I have never been mentally healthy. Always depressed, always feeling like I am less of a person then everyone else. Anyway, I was in a relationship last year and it turns out that I got used, yet again. It doesn’t take the pain away though. I really loved her. Hell I still do. After everything I had gone through in my life I finally broke enough to think real seriously about suicide. I ended up telling a friend and got some help. But I only decided not to in fear of hurting my family. I still think about it nearly every day. I can not put into words just how much I have grown to dislike every breath I take. I still have a huge hole that she couldn’t feel. I understand that nobody can feel that hole. I just don’t know how to fix me. If I am honest I don’t know if someone this mentally weak is worth fixing at all. I press on for other people. Not for myself. I think that is a problem.
I want to first welcome you to the community. You definitely came to the right place for support. I joined a few years back and every since the support from this community helps me keep going. I know the feeling you are experiencing. The feeling of being too mentally broken to be fixed. The hanging in there for others and not yourself. And to be honest dear, yes, that is the problem. You need to find the strength to hang in there for yourself. Even if it’s taking a small victory from each day and building up a trophy for yourself. You may feel too broken now, but you are not. The fact that you came here and posted shows how strong you are. Boom! There is today’s little victory. I know how hard it all can be and how much the pain blurs your vision, but you are worth saving and not for others, but for yourself. Heartbreak is always going to happen and I had to find that out the hard way, but I also learned how to cope. Sometimes in good ways and sometimes in bad ways, but you learn to cope. Whether it’s that good ugly cry in the shower to the world’s most sappy inspirational song or taking a day to treat yourself to dinner or a night out. You will make it through because it’s not about being fixed, it’s about finding and accepting you.
Hold Fast, Stay Strong
It actually takes a lot of strength to come here and share about how you feel. You allowed yourself to share your heart and what’s going on in your mind. It may not feel like this right now, but that is far from being weak. It’s actually a first step, a needed one, as it can allow you to break this feeling of loneliness. Sure, no one is in your shoes and no one can pretend to understand 100% what you are going through. Our stories are all different. But there are people in this community who felt or feel like you do right now. I understand the feelings you describe as well. This hole that seems to suck all the life out of you, the thought that you are staying alive just so you don’t hurt your loved ones. That’s really painful, and all of this makes sense friend. It doesn’t make you weak, broken, doomed, worthless or helpless. You’re struggling, and it’s absolutely okay to say it. Actually, it’s important to say it, to break this isolation that the pain and suicidal thoughts can create. You are not alone.
I hear the pain that this breakup created. And… you’ll need time, friend. Your heart needs time. Losing someone you love, feeling like you were betrayed and used, those are ingredients to feel, as you said, like you’re less of a person. It is a loss in your life. You are grieving. But this grief doesn’t have to be turned against yourself.
I don’t know the details of your relationship and what happened between you two, but I’m so sorry it did. Because I see you right now and you don’t deserve to feel this turmoil of emotions and negative thoughts about yourself. The pain is here, it is very real, but you are not your pain and it doesn’t define you. There is more to see and experience in this life. New ways to love and to be loved as well. This breakup didn’t make you worthless. It didn’t mark the end of your life either, even if it feels like the end of your world.
Indeed, pressing for others and not yourself is not a good solution in the long run. It is good that, somehow, it gives you something to hold on right now. But it doesn’t have to replace the possibility to do what’s needed to be helped during this difficult season of your life. The love you have for your loved ones is like a crutch that helps to keep moving on. But at the same time, you’ll need to learn to give this love to yourself too, to seek what makes you feel alive and at peace in this life. your life didn’t stop. You are alive, breathing, you still have an inner life with emotions, desires, dreams that deserve to be heard and expressed.
You don’t have to be “fixed”, friend. It’s okay to hurt. That doesn’t mean there would be something wrong with you. There is actually a need for healing, peace, support. You initiated that by talking to your friend, which is truly awesome. From now, if you feel stuck with your thoughts and if you don’t know what to do, then it could be worth to consider seeing a therapist or a counselor. It doesn’t mean you’d be crazy, weak or too broken. Only that help is needed, and there are professionals out there who can provide you a safe space where you can share your heart without any filter, but at the same time to help you find some clarity through all of it. When there’s an obstacle, when we fall or feel stuck, it’s okay to reach out and ask for help. You have your friends, your family, you have us here in this community. We are with you, no matter how many steps you’ll need to take to feel like getting back on your feet. Don’t give up on yourself, friend. You have the right to live and exist despite what happened to you before. You are so, so much more.
Sending hugs to you.
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