Mixed feelings about today (tw: sh)

hi there!
so, today there’s this bonfire in my town. it’s kind of a tradition here, for easter i guess. and i love it!! it was always really fun when i was younger. but due to covid they cancelled it the last two years. i promised my friend i would go with her today. and i was really looking forward to it, but the more time passes, the more anxious i get about it. now i’m leaving in roughly two hours, to meet my friend for it. and i can’t really tell why i’m so anxious about it; is it all the people who will be there? is it the fact it’s hosted in a different location than all previous years, this time? is it both? i don’t know. i’ll still go, since i was really looking forward to this and maybe it’ll be fun, still. and if not, i can always just go home. it’s about a 10 minute walk.

but then there’s also the fact, that i really, really want to relapse again. 6 hours to go until i hit 5 months clean, but it’s getting harder and harder to resist. i’ve made it further than i could’ve ever imagined and i’m so proud of myself, but i cant help thinking “maybe this is it. maybe this is as far as i can go”
i was considering drawing on my arm again, red lines helps my urges stay at bay, but i’m afraid i won’t be able to roll up my sleeves then, which is kind of impractical when you’re near a huge fire lol
ah, i’m just a little lost right now i fear.


Hey @HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease

Can you do something distracting until you leave? You are way in your head right now and your thoughts seem out of control.

I’m so proud of you for being so close to 5 months without SH. You’ve gotten this far which proves to me that you don’t need to do it. It doesn’t help the situation and just makes it worse, I know you know this already. I just want to remind you of it.

Just keep using the coping skills that have gotten you this far.

Go enjoy your friends and activities! I hope you have a great time!


i decided to bake muffins lmao and now i have to start getting ready in a bit anyways, so i hope i won’t have much time to think about the things that make me anxious. my heart is running a marathon inside my chest still, but i can deal with that :]


Hey @HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease

How did it go?

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aaaa, completely forgot to reply lmao
it went pretty well overall, my friend and i went to visit another friend (who i hadn’t talked to in person for literal years), who couldn’t attend the event. it was very fun. towards the end i got a little upset, because my friend started calling over random people she knew who then kept sticking around. i was a little scared she was gonna run off with them any second, because she’s done it before.


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