You’re a danger to yourself and to the people around you. You twist conversations and then act like because English is not your first language you can get away with it. You scream at me, ask me a question, when I start to respond you scream louder to talk over me because you don’t like what you think you’re about to hear. You purposely mishear our conversation and then take bits and pieces of what I say and turn it into a new narrative to make yourself a victim and me the bitch. You constantly put yourself down and as stated before twist the conversation to make it like I put you down when the words you say never came out of my mouth nor were they implied. If I ask you a question or inquire about something you’re doing you think I’m questioning your intelligence and capabilities of doing whatever it is you’re doing, as in a personal attack on your ego. You will even go as far as to flip me off and say “sit and spin”, calling me a “bitch”, an “evil woman”, saying you wish you never met me, telling me to “fuck off”, and calling me manipulative when in all this you are the master manipulater and I have fallen for your charm and don’t leave when in all reality I probably should. You say I’ve ruined your life. I am the first person you’ve ever opened your heart up to. You were burned in the past my an ex and will never forget it. I am the first partner you’ve moved in with and had to make compromises/changes to your daily living. Every decision affects both of us, but you don’t like to relinquish some freedom and independence. You thought you would still be living 100% the way you did before and you wouldn’t have to sacrifice anything. You’re proud to say you don’t need anyone and you’re better off alone. When you’re mad you punch walls, break things, slam doors, scream at the top of your lungs, and pace around the house. You blame me for making you feel this way. You have even made up lies to manipulate and hurt me in the moment. Like the time you told me all these people at your job don’t like me and don’t want me coming to work events anymore and I’m an embarrassment. It wasn’t them. You later admitted it was you who felt this way. Within this same conversation you then said our mutual friends have talked down on me and you agree with them. You then later said that was an exaggeration too. You’ve threatened to kill yourself. You’ve implied that I have pushed you to the point of wanting to kill yourself. Seeing me cry only makes you more angry. You’ve never physically hurt me but you’ve threatened me by raising you hand and then immediately taking it back and walking away because in that moment I’m sure you wanted to hurt me but knew better. You instead hurt me with your words. You screamed at me from outside the car while sitting at a parking lot in Vegas and a security officer asked me if I’m ok and if he should call the police. You completely humiliated me in that situation. You know I have social anxiety and you got 30+ people to surround me in the kitchen to sing me happy birthday while I stand there bright red messing with my hands and scratching myself because my anxiety was through the roof. You condemn me for being level-headed and not immediately screaming or acting enraged at you when I’m upset about something because you wish that came easy to you. You wish you could stay even-tempered. You wish you could forgive and forget. You wish things didn’t build up in your mind for days, weeks, months, years. You wish you didn’t get angry the way you do. You wish you didn’t have a drinking problem. You wish you weren’t addicted to cigarettes. You wish you didn’t have to be high to feel happiness and be calm. And you see me, someone who’s never been addicted to anything. Someone who is nice and well-mannered. Someone who can express emotions maturely, and you say I think I’m so perfect because I can do these things and it comes easy for me. You say I think I’m better than you when I don’t and never did or said anything to make you think that of me. It’s simply the fact that I am mature about things and can move past things, that threatens you. You have flat out told me you’re jealous of me. I don’t even know what to say or do at this point. I stay because I’ve seen you at your best and we connect so well on so many levels. You’re an absolute angel when life doesn’t have you down and you’re happy. I’ve seen you slowly try to make changes and be better and do better. It’s these many moments you slip up and fall into bad patterns that scare me. I love you so much, but you can’t love me back the way I deserve if you have so much hatred for yourself.
According to what you’ve written, it looks to me that you may connect on some levels on some days, but there are far more levels in which the two of you are absolute opposites.
You are right, he is dangerous, especially because he blames you for his bad behavior. There is zero chance that a healthy relationship can exist with a person who does that.
You can’t reward his behavior by putting up with it, and expect him to change in any meaningful way. It also sounds like he has deeply entrenched personality disorders that won’t be resolved without long-term therapy. Odds of him receiving such therapy are slim if he holds others, including you responsible for his emotionally abusive behavior.
He’s not really your boyfriend because the friend part is missing. Friends nurture each other. He wants nurturing from you, but would rather manipulate you than provide nurturing in return.
Please take care of yourself and stay safe.
Hi Friend, welcome to heartsupport, I am so very sorry that you are in such a toxic relationship and I am also sorry that you could never show this to your partner as it is a perfect representation of your feelings and they should know how you feel. Saying that being in this enviroment day in and day out is not healthy, not for them and certainly not for you. Your partner needs help with the substances they are taking and more importantly anger management as these situations rarely if ever right themselves without some form of help and I dont think you feel loved, respected or safe and its no way to live. Life is short and we all have our ups and downs but we all aim to try to be as happy as we can and you sound far from happy. I am so glad you found heartsupport and posted here, You are not on your own, please know that you are also worthy of so much more and so is your partner, they also need help to better their life but you should not take the brunt of that. I would definately encourage you to not be in this relationship either at all or whilst they get help. You must care for yourself. I hope that something can get sorted, please post anytime you need to and stay safe. Much Love Lisa. x
Blooberbug, First welcome to the Heart Support Community. I want you to know that this is definitely a safe place to come to talk. My big question for you is - Are you safe? Are you really sure you are safe? What you have talked about shows someone with serious anger and substance abuse issues. That can be a dangerous combination. Do you have a plan to get out if things escalate any further? Please look up and save the phone number for your local domestic abuse hotline / shelter. You deserve to have a relationship that is loving, caring and not scary. You deserve to have respect and peace in your home. What you think, what you feel and what you need are as important as what your partner wants in a relationship. You matter. Please be careful and let us know how you are doing. We care what happens with you.
From: Dr Hogarth
Welcome to this community and thank you for sharing this here. It must have been hard to get all this off your chest, but I hope it gave you some clarity or at least some relief.
As someone who has also lived with an addict, I see a lot of the classic behaviours; the constant gaslighting by telling you that you are the reason they’re an addict, essentially projecting all blame and responsibility on to you. Abusive addicts will create their own reality around them to protect themselves from the reality that they are at fault, and often that reality means projecting all their feelings of inadequacy and guilt onto the person they are closest to. Then that can escalate to doing things that will upset that person “because they deserve it”. Unfortunately, if you live with that long enough, you can start to believe that you do deserve it. You don’t, no one does.
With the signs of aggressive behaviour (like punching the air and walls) from your partner, I really worry that this could potential escalate. Even with that on one side, you do not deserve to be embarrassed, humiliated or blamed for your partner’s behaviour. It is not healthy for you to live that way and it’s not healthy for your partner to think that behaving that way is in any way acceptable.
Please be safe x
This relationship, at this point, is extremely toxic and dangerous for the both of you. You both cannot resolve conflict, and between how hostile he gets when he’s pushed beyond his limits, it is a very scary place for you to be in.
This is not the kind of life and environment you deserve. No one deserves to be treated this way, and then blamed and gaslighted that it’s “your fault”. It’s not. It’s not your fault that he cannot resolve conflict with you. It is not your fault he reacts in such a poor manner. I think, personally, that you need to get out of a relationship like this as soon as you can. If you think that you really want to save your relationship and for things to change… my only suggestion is relationship counseling. You can also visit https://www.loveisrespect.org/ to talk to a counselor there about what they believe would be your best step in this conflict. It might be a good suggestion, on your own, to jot down what you believe your boundaries to be in this relationship.
I’m sorry I cannot provide further insight. I am concerned for your safety, and hope you can find some solstice in these hard times. Please, don’t feel nervous to update us about this. Wishing for the best, take care friend.
I’m glad you arent in the clouds in this relationship, its good to be aware. Hold on my friend. Just know you have so many people that love you whether you know them or not!