Missing them but also still angry(Rant)

Sometimes I miss my online friends. I often have dreams where they are in it. And in the dreams, I see him apologizing and us being friends again. I think deep down that’s what I wanted to happen but it ended on a sour note. I missed the good times but absolutely hated the arguments because he would intentionally say the worst stuff that he knew would hurt me. I would also feel gaslit.

I find it strange how he also calls himself an asshole and he knows that he does shitty things sometimes, but then gets mad and assumes that I see him like a villain. When in reality, I just wanted him to understand me. And to understand that I’m a sensitive person and I told him that time and time again. I’m gonna disagree with you because we are not the same. But if I stay quiet, all.of a sudden I’m the bad one and I don’t talk. Sp what do you want me to do?? If you can’t simply have a disagreement with me and talk to me with calling me a sensitive little bitch. Then what the hell can I do?

So its okay for you to have space but its not okay for me to do that? Dude, stop saying you want a friend if you’re going to treat me like an emotional bunching and someone who’s not gonna call you out. Yes im soft at times but im not gonna let you push me around. I know you’re not perfect but my god dude, im not gonna let you get away with saying that.

On top of that you have pushed my boundaries multiple times and found it funny. You decide to call me without even asking if it was okay for me to answer at the time after I specifically told you to ask me first. I don’t need 3 missed calls and saying no 3 times for you to listen. And I let you off the hook for it. I acted playfully so you won’t have to get annoyed at the fact that I was annoyed.

But I do miss when you would make me laugh on days that I was crying. Or when you would do specific acts of service(my love language), among other things.

You had potential as an individual but the way you choose to act is just not okay. I don’t want to see you fall even after what you did to me and others. I just want you to do better. I want to see you be able to communicate without being violent. I want to see you find the courage to get up and make progress in your life. To stop feeling like everyone is out to get you.

That’s all I want

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Hi, sounds like your friend was the type who beleived if you guys were friends it meant you’d do anything he said. And when you don’t do that thing he’d get pissed. You aren’t perfect but he expected you to be, which is wrong. He clearly isn’t a very emotional person, I woudlnt say you’re sensitive at all, in fact you’re normal. He’s the one that doesn’t know what it means to have a friend and seems like people are just objects to him.

The type that will get pissed if you leave them, and be completley unemotional when they leave you and see you suffering, is not human. I’d advise for your own safety to stay away from people like this. There extremely manipulative and very dangerous to themselves and others, and usually have no good future. And they are definitely the type to wrap you around their finger which makes you care about them so much and not want them to leave, sometimes even going as far to make you infatuated with them. All those good memories is either them remembering their previous humanity and acting upon it, or a tool to manipulate you to not leave. Try you best not to fall for it.

I too wish they get better, but after years of practically fucking raising my best friend, he acknowledged my love for him, he said “You have accepted all parts of me, you accept me and care for me almost more than my own fucking father.” But right after, he did something horrible. It only goes to show they only say these things to make you think they care about your love for them, and they are greatful for you. I don’t think he ever was though…

I went through my photo album a few days ago and took a trip down memory lane. I saw the times we would draw together, or when he’d string his guitar, or the times we would play hide and seek around my house and he’d almost break things. The times we’d wrestle the shit out of eahcother. Some of the memories really are good, the nostalgia is addictive. But the thing is, behind all these memories there was always something negative about it. Like how he was too violent and it’d hurt and he’s draw blood by stabbing me with shit, and when I attacked him he’d bitch and complain. Or how when we’d play hide in seek I was incapable of the high energy and I’d try my best to be as loud but I just truly wasn’t comfortable around him, even if i wanted to spend time with him. And… when we’d hangout at his house… Just because we have these memories, doesn’t mean that they’re the real ones. Just because a memory is good doesn’t make it important, because if there are more bad memories than good, it’s sometimes dangerous to keep the good memories, because that’s what they use to manipulate you. It makes you think it can be better things can go back to the way they were, but, it’s just not true. They’re not the person you though they were. When you get close to a sociopath, eventually they trust you enough to admit it to you. Only you need to know if they’re trusting you because they think you’re stupid, or because they actually respect you. If you don’t show them their place they will take that as an opportunity to hurt you.

Now, if you really wanted to, you could be friends with them. But its alot of work kind of like hanging out with a wild animal. You need to constantly keep watch of their actions and let them know that they are not allowed to backstab or hurt you, and that they cant even if they try. But you can spend time with them. You cant teach them to be normal, but you can teach them to respect you enough to not target you in this way.

Please stay safe.

-X

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ (Discord)

Hi @Amaris when friends cross boundaries and continue to do so after you’ve confronted them about it, it’s pretty disrespectful. You can only take so much and if it were me I would sit down and think about whether or not this relationship is healthy for you or not. Just from your post, it doesn’t look like it is. I hope you find some peace. ~Mystrose

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From: Lisalovesfeathers (Discord)

Hi Friend, I Understand why you would miss your friends but the problem with dreams are you generally you only get one side and it seems like your dream is only showing you the good things and it sounds like it wasnt all good, in fact from looking at your posts a lot of it wasnt good and life is too short to be treated badly by anyone. Calling himself a bad name gives him justification to do bad things and there is no excuse for that. I am proud of you for putting your foot down, setting boundaries and not taking any nonsense from this person. Now stay strong and let them know that if they are not willing to change neither will your frienship status. Good luck with it all and good luck with finding so new buddies. Much Love Lisa. x

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From: eloquentpetrichor (Discord)

Hello again, Amaris! This relationship sounds unhealthy I’m sorry to say and if I’m reading your post correctly you seem to have realised this. I know it can be hard to end friendships that you used to love and cherish but sometimes if can be for the best and if that is where this friendship has gotten then I hope you can recognise that. I’m glad you feel comfortable ranting about this friendship and other things here. I hope that whatever you end up doing with this friendship that it ends up being the best choice for you. I wish you all the luck in the world :hrtlegolove:

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