Hello 
These last couple months have been absolutely terrible for me, can’t tell if it’s teenage angst or my depression or just everything. I feel as if I have no where to go anymore so I decided to hop on here, this is my first time using this website and I hope I get something out of it. Today, I’m just rambling about whatever. Please don’t mind any grammar or spelling mistakes, I’m absolutely tired right now and just looking for someone to listen to me.
Within the last year, I have recovered from an eating disorder. However as time passed, I started diving into more things and now I feel as if I’m spiraling down into a deeper pit that I was before. Every year I say my depression is just seasonal, but it doesn’t help when I feel the same every single month during every single week and each individual day with every single season and holiday. Nothing changes, but why? I’ve tried to get out of it so many times, but I end up just falling back right to square one. It hurts, and it’s just mentally draining. I’ve fallen into addiction and though I’m currently a month sober, I feel as if it’s for the wrong purpose. I’m going to relapse any minute now it’s going to feel so good in the moment but fuck am I going to regret it soon after. The last math test I took high, yet that day nobody noticed I was high. I’m naturally loud, extroverted, and very social, I’m not sure if I changed much while I was high because nobody noticed. I wish people noticed, not saying that to seek attention or anything, I just wish somebody knew so they could give me a reality check and smack some sense into my dumb brain.
My grades are dropping as well, not too much but slightly. I used to be a really good student, I’m even in student council and leadership, but now I barely have any motivation to do more than the bare minimum. I know I could do more because I’ve done more in the past, but it pains me so much to get out of bed when I don’t need to. All I do these days that’s remotely school related is read and write. It’s a good hobby I guess, but when I do it I feel like a fraud. All that I read and write isn’t anything good I think. More so recreational, but everything I read seems to make my mental state much more worse than before lmao. I think I’m stupid, like actually stupid. The only thing I’m good at is English, history, and music because that’s what I thrive in, everything else I’m a complete dunce. I don’t like being stupid, one of my friends(Idk if I should consider her that lmao) keeps affirming the fact that I am a dumbass. Even though I’m technically smart in my own ways, I can’t help but think that’s true.
Volleyball is a pain, I hate my teammates. The girls that I play with are unbearable and I’m sure one of them hates me even though we’ve know each other for nearly ten years(The same girl who calls me a dumbass 
). I don’t know what I did for her to not like me anymore, maybe I did so something wrong but I feel like I’m completely left in the dark. I am the youngest girl on my team by a mere couple of months, is that the reason why I’m left out sometimes? I feel invisible there. My coach seems to have a personal vendetta against me while I barely get acknowledged, and it both mentally and physically pains me. The court is more like a workspace that I barely get paid in than a game that I enjoy playing in. I clock in and out of practice each week just for me to not even get put on that court. That’s full of shit, no? After playing for six almost seven years it’s embarrassing for me. I don’t want to play this stupid sport anymore, I’m sick and tired already.
I’ve lost all motivation. I can’t barely pick up my guitars or even walk to the piano and play something small. I’m tired of everyone and everything, or maybe everyone and is tired of me. I feel like I’m always a problem or a burden, like maybe it would be nicer or a weight lifted off a bunch of people’s shoulders if I wasn’t here to bother so much. I know one of my “friends” really does not enjoy my presence, what if there more? Or maybe even all of them? Am I insecure? I dunno, I think I’m overthinking this. I’m so tired. I want to sleep and never wake up. School is tiring, extra curriculars are tiring, people, friends, and everyone is just tiring. I want to be alone but I need to be with people to function. At the end of the day, I’m just a clingy extrovert. And it sucks. I love being alone but hate it at the same time, and I love being with people but hate it at the same time. Why is this so confusing?
I have contemplated of taking my life already, and I’m scared if I ever get to that point. I don’t want to fucking die, not yet, that’s so stupid if I die. I don’t have a valid nor proper reason to even kms, not to be conceited but I’m “popular” to an extent at school, I have a lot of friends and connections, a boyfriend, a sister, a brother, two parents, cousins both baby and big, and probably more people that can’t even cross my mind yet. “Why die? Why give it all away?” Is something I ask myself often when I seem to have everything going for me. The truth is I don’t and I just want everything to stop. I’ve been in a constant state of mental anguish and fighting this battle with myself and the urge to harm myself again. It’s cruel, what I’ve experienced is cruel. I don’t want to be like this. I wish I was happier, I don’t know how it got to this point and that’s nothing but terrifying.
If you read all of that, thank you. You must be angel 
I’m just so lost right now and I’m glad you just came to listen to my thoughts 
I appreciate you and stay safe
