Hi, this is my first time ever actually using a platform of any sort to talk about my issues. I’m 16 turning 17, and I’ve been attending therapy since I was 7 years old. I feel that I can’t openly discuss any of my real feelings with my therapist or family, I don’t want to be hospitalized again. (My mom always threatens to hospitalize me when I bring up my depression) This is going to be a semi trauma dump or vent in a sort, since there’s things that have really affected my life that I’ve never spoken to my mom or my therapist about. (I’m not currently on meds or in therapy, I want to go back on meds though)
I grew up in a very broken and toxic household. My father was always drunk or on drugs, and my mom had to pickup the slack for him since he was a deadbeat. He would never financially invest into our family, and no they weren’t married. I was born a year into their relationship and I was unplanned and unwanted. My mom was there, but never emotionally, I know she hates me unfortunately. My father would take money from my piggy bank to buy drugs and alcohol, my mom would catch him doing this and it would start arguments. They were always arguing. I don’t ever really remember them ever being happy. My father was abusive, verbally, mentally, and physically. Not just to me, but to my mother as well. I would watch him scream and threaten her and I would even watch him hurt her. My earliest memory of him was of him cursing at my mom while being forcibly shoved into a police car. I was around 5. My mom doesn’t know this, and the only people I’ve spoken to about this is random online friends & my uncle. My father would hit and touch me when I was little. My mom still thinks that he loved me. In a sense he did. When he was sober he would spoil me, I think it was to try and makeup for what he did. He was never able to chose us over his addictions though. After my little brother was born (hes 9 turning 10 this year, I was 7 when he was born), my mom put a restraining order on my father and took us from him, literally running. I guess she didn’t want my brother being abused and raised by him, which was a good idea. He would always violate the restraining order and he would try to contact my mother and her family, mainly sending them threats. He would showup at our home, causing us to move states several times, he would call the police on my mom, he would contact her work and ect. I loved my father and I didn’t realize what he did and what he was doing until I was 11. I guess my mom had enough of me crying that I missed him, so she had me listen to all of his disgusting voice mails. They would vary from death threat, regular threats, to him saying she ruined his life, and to him even talking about sleeping with several other women. I love my dad as my one and only father, but I hate him as a person and I wish that he was a better man. He died in 2021. Shortly after I tried to commit for the second time, and that’s also around the time that I realized my mom didn’t love me. My mom has never been there for me emotionally, even to the point where my therapist told me that she was mentally abusive. I feel like she’s a main cause for most of my stress and depression now & days. Ever since a young age she was sort of a bad parent, per say? I mean, she was a good parent in the terms of her playing both the mom & dad role while raising 2 children as a single mother, I give her that. I feel like my family praises her too much for that though, due to things she does. On my 14th birthday she called me a mistake, told me she wanted to put me in foster care, and told me she wish she never had me. In the past she’s also screamed at me or has gotten mad at me for having panic attacks, to the point where my grandfather has had to step in and forcefully remove her from the room. Another example is when I was 11, I had my first attempt. I was at school and had a panic attack, the office called her and they put me on the phone with her. She told me to stop faking it and hung up on me, I sat in the front office barely able to breathe and crying until the end of the day. They almost called an ambulance for me. I don’t know how to organize events into this paragraph, so I’m sorry if this is all messy. I’m crying while writing this. She would slam me into walls and choke me while screaming in my face, even hitting me every once and a while. & No, I’m not talking about just ‘spankings’. Before my brother was born she would lock me outside and hit me with belts and spatulas/spoons. I kind of of envy him since he’s never gotten this treatment. She’s dragged me by my wrists before, told me she wanted to beat me, and has threatened to forcefully remove my braces from my teeth with pliers. A lot of the time she treats me like a servant, even my uncle has made this observation. Every time someone tells her to do something she has me do it instead. I even partly raised my little brother. Every weekend she would disappear and leave him with me, I guess this was her break from everything. This started when I was 12. My grandmother played a big part in raising my brother and I. This is partly why I feel like people give her too much credit for this “single parent” business, since her family has helped her a lot. My aunt is like a second mother to me, my uncle being a second father figure, and my grandparents really helped to raise us. I also feel I should mention this but, no, my fathers family wasn’t involved with my brother and I. He hasn’t even met my aunt/uncle and grandparents on my fathers side. This is my mothers decision. My father did not pay child support, but she would dump my brother and I onto her family, so there’s her child support, I guess? Anyways, I’ve tried to talk to her about how I feel, she always shoots me down though. She invalidates my feelings a lot and puts words in my mouth and assumes things, as well as sharing my business with EVERYONE. She likes to tell me about her childhood and how bad it was (I’ve spoken to my grandparents, aunt, and even my great aunt. They all refute everything she’s told me, so I don’t know what to believe.) She also likes to tell me that there’s people with worse problems so that means mine don’t matter.
This is also another topic which sort of relates to her. Back in December I almost committed again. I got into trouble, the first actual trouble I’ve ever been in. You see, there was a boy I dated. He touched me without my consent. (Instantly dumped him) I told my mom and she didn’t care, brushed it off and simply told me, ‘Don’t talk to him again.’ (I feel like she didn’t realize how much this affected me since she was unaware of what my dad did to me.) I wanted to go to my school about this but this has never happened to me before so I didn’t know what to do. Instead I turned to my friends and social media. I exposed him on my Instagram story, causing more people to text me saying he was harassing them. One of which being a 14 year old girl (she JUST turned 14.) She sent me several DISGUSTING screenshots of him saying very disturbing sexual stuff. All of this was while she was under the influence of drugs or alcohol (yes, she does all this stuff) and he openly admitted that he only texted her during these times because he wanted her to forget. I was angry so I posted the screenshots and called him a pedophile. (I’m aware I misused this term.) This caused several people to call him out and he lost friends. He texted me and asked me to remove the post, even threatening to harass me in the halls if I didn’t take it down. This is relevant because my situation all started with a friend texting me a video of him leaving class after being called out. This brought up a conversation of me laughing at him, saying it was deserved. This ended up in me sending a SCREENSHOT of my ex sending me an unsolicited pic to this friend. (Only person I shared it to, I’m aware that I was severely wrong for this.) This friend sent the screenshot to their group chat and the screenshot was shared to half of the school within a week somehow, and no, I was completely unaware of this. At the end, I was almost put onto a sex offenders and list and practically expelled for defamation and cyberbullying. (I wasn’t put on one luckily since his face wasn’t in picture and they couldn’t link it to him) This happened right before Christmas and I was grounded throughout Christmas. This is understandable of course, but my moms behavior was uncalled for? At the time I got a tattoo at school, I WAS COMPLETELY UNAWARE IT WAS A TATTOO. She did it in the middle of art class in front of the teacher, it looked like a marker but she was pressing down really hard. This caused my mom to call me white trash, a loser, and trailer park trash (I’m half white half Asian, my mom is the Asian one) While I was isolated during Christmas and being shamed by mom I self harmed heavily and I almost took my own life. I was staying with my Uncle at the time so my mom took me back with her and I continued to self harm, no she did NOT care. She would scream at me not to get blood on her stuff. She would talk about me to her friends (I don’t know them) on the phone sharing all my personal information about my situation, I didn’t like this at all. She’s always been like this though, growing up she would record me crying and laugh at me, then send it to her friends and tell me the nasty things they said about me. I started an online school program, I was behind but I was finally catching up before this incident. I was unable to access something one night, this started an argument, I cried about how stressed and depressed I felt, she told me other people have worse life’s and brought up an experience she had with her mom, completely under minding my feelings. This ended up in her basically disowning me, saying I’m getting the bare minimum from her, that she’s done caring for me, and that when I’m 18 I’m out of her house. A week later she flew me out to stay with my grandparents, I’m still with them now but I’m moving back with my mom in a month. She does travel jobs so she took a job here to be near my brother and I (he’s also with grandparents) I’ve been struggling mentally with stress and depression, so it’s hard for me to do school work. I severely lack motivation. She got mad, told me I was a ‘fucking loser’ and ‘white trash’ and that she doesn’t want to support a loser, she said that I’m out on the streets when I’m 18. Told me I could sell my body then if I needed money since I wouldn’t be able to get a job without an education. So I’m moving in with my great aunt as soon as I turn 18. Recently I’ve been unable to sleep well, it’s strange. I can stay up nights on end feeling energized but then the lack of sleep hits up with me and I hibernate. I’ve been very mentally fragile and sensitive, I have severe mood changes and I have phases of intense depression. This is all new.
Uh, there’s more I could vent about including relationships, but this is already long enough. Thanks to whoever reads this, and I will happily take any advice on what to do with my life.