Why why?
Brain wants to follow the path of least resistance.
It wants to take the shortcut to self-medication.
Instead of ME being in the drivers seat.
It wants to drive for me, craving the things I want to avoid.
Low dopamine levels strike me, the brain doesn’t know how or why.
So it seeks what worked in the past, the beaten path.
Despite knowing bad coping mechanisms haven’t gotten me anywhere.
When will it learn?
Why are there 2 different “drivers” within me?
The other driver hides from me, it remains cloaked in the subconscious.
Urging me to make choices that my conscious self wants to avoid.
How long will my conscious self remain ignorant and confused about the cloaked subconscious?
There are psychologists who specialize in “uncovering” the subconscious “gears” that turn.
The machinery that makes the system function in unknown ways for unknown reasons.
Unknown! Unknown! Unknown!
Hiding from me, I just want to take the drivers seat once and for all, my conscious self that knows what’s best for me. My subconscious is stuck repeating and seeking the same ways that have failed in the past. Is it a dumb idiot that doesn’t learn?
I wanna grab it by the scruff of the neck and shake it and tell it who’s boss.
Take my power back. And shine the light on this broken animal that steers me wrong.
I press the gas around here, I decide what’s good, autopilot is broken. I have to stay awake.
To train this beast to work for me, instead of against me.
Cheap thrills, quick dopamine rushes, lusting…somehow urging me that sexual obsession and hunting the desire of eyes is the needed medication.
I know it’s not. But somehow the beast still believes that’s a valid cure. A worthwhile pursuit? Really?
NO. It’s an empty illusion, a mirage in the desert. Paths that cause pain and hurt, not cure and healing.
So just stop.
Why is it so hard to just feel content with what I have, and stop seeking the next fix?
Generations of addicts in my bloodline.
Generations of lust and self-medication.
Generations of substance abusers.
I must break free, choose my best self. Choose health. And tie a firm leash on this inner beast and train it, heal it, tame it.