When i found out about this organization… it changed my life.
I don’t know how much is appropriate to share or how much is to much so I’ll try to keep it short and leave out the fluff.
I recently started looking out for something more than “just therapy” … from birth i was basically screwed. I was born the sole survivor of twins. Father and Mother on drugs and alcohol, abusive and violent households at times. I have vague recolections of police at our trailer as a todler “taking care of things” … this is basically my earliest memory. From there it was a rollercoaster of several “families” from great aunts and uncles, to grandparents and even a foster home one year. There was abuse to my sister and I of several different varieties and of different callibers, (deliberately leaving out detail), before my grandparents came along and adopted me. Everything SEEMED pretty normal from there out.
The emotional, psycholigical, and physical damage done was addressed by my grandparents with therapy. I had several “doctor friends” up into my teenage years. One thing my grandfather did for me before all this was give me a madolin he brough home from overseas. I beat the poor thing up but my grandfather saw that it made me happy and gave me “passion” so… this was the doctors and behavioral professionals foot in the door.
My grandparents had their piano retuned that i learned to play but soon moved on to mandolin and guitar. Throughout school i never really felt accepted into my peer groups no matter how warm, close, or friendly, almost bording a Sigma male. By middle school and high school band and art was all i cared about. I became very politically and ecologically inspired to use my music to “Change the world” … or at least those were my dreams…
After graduating high school i had learned several instuments, music theory, and had a multitude of instuments at my disposal… the only problem was as the “black sheep” my music wasnt shared… my style wasnt shared… i never colaborated… so my style became unique enough that it actually became difficult to make music with others. So i practice and studied for years almost in solitude. Then becoming an adult and paying bills became my number one priority and music slowed down. I fell into drugs and alcohol heavily at about 20 and within two years was in AA. One really bad overdose, and a few “forgetful” nights, and a few nights in the drunk tank made me decide to change. I still struggle with addiction but im free of alcohol and hard drugs 8 years in the making. I made the mistake of going to facebook saying how proud i was of my “sobriety” now everyone in town thinks im on, or was doing crack but are “still super happy for me”. When i explain it was mostly psychadelics, alcohol, and perscriptions i get the side eye and feel further ostracized.
I did eventually make my music more prodiminant in my life after the alcohol and drugs wore off and continued therapy. I just turned 32. People seem impressed with the music… apparently i dont know my worth… Ive been in a relationship for almost 9 years that feels unhealthy, and puts my life and passion on the “back burner.” No kids, never married… few friends… and i have yet to record my albums, put those paintings out there, and persue the kind of artistic life i want for myself. My mental health with depression, anxiety, and ADHD have made it difficult for me to “be myself” and keep people in my life that actually care about my well being and don’t just want to take advantage of me.
I found heart support three weeks ago… i thought i was ready to let go of my music. It felt like a bag of burdens to carry around, and seriously considered lighting a trunk with 20 years worth of journaling up in flames and NAMASTE that thing into cinder and smoke. I started crying more frequently and couldnt explain why other than i felt unimportant, insignifigant, and alone. Music is my life blood, passion, and how i express myself, and without it I literally wouldn’t be here. And as an artist… there is no darker place than looking at your lifes work and wondering “is this stupid? This is pointless, its no good and i dont even know why i keep persuing this”… it is a very dangerous dark place to be alone, and the only way out for me is with a pen, pad, and an instumnent. Im lucky ive never drifted too far out to sea to come back.
The world I lived in felt very small…now im hearing and seeing first hand accounts of how things are ACTUALLY making a difference to people who really need to hear that nice thing, or just be heard… and it makes me not feel so alone anymore. Especially after feeling trapped in the body of a starving artist for 30 years.
That being said, thank you heart support, you saved my life, and as long as the music stays alive, i’ll be here to enjoy it 