Mindful Self-Compassion: could use some advice

[nyntje]

Hai, so for a while I’ve been working through a workbook that one of my therapists had given This Workbook is about Mindful Self-Compassion and the chapter I’m on is about “Backdraft” which is a feeling I think many of us can recognise. The feeling of “but I’m doing the things I’m supposed to, why am I not feeling better rn”.
One of the things that they are stating is that we are probably already taking good care of ourselves (otherwise we wouldn’t have come this far), but maybe we can add some things to it, to make us feel more grounded and supported, and then an exercise is given. The exercise is to write the things down that you already do to be compassionate to yourself, and what you can add to it. They give 5 different categories you can be compassionate in: Physically (to soften the body), Mentally (to reduce agitation), Emotionally (to soothe and comfort yourself), Relationally (to connect with others), and Spiritually (to commit to your values).
For myself, I have written down what I already do for all of these, but it’s harder to find out what I want to add to them because I can’t think of them. So far, these are the things I’ve written down for the different categories. These are things that I do when I’m starting to get anxious or already am anxious, but not in immediate danger.

Physically
Taking a shower, going on walks, drinking a cup of tea, lay in bed and hug a pillow. I also have started to exercise, but that is not enough of a habit yet to add to this category. Do want to try out yoga though.

Mentally
Watch a movie while I’m crocheting, drawing with music on. (usually just listening to music doesn’t work for me, I have to do something at the same time or be able to focus on something)

Emotionally
Talking with others, whether that is here or in dms or irl. I want to try journalling though.

Relationally
Sharing videos with friends, sending people birthday messages when it’s their birthday, make gifts/drawings for people I care about.

Spiritually
Walking in nature, telling people that they matter and that they are loved.
I’m not extremely religious, so God doesn’t have a huge part in my life. Praying also doesn’t help for me, I have tried. So when it comes to literal spirituality, that’s not helpful for me.

These are the things that I already do, and I also have written down some things that I want to try. But especially when it comes the last 3 categories (Emotionally, Relationally, and Spiritually), I could use some suggestions of things I can add or at least try out.
Thank you for reading.

[Mamadien]

@nyntje this sounds like a great exercise for all of us to do. This is such a great way to be more mindful of how we care for ourselves and to improve our health in all five areas. Thank you for sharing this with us. You are encouraging me to be more mindful of my self care when life gets to be too much.

I love what you do already in each category. So may I give you thoughts on each category?

Physically
I love the exercise and try yoga!!!

Mentally
I know that you are an amazing crochet artiste. I’ve seen your work. So how can you take your craft deeper - learn new techniques perhaps or try new yarn styles? Just my first thought. What do you think?

Emotionally
Journalling is a great outlet for feelings -I love this as new add for you

Relationally
You share and give love to so many. So do you ever make the time to sit with or voice/video chat with your close friends? Do you ever meet up for coffee with a friend? Face to face and voice to voice can be really special with good friends.

Spiritually
What if you took some time to think about God as being relational rather than religious? I love the walks in nature. What if when you walk, you perhaps talked to God more conversationally? Something where you just tell God what is on your mind. It would be like verbal journalling on your walk. Free flow conversation. Does that even make sense? If not, totally disregard this idea. It’s just what I do when I go walk in nature.

I love this and again, thank you for sharing because now I’m going to be more mindful of what I am doing for self care and doing it better.

[Kayleigh.xo]

Look how amazing you’re doing! The fact that you already have so many things you’re doing is awesome.

There will be things you’ve not even thought of. Like under physical can even be getting up and cleaning the bathroom or wiping down the kitchen etc. It’s also a good, although VERY difficult, to try and do when you’re feeling down.

With relationships and emotional you can also put twitch down too. What are you wanting to add to these? Are you wanting stronger relationships and build connection? Could you add in a call with a friend once a week?

When the wreck this journal arrives, if you get into it, you’ll find it helpful in all of these areas (minus spiritual) so hopefully you can add that in a few weeks!

Honestly you’re already doing a lot, I think instead of thinking what you can add right now, you should take a step back and give yourself a pat on the back for what you’re already doing!

[Kayleigh.xo]

I don’t believe in God at all, but spiritually doesn’t have to be religious. It can just be knowing your own beliefs and connecting with that. Wether that’s being outside and connecting with nature, wether it’s meditating, doing full body check ins you can spiritually connect with your self, not just with God wether you are religious or not

[Sita]

Emotionally (to soothe and comfort yourself)

• maybe combined with journal, write down different emotions, especially positive ones, and re-create the setting.
  it’s hard sometimes to think of the good when we’re struggling, so maybe choose one or two emotions and write about what happened, who was involved, what things you did, and how you felt (i’m thinking that you can use this in harder moments to remind yourself of what was real, what happened, the good things you felt and can feel again)

Relationally (to connect with others)

• it isn’t something i think we naturally do, but maybe think of what our expectations of others are, those we love, those who make us feel happy and joyous, and what are the things in that relationship that help us feel this way. Are they reliable to call for help, or validate you when you need a friendly voice, they cook really well and inspire you with their creativity etc)

Spiritually (to commit to your values).

• i like that this is about your values, which don’t have to be associated with religion at all.
• walking in nature is GREAT. maybe looking at the natural world, plants, animals, water bodies, the land, and see what lessons they could be representing. (Water flowing through dirty spots, and clean spots, stronger currents and sometimes shallow puddles could all represent the strength of our emotions for example). It doesn’t have to make logical sense but it’s a bit of whimsical thinking almost. (The butterfly makes me feel happy when I see how free it is, and how pretty the sun looks on its wings)

I am of the firm view that if you sit in nature, esp water, long enough that you can unlock most of the secrets of the world, so i’m super excited to see how this all goes for you
it’s a lovely way to structure things, and I’m so proud of you for doing it, and also reaching out for more brainstorming. Keep being awesome <3

[NateTriesAgain]

TBH when thinking about change in my own life, I don’t usually think about “specifics” I think about “blocks of time” - for instance, when I was trying to implement journaling about my family, I had to ask myself: when is it in my day I’m going to devote to an intentional change of behavior. I decided on - after my kids go down, before I go to sleep.

The second thing that’s been ultra helpful is to focus on rhythm / momentum instead of completion/perfection. This is helpful to think of the “lower limit” of the habit.

For instnace, some days I journal about my family for an hour and it’s wonderful and fruitful. Other days, I am totally toast. But if I skip those days, I lose momentum on the habit. So I set a “lower limit” which says “I will write at least 1 bullet point about at least 1 person in my family every day” ← that way, I don’t skip the habit even on my most crazy days.

When I have been in seasons where self-help stuff says “add more to your life to take care of yourself” and I add a ton to my list, I can get overwhelmed and fall out of habit with those things a few weeks after starting with strong intentions (and I tend to be a very disciplined person).

For me, this view on change as being about “What time am I going to devote to this?” and then “What’s the least I can do to maintain momentum on busy days?” ← these two questions are vital for me forming habits.

[nyntje]

Interesting approach, I personally thought of this exercise as something to broaden someone’s safety plan. I know that for me, I sometimes need different things when I’m starting to get anxious or on a path of wanting to self harm again. Sometimes just drawing with music on helps me to calm down, and sometimes I need something different. This splitting things into different categories, made me think that sometimes I need to have a more physical approach, or relational. I just don’t know how to get those relational approaches when I’m already spiralling… same with the other 2 categories. That’s actually why I asked for input here… sorry if I come off as rude or anything…

[dr_hogarth]

Hi Nyntje,

I’m sorry it took me so long to read this. It’s been on my list for ages, but my time management hasn’t been fantastic recently.

I think this sounds like a fantastic way to structure your well-being and I’m proud of you for taking so much time and thought to work out what works for you and how you can improve on it.

I think trying yoga is a fantastic idea. Do you think you would go to a class or practice at home? I’ve seen some classes that meet outside when the weather is right, which I always think looks really tranquil.

You are, as others have said, incredibly talented at crochet. I love how much you’ve tried to expand your skill as well with the new techniques you found in your book. I also am lucky enough to have one of your paintings as well! I don’t know if you find this, but I find that I can do activities for too long and get a bit overtired, so limiting activity time is important or having a few different activities can work as well.

Receiving your messages always makes me smile. Would you ever consider joining an irl group, like a yoga class or even a crochet group (if they exist!)? If that doesn’t feel right, I totally understand.

Spirituality is a hard one, because it’s so personal. For me, my sense of spirituality comes from my sense of purpose; I like to have direction towards an ultimate aim in life. Finding something that really matters to you can help with giving you identity and connection to the world. I think a lot of spirituality or faith is about people wanting to understand what their place is in the Universe; questions like “why are they here?” or “what are they meant to do?”. Finding my direction, my niche, has helped me in a lot of ways and I consider that my belief system; that I have a role in this world, even if that role has just been assigned by myself.

I hope that helps a little. I am genuinely proud of you my friend. Life is hard for you so often, and you always keep fighting with the grace and kindness that is at the heart of who you are. That’s one final thing that I would add to your “Emotionally” category, to be proud of yourself. Not only of your amazing crochet and art creations, but of the little things; that you got out of bed even though you were in a bad place, that you got yourself something to eat even though you didn’t want to. Those are triumphs every day and they deserve to be celebrated. It’s important to reflect on achievements, especially when you have a mind that fixates on things it perceives as negative.

All my love to you my friend x

[Micro]

Apologies for being late as well since you sent your post my way. Reading it all through, here are some personal additions/suggestions:

Spiritually

It seems that, based on the definition you provided, it doesn’t have to be spiritual in the sense of religiosity/faith. I fully resonate with @dr_hogarth about purpose and meaning being somehow tied to spirituality. To me it can be very connected to the values I hold and trying to live according to them, as it allows you to reconnect with yourself in ways that feel meaningful. There’s a lot of things we can constantly work on to feel like in our life we are more aligned with what feels right to us.

Another thing in this category could be about how you honor/connect with the people you love but are not here anymore. Personal practices in your life that help you feel connected with people who are gone.

Relationally

• Getting involved in a club/local or online group of something you enjoy. You love reading, maybe a reading club could be something to look for? If it’s online, reddit is a great place to find nice interest-based groups.
• Going to local events that facilitate meeting with new people.
• Sharing an activity with someone - movie watch, playing a game, etc.

Emotionally

Personally, anything that my inner child would appreciate fits into this category to me. Could it be doing an activity I like and soothes me, reading a comfort book, re-watching my favorite TV show, drinking a hot chocolate or a fancy boba, coloring, wearing my favorite/comfy shirt, playing a game… anything gentle that feels healing.

Mentally

• Singing? Online karaoke?
• Dancing just as you want on your favorite music can really help feel more calm/peaceful afterwards. You channel the energy or stress into something that exorcises it through movement, and you can allow yourself to stop caring and be present for a bit. Sounds like a paradox at first, but it really helps!
• Puzzles - lol I just re-discovered this recently and this is a serious suggestion. It’s magic for the mind. If budget is an issue, it’s worth to look at local libraries - they often have a toy library where you can rent puzzles (or other games) from.
• Walking/getting some fresh air, even if you don’t want to. Making sure that you don’t spend X days without getting outside - for you, and not for groceries or something stressful. I personally feel like pushing through ~45min of gentle walk outside helps clear my mind and ease the stress/agitation. The more stressed you are, the less you’re likely to want to do it though - so it’s important to not listen to just the stressors/anxiety at the moment.
• Cleaning. Just another way for me to channel stress at times. And it gives some satisfaction at the end of the day.

Physically

• Brushing my hair and really taking time for it instead of rushing it. Or trying out a new haircut.
• Using a face or hand cream with a nice/gentle scent. Taking the time to really pamper myself.
• Keeping the bedroom a welcoming place to sleep.
• Naps - not pushing through the tiredness if my body is giving all the signs of tiredness.
• Wearing clothes you enjoy and are comfortable - not forcing yourself to wear something you don’t like.
• Using fitness dumbbells - I like using a 1.5kg directly from my sofa lol. Helps to keep the wrists joint pain at bay.
• Making sure to take medications as needed and when it’s needed.
• Hydrating regularly.
• Simple stretches - 10 minutes to stretch my legs/arms for flexibility.

[nyntje]

“Spirituality is a hard one, because it’s so personal. For me, my sense of spirituality comes from my sense of purpose; I like to have direction towards an ultimate aim in life. Finding something that really matters to you can help with giving you identity and connection to the world”

How did you find your purpose if I may ask? Because for me it’s been harder and harder to find it… let alone write it down. There are things that will make me smile, but that doesn’t mean that it is giving me the drive to move forward tbh…
Sorry if I come off as rude

[dr_hogarth]

That doesn’t sound rude at all!

I’ve had a few purposes in my life. At first, it was to be the next da Vinci (don’t laugh), then I became disillusioned with that as I got older and realised Physics was really hard and maybe not the thing I even loved. That purpose changed when I came back from university and there were all these climate protests going on in London. It triggered me to do a lot of reading about the climate crisis and I knew that now I was a scientist, that I could help validate protestors by showing scientists support their actions.

I think underlying all my feelings of purpose though is a desire to communicate to the world and be remembered for making an impact. That is a consistent factor and I think I’ve always had that. Some of that may come from just personal ambition or even just a desire to be heard or appreciated. I guess it’s how you choose to interpret those innate desires.

I’m not sure if that helps, as I think purpose is something everyone experiences differently.

[EvilGenius]

Hi there, @nyntje ! I want to commend you for the proactive approach you’re taking with your Mindful Self-Compassion workbook. It’s evident that you’re putting in a lot of effort to support yourself, and that’s truly admirable.

I have a few further suggestions which you could use within the last 3 categories that you mention. These are:

Emotionally:

1. Journaling can be a fantastic addition. It’s a great way to express your thoughts and feelings, gain insights, and track your emotional journey over time.
2. Mindfulness meditation could help you tune into your emotions and create a sense of emotional balance.
3. Exploring creative outlets like poetry, writing short stories, or painting can provide a unique emotional release.

Relationally:

1. Participating in support groups or online communities where you can connect with people who share similar experiences and feelings.
2. Engaging in volunteer work can foster a sense of connection while giving back to others.
   3.Hosting or attending virtual game nights or movie nights with friends and loved ones.

Spiritually (non-religious):

1. Consider practicing mindfulness in nature by taking peaceful walks or even just sitting quietly and observing the natural world around you.
2. Explore practices like gratitude journaling, where you regularly write down things you’re thankful for in life.
3. Mindful breathing exercises can be a way to connect with your inner self without a religious context.

Remember that self-compassion is a journey, and it’s perfectly fine to experiment with different activities and approaches to find what resonates most with you. Be patient with yourself as you explore these options, and don’t hesitate to reach out if you need more support or have any questions. You’re doing a fantastic job, and your commitment to your well-being is truly inspiring!