I am new to this and I’ve stayed silent for some time now. I realize we all are going through a lot and I wish everyone all the best as we help each other out.
To begin I am married for almost two years now. Just this passed year I found out my wife was talking to other guys and with one of the guys she was sending explicit pictures of her self. When I found out i felt betrayed. I work hard for my family. During this time period I was working full time, going to graduate school full time, and taking care of my step son who has down’s syndrome. When I comforted my wife about this all I got was a mouth full of lies. I don’t know how to explain this but rage and anger took over me followed by depression, resentment, and mental torment. I was told I wasn’t there for her physically and emotionally. I explained yes I was very busy working 40+ hours a week and managing my time for school and hospital clinical was necessary for my studies. My time was very limited, wasn’t meant to ignore her but I didn’t have the luxury to spend all my time with her. I still don’t find it acceptable for her to go behind my back and do the things she did. She claims it was innocent, nothing sexual occurred it was all talk and just pictures, but in my eyes we made vows when we got married. I’ve made so much sacrifices and i feel like my efforts were just not good enough. As time has gone by I find myself having days or even periods of resentment, depression, anxiety. It’s almost like a roller coaster of emotions. We still are married but there is a change in the marriage, a change in how we see each other. I find it extremely hard to forgive her and to put the pasted behind us. My lack of trust in her continues to fog my view of her. I constantly feel like she is lying to me and I also seem to play detective. I don’t know where to turn or what to do at this point. Lately my depression has increased with various situational stressors and I feel more lost then ever. I keep pushing forward but it seems like I can’t get ahead.
I really don’t want to bring my close friends into my personal problems, so I am here today to reach out and find that I no longer want to remain silent. I want to heal mentally. At the same time, I feel ashamed and weak because of this. I’ve tried ways various ways to cope with prayer, exercise, and relaxation but underneath it all nothing fully helps.
Hello. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the community. I’m glad you made the decision to share your struggles. I’m sorry what your wife has done. She failed to communicate with you. I’m not married, but keeping secrets behind someone’s back is wrong. Have you thought about marriage counseling?
We are going through marriage counseling; however, with our busy schedules getting time away from work and everything has been a great challenge. In the mean time I am working on forgiving and trying not to think so much into it. It’s been such a challenge for me, but I feel with time it should improve. I just need to know we are on the same page and this won’t happen again. I know that’s hard to tell and no one can answer that question. Building the foundation is going to take time and requires the both of us to make it happen. After all this I hope it will get better, if things don’t improve it maybe in our best interest to part our ways. Only time will tell I suppose. Thanks for the response.
I have been in this position and I will speak to my situation which is not yours. You are two different people than my ex wife and myself so it could be a totally different scenario.
I personally feel if you want your marriage to succeed you find a marriage counselor that suits your guys lifestyle asap. I am not saying you are not strong enough to make this all go away with as you said prayer, exercise, relaxation etc. but this is something that will eat you alive. Every moment you wake, every time you see your wifes phone, each text she gets that she smiles too much at…there is no trust there. Without trust there can be no love, it is just control. Counseling will help a lot with that, it also may uncover a lot more truths to what happened or your relationship than the both of you were even aware of.
All I am saying is if you want this marriage to last or at least try to pick up the pieces you all must seek help from a MFT or a pastor you trust with counseling background etc. This will get harder before it gets easier and I hate to tell you that but its the truth. You will be in my prayers brother and I pray whatever happens its for the best.
As you stated and described this is all very true. Every time I see her on her phone that’s all I think about. Sadly, it’s hard move forward. I realize the counseling we are getting isn’t working because we have needed to cancel appts because of our busy schedules. We haven’t had the time to work on us this is going on for over 8 months now. During this time we have seen a counselor only 3 times…kinda tells you a lot about where things are going I suppose. I will keep on working at it to get us through it but it takes two people to make it happen. Thanks for advise and your wishes.
Not a problem. It does take two to get through this, if both parties aren’t willing to comment to resolving this then it may have already ran its course. Something that may help (may not be much but at least a little) you control you. You can’t do anything other than what you can do. You can’t control or change another person that has to be their choice. You can control and change how you choose to think and what you choose to do. Can you love through distrust and pain? Or is it all becoming too much? I know this pain and its something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
I am still in love with my ex wife after 3 years of divorce and I would do it all over again and try to fix the mistakes but I can’t. I really do pray for strength in whatever you choose to do, if you need anything feel free to reach out. I am hoping for a miracle.