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May be believing that a person is toxic

Well , I didn’t want to post this because I am not trying g to make a big deal about this . So when I was a senior in high school I started being friends with this person .And she decided to ask me for my number and I’m like okay . We’ve been talking ever since then . It’s come to the point where she’s called me almost every day . Couple times in the morning where I wake up for a second and put my phone on silent because I am not up . Then when ever she calls me it feels like it’s every day . When I don’t answer I tell her I can’t . When I dont answer she says “call me”. And I give in . So far that happened 6 times . I know I need to be there for her but I can’t be there for her 24/7 . Today was one of those days where she used me as a venting post wich it feels like Everytime she calls me . I don’t remember one single phone call from her that was postivie beside her having kids. Even today when she called me , I thought of “please shoot me” because that was going through my head because I didn’t want to take this call. Also today it was one of those days where she threatened to sue someone for some reason I didn’t catch . It probably was because she didn’t want the hospital to do scans and tests on her daughter . Her daughter had an 105 feever which may cause her seziers . Anyways I don’t know what to do besides tell her I don’t want to talk to her . I feel like something bad may happen if I do . Me writing this just seemed pointless. And selfish of me to do so . Thanks for reading.

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Thank you for posting. Your writing isn’t selfish or pointless at all. It matters. I know it can be really hard with friendships but what I do know is that you have to put yourself first. It doesn’t make you a bad person or someone who doesn’t care. What I’ve learned is if I don’t set boundaries with my one friend it started to affect so many areas of my life negatively. It even affected my marriage because I’d put her first everytime she went into crisis mode. I became bitter and started hating her than hating myself for having those thoughts. I really had to learn that if my friend did do anything it wasn’t my fault. She had to learn to heal the toxic behavior and not be enabled. It’s been hard but we are not closer than ever since I’ve started to out my health first. Maybe start small and let her know that you are busy and will call her tomorrow. Oh just be honest with her that you are trying to take care of you and need a break from talking for a little bit and need a break to recharge. It’s really hard to go through this and it doesn’t mean you don’t care but you can’t be there for her if you can’t take care of you first. She has the choice to respond however she does but it’s not in you. You matter and deserve to put you first

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Someone drinking from your cup instead of filling it isn’t someone you should feel bad for cutting out of your life. It’s not selfish, it’s survival. I’m sure you do care for her, but she needs to also respect you and not just unload on you at her convenience. Boundaries are important. I’m a total softie, and my self worth often comes from those types of people and listening to them, but sometimes the best thing to do is establish limits so they develop the necessary skills to better their life.

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Hey @all_around_ashley, it’s really sweet and kind of you to want to be a friend and listening ear to this person. But from reading here what’s been going on on and nothing else, it sounds like you’re giving to this and getting nothing in return, which isn’t always the worst thing but in this case this person isn’t really respecting your time and I think you need to set your boundaries here. The reality is we may be able to help some people, but we’re not going to solve everyone’s problems and we need to set boundaries for ourselves for our own safety and sanity, and we need to let others learn how to get along on their own sometimes to build themselves up. You’re a good friend, don’t get discouraged. Hold fast friend.

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I agree with what @adam_actual said. There are times where we won’t be able to help someone and when we have to step away for our own mental health.
It’s also not that we’re giving up on someone, but realizing that they need a kind of help that we cannot give. It doesn’t mean we are selfish. There are times when we definitely have to take care of ourselves first. “Friendships are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”
I can tell that you care about this person. If something happens to them, it’s not your fault. They have to learn how to handle their own problems and to try and find positivity in their life.

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A friend should lift you up and also be there for you when you’re down and vice versa.

But this person doesn’t seem to care about your well being or sanity for that matter.
She is being selfish and taking for granted how nice of a person you are.

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@Fashionlover0191 , @Rix , @adam_actual , @TheMouseThatRoared , @shortcats :
Thanks for the lovely responce she didn’t call me in the am today but she did call me in the pm . i didnt answer and i didnt get a “call me” text. Imma take it day by day and see where it goes thank you !

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The way you’re feeling is totally valid. To be drunken from and never refilled leads to an empty cup.

Be honest with her about how you feel. Use “I feel” language and not “you do” language. Don’t vent to her about it (that’d be bad and humorously ironic lol), but instead think about what you want to say beforehand.
You don’t have to cut her out of your life and you shouldn’t have to keep doing what you’re doing either. Honest conversations can almost always patch these kinds of problems, and keeping these problems hidden not only hurts you, but is also a form of insincerity!
Those kind of conversations can be hard, awkward things but they truly help a lot! It usually helps make it less awkward if you set a specific time and place for it, like saying “I want to connect with you about something. Let’s meet at the Starbucks at 6.”

I hope some of this advice helps you. I’m definitely guilty of this as well! On both sides of the relationship! Love you, friend!

Austin

Hey Ashley,

I’m sorry you are going through this, but you can definitely walk away from this situation. These types of people can be toxic as they are very good at being that. They will do all kinds of things to make it seem we are the bad ones because they do not want to admit it that they are the problems. They deflect their problems onto others and it sucks. Do your best to walk away from this situation & save yourself the trouble from these types of people. I know I am. You can do it!

Hi there,
I’m sorry that you are feeling like but, I understand it.

I had a similar situation where I had this where I met a friend on my last year in an Adult School.
We both followed each other on Instagram (Since, it was the only Social Media that they had)
and Discord for gaming.

They were not feeling great from depressed, loneliness and problem in their lives where they opened up to talk about it to me. I opened up also talking with them too like helping each other.
Since than…I spend time talking with them and gaming too.

I’ll be honest, I sense that it was a rushed friendship, I do not know them close enough.
Apart, we have almost same interests like drawing but…That’s pretty much it.

It was doing great our friendship, during school (Since, seeing each other in person) but, when school was over, later on…I start to feel a mix feeling about it. There’s has been a lot of warnings telling me to be cautious, base on the way their were texting or they send things that were very uncomfortable.

Like in your situation, the person started to call me every time by texting or calling on Discord.
It was mostly for playing a specific video game but, it felt less fun because, it was more focus on winning and other stuff.

It started to feel forced too, where they keep calling my name, over and over to get me to answer from both Social Media or a deal in order to play a game together.
I end up set my settings on “Ghost” mode or offline.

Sometimes, there were some texts that were negative that…started to affected me.
It is where I try to send positive or advice in our conversations but…Eventually, it was too much where it drains my energy.

As much as, I want to help them not leaving them behind fighting their own inner-demons where I have faced my own too.
Sometimes, you can’t help people if they don’t help themselves.
It is good to seek help from others but…They need to learn help themselves too.

In the end, they removed me from Social Media without knowing.
Probably, the reason is because, 3 months that we didn’t talked…

I want say that…
It is not pointless writing this, at all.
It is not selfish either, It is okay to say:“No” or having time on your own.
I felt that too when I decide to say: “No” if they want to play a game together or I didn’t reply back their messages back.

It’s okay to have time for yourself, like you motioned, you can’t be 24/7 be there for this person.
It’s good to help a person but, there’s a limit and very important to take care yourself first before others.

Take care, sending hugs
-LostWings

Hey @all_around_ashley,

your post isnt selfish. You can help another person as long as you dont suffer because of it. You have to put your self first to not get pulled down.

I wanna share one example of me: at work a colleague of mine is mostly a negative person. If i would let his negativity affect me i would have been down for so often. I know it is not the same size as your struggle but it is an example, why you have to take care of your self and not get pulled down by toxic persons.

Greetings from Germany and feel free to leave a message if you want to talk.

@sebo_heretohelp thanks for responding i very much apprieciate it . i sent her a text how ive felt about this hole issue which i messaged in another forum ( I dont want to give in anymore ) . we kinda have talked today since friday/saturday. hope all is well with you