supply was getting low so he wouldn’t be denied the things he wants to eat and drink.

I mentioned to him that I got up early, made him a great breakfast, gave him a backrub and sacrificed my shower time for him and the one thing I didn’t do was supply his kind of coffee one time and that it’s extreme for him to act this way.

His response was to meet me with dead silence. We went to our event and on the way home he didn’t speak a single word to me. He’s been silently fuming ever since.

I feel so horribly stupid for ever going back to a man like him. I don’t know if I’m the one on the wrong here, but I feel like he couldn’t be more selfish. And I’m so scared for the life this will mean for our baby. I’m hurt and I feel alone, and it also makes me feel like there’s no point in trying for him in all these other ways if one thing I do wrong warrants him treating me so badly. I regret ever marrying this man. I know baby hormones make me extreme so maybe I’m being too over the top. But I’m just heartbroken that he thinks it wouldn’t affect me to be treated this way. I missed half our event because I was hiding in the bathroom crying. He told our group I was just sick from my pregnancy. I feel so alone, and I want nothing to do with him right now. But I also don’t want my baby to lose their father.

I was so grateful and happy that I didn’t lose him when we separated. But now that we’re back together, he doesn’t seem to feel the same way. In fact he looks at me like I never do enough for him. I’m so sorry for feeling this way but I have no outlet to speak up and I’ve never felt more hopeless in my entire life.

I still love him. I feel bad because it’s so hard for me to understand him, and he says I just see the negative in him and that I don’t try to think of him as a friend and that I haven’t given him a chance. I’m trying, really I am. And I feel for him too because I’m all he has left in his world. But I’m lost, I don’t have a single idea what to do. I left him once, and now I can’t just do that again right when it gets bad again. I don’t want to hurt him again by leaving. And I really don’t want to leave. I just think that the man I fell in love with was just my idea of him, when he was trying his absolute hardest to be who I wanted him to be. But the man he really is, my husband, is not who I fell in love with. And now everything he does is a bigger deal because I’m seeing how he will be around our baby. I don’t know how to feel anymore…

[ManekiNeko]

Nosha, thank you for being here and thank you for being so open and honest about your experience and what you are going through. I know it’s absolutely terrifying to be in a situation where someone acts impulsive and you’re never sure what will set them off.
I also know that many women are scared to say or do anything and so I want you to know that your words do not fall on deaf ears. That there may be silent voices that share your hurt and stand with you.

There have been a few things you have mentioned that really resonated with me, that really stood out to me and that really made my heart hurt for you.
I know that people standing on the outside see things so differently and that they see everything as black and white when there is so much nuanced greys.

• I feel so horribly stupid for ever going back to a man like him
  There is a reason people like this have relationships and that is because they know how to act a certain way or “change” just enough. You are not stupid. You have created a life with and around this person, and it’s not easy to just leave it all. As I said people on the outside think they see everything clearly, but this man has friends and family who would never imagine this is the life you are living.
  People will see a situation like the coffee incident and say “well that couldn’t have happened. There must be more to it, he would have just gone himself to get coffee” and it’s those moments that depend this fear and feeling that “it must be me”, or those feelings and thoughts of “I am so stupid for being with someone like this”.
  You’re not the problem. You are not stupid.
  He’s at playing the part for others.

-I’m so sorry for feeling this way but I have no outlet to speak up and I’ve never felt more hopeless in my entire life.
This space is safe and you don’t have to apologise for your feelings. Your feelings are very valid and you aren’t overreacting and it’s not just baby hormones. You are fearful for your baby and you have been seeing and experiencing concerning behaviours.
I would say that is all a very legitimate way to feel.

I want to say how proud I am of you for reaching out in this moment and to express all of this.
Your safety will always be the #1 priority above his feelings. So is it okay to ask if you have a physical safe space? A friend or family member who can be close or you can stay with if you need to? I know that’s a huge thing to think about so I don’t want you to feel like you are pressured to have to do anything, it’s just my way of wanting to let you know that you matter so deeply and that you deserve to feel safe.

[Nosh]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It immediately made me start to cry for someone to finally understand the silent fear and sadness that I’m going through.
Some days are really good, he’s happy and playful and even wants to show me things and spend time with me. But on the day of the coffee incident that’s how he was too. So when that one thing turned our entire day sour it was so shocking to me and it completely destroyed any feelings I had for him that day.
The rest of the day we had go to some social events and he acted as kind as ever, stuck close to me, bragged about our baby to people, introduced his friends to me and even teased me playfully like we were completely fine. I thought he was just acting for the sake of others but when we got home he was still acting happy and like nothing happened.
Honestly that hurts more because it makes me feel like him seeing how badly it hurt me didn’t even register to him and he doesn’t care in the least. How could he think I’m fine by just moving on with our day like it didn’t happen? All of his kindness felt fake but when he got home and kept up the charade I realized it wasn’t that he was faking but that he really didn’t see what he did as a big deal and he didn’t care enough about me to put the energy into talking about it again.
I do have a safe place to go if I need to. He gets very triggered if I go to a certain friend or my parents after any kind of disagreement because it reminds him of where I went when we separated and he doesn’t like to feel exposed to those people. He expressed that since he didn’t tell others all the things I apparently did to him that he didn’t like then me going to my parents and my friend wasn’t fair because they all see him as a bad guy and his family all sees only the good in me. So it’s harder to open up to them because I don’t want to paint a bad picture in their heads of him when he isn’t all bad and he does have good qualities too. But sometimes when he does something that I just can’t handle I feel weak and just have to talk to them about it. If worst comes to worst they know how he was before and it took a lot for them to welcome him back in their lives after our break but I know they’d help me again if I need it.

[ManekiNeko]

It must feel so jarring to see such complete opposite sides to someone. Knowing they have this side that is happy and excitable and then seeing this drastic change when you least expect it.
It’s like you see the potential they hold and see the good that they are capable off and just hope against hope that they can also see the drastic changes themselves.

Does it feel sometimes when the moment has passed if you bring up what has happened he may get angry that you’re bringing something up to ruin the moment/day/evening? Often it’s hard to be able to communicate about the events that have taken place and how they have effected you because to them you are criticising them in a moment of weakness and that makes you the “bad” person.
What they struggle to realise is that bringing up an issue isn’t an intention to mock or criticise others, it’s to resolve it so it can be prevented from happening again.

So when you remove yourself from the environment, it’s not to make him feel or look like a bad person perse, it is because there is something that is getting lost and twisted in translation, and if someone cannot control their anger and actions that cause fear or harm to others, then they need to be accountable for that.
If a child has a reaction when we tell them “no”, often the parents will let them know why what just happened wasn’t an appropriate response and sometimes may take them to a time out to cool down. With someone who is much bigger and much stronger than a child, it can be more intimidating and they don’t respond to the “this is why what you did was not okay” talk as positively.
So we can say that perhaps it’s not so much as trying to paint someone in a bad light, but the actions they are making aren’t appropriate/ aren’t okay/ aren’t safe to be around.

I can deeply resonate with you and your words, I can also deeply resonate with your family. It’s so very hard when you love someone so much to feel they could be in danger (for lack of a better word).
You are not weak for talking about it. The idea of having friends and family is to have people with outside experience and ideas that can input into your relationship.
We aren’t meant to be cut off and isolated with just our partners to talk to.

[I-Am-Reclaimer]

Hey friend,

I’m really happy you found HeartSupport. I think that you’ll find that in some capacity this sense of feeling so alone will aleviate. We’re a group of people who are here because we’ve been there, if you get what I mean.

I also think that it’s great that you came here for this considering the context of your situation. It’s super important to get unbiased, non-judgmental advise and perspective on things like this.

For example, one of the greatest peices of advice that I’ve gotten for relationships is; Don’t turn to your friends/family that you know will side with you when you’re in an arguement and just sh*^ on the other person. Go to the people who will tell you that you’re wrong, that will open your eyes to the things that you may be doing… but these people are also the people who know that partner for who they are. In this case, it does lean into the narcissit category. I digress…

I think what @ManekiNeko said hits the nail on the head on so many things, so I don’t think it needs to be repeated. Just know that that position is the right position.

I wanted to provide a male’s perspective on this as well as some things that I’ve learned on my journey that may add additional perspective to help you get your head around this.

To preface, I’m actually divorced from a DSM-5 diagnosed narcisist. Someone who traumatized me so much mentally and emotionally that three years later I’m still not healed entirely.

That said, at first I was cautious to lean into the label of narcisist as it’s become a term that has become overused and used incorrectly to describe something or someone who actually isn’t narcissitic. Afterall, we all aren’t perfect. We all have bad days. We all trip up.

however, in reading the last paragraph to your reply to ManekiNeko I recognized some tell-tale behavior. I experienced over and over and to an increasing degree the aspect of my EX trying to sever any tie to people who she thought was a threat to her and what her agenda was. This included manipulating me into not reaching out to friends and family when I needed help or someone to talk to. Narcisist are “perfect” and any threat to that ideal is a major red flag in their eyes. Be careful with this one - keep those avenue’s open because the overall manipulation can get to the point of reaching “stockholm syndrom.” something that I actually entered without even realizing it. This is another reason why I’m glad you reached out on this forum.

With you two expecting a child, it complicates situations like this 10 fold, so I genuinly you both individually seek therapy and to also seek out couples counseling. Depending on your partner’s temperment, this concept could be like putting an oil fire out with water. You know your partner the best and there may need to be a strategy / plan to put into place in order to acheive this with the least amount of friction possible. If you need some pointers, I’m here to help out.

It’s important that your child has the necessary nurturing, support, and upbringing possible - It’s all long term effects with this one. I think that counseling could go a long way.

Now for some acidotes:

From a guy’s perspective, all we want from our partners really is to feel appreciated. is to feel that we’re actually needed and that the things we do, no matter how badly done or whatever, that you see us for our effort. In the begennings of relationships this is rarely an issue as both people are infatuated with one another, but as you grow closer to that person, the little things start to bother you. Women are so much more detail oriented and organized than men that it gets to the point that even though the guy is trying, the woman can often see the minor misteps, mistakes, or whatever and call those out rather than appreciating the global act. This can lead to a man becoming callous and withdrawn (we internalize our emotions because that’s what society has told us to do). It can get to the point to where simple things will make us fly off the handle.

Now, what he did with the coffee thing is absolutely ridiculous and has no excuse for that behavior at least being talked about and apoligized for. Though, there could be some underlying elements to this. That is, unless this is typical behavior from a narcisistic standpoint.

Some of the best wisdom I’ve gotten from people in my life who have had very long and overall happy and constructive relationships have told me this:

Being married is about falling in love with your partner over and over and over again. We evolve as humans. We don’t stay static in who and what we are. Things fade and new things take their place. It’s part of the natural process of being married to fall out of love, but where so many people fail is they don’t fall BACK into love with one another. Google this concept some time for some reading on it.

I’ll cap it here for now, but know that it’s paramount that you feel safe, you feel happy, you feel fulfilled…but above all of that is that your child is safe, happy, and fullfilled.

Also, it’s paramount for men to understand that when a woman is pregnant, it can be hell, but it’s our duty to make sure our wives are nothing but the utmost importance for us.

Stay strong my friend. I’m glad you’re here.

[tromboness]

Welcome, Nosh! I’m so glad you’ve found a safe place here to share your experiences. It is important to have a place where you are able to let it all out, and you are brave in trusting our community.

That is a difficult place to be when the the times your efforts fall short of expectations overshadow the ways that you do go beyond expectations. It is terrifying to have to wonder if something you do will trigger another outburst. It is also terrifying wondering if your child will have to go through the same experiences you have having right now. It must also feel really lonely that no one sees his outbursts but you because they don’t understand how serious your situation is.

The way things are right now, it doesn’t seem that either choice of staying with him or separating again is the ideal one. You want your home to be a safe place, but you also want your child to have the home stability that can come with having both parental figures. As a daughter of divorced parents, I think it did work out in our case to have my parents separated. There was less conflict at home; I was able to move with my mom to a better place for me to grow up. I also recognize that there are struggles with being a single parent. You’re less financially secure; there can be stigma about you as a divorcee.

However you choose to proceed, I hope you are able to make your home a safe and welcoming place for you and your child. If you choose stay, I hope that you’ll be able to work with your husband to improve your relationship. If you choose to leave, I hope you find the support network necessary to be able to make a new home.

Take care, and Hold Fast!

[Nosh]

I’d really like to emphasize how much I appreciate this reply. Going to my friend’s and family did make them easily side with me, which to a point was fulfilling but it didn’t get me the whole picture and it’s made things bad in our family with my husband as well. An outside perspective helps me to see both sides to this and really try to analyze my next steps.
I also really appreciate what you said about how a man wants to feel appreciated. I’m not perfect either, and especially pregnant he may notice that I’m more on edge with the things he does because every action makes me wonder how he’ll be with our child in the future. I’d definitely agree that would make him on edge.
I know for a fact I have a lot to work on too, I just really wish he could see me with a more empathetic eye. That morning with the coffee I felt like I gave a lot up of my own wants and needs and put him first, and one mistake made everything I did not good enough. That was the part that made this incident hurt me the most. But the extreme reaction from him also scared me because we’ve been in a place where he’s physically scared me before and I panic if I see those kind of actions coming back, especially for our baby.
I’m really grateful to your post, even in my different situation there’s things I can do to try to understand him better. We ended up talking about this and while I wasn’t completely satisfied with his response and how he didn’t seem apologetic about how it made me feel, he at least allowed me to express myself and give me his perspective too. It took a little bit of pushing to get him to talk about it but in the end it felt like progress that he was even willing to talk about it.
Thank you so much for helping me see this from a husband’s perspective.

[Nosh]

Thank you for your reply. Seeing this from how it would make my child feel coming from us as parents is a good perspective.
I’ve already left my husband once for 3 months, and when we finally began to work on things and talk things out it felt wonderful to come back again. At the time it felt like the same bliss we had when we were dating again.
But after 6 months, resuming our lives together and slowly seeing the same things that made us separate, it really does scare me a lot, twofold now that my child will be involved.
I wouldn’t say our marriage is all bad, and we both promised each other we would work hard not to allow ourselves to get to where we were before. So I don’t have an absolute idea of what to do yet. His sudden reaction scared me a lot, but I don’t want to be rash about this either and prematurely keep my child from their father. I still love him and he has good qualities, but ultimately the safety and security of my child comes first. I want to give this time for now and try harder to talk these things through with him. I just really hope he still wants to try to work on it with me too.