My body is failing me

[Verona2900]

I have been perfect for a long time. I remember something from when I was a child. Although my parents always drank themselves until they couldn’t walk straight, they always gave me a speech when we were going to visit family: Don’t complain. Don’t tell them we had a fight. Don’t react if grand father hits grand mother. Don’t play with the boys. Don’t dirty your dress. Don’t eat or drink too much. If you are tired don’t doze off on the couch keep yourself busy. Offer everyone in the house something to drink.
I lived by those rules every time we went to visit relatives. And as adult as I am now, it still works the same although I don’t need to be told anymore it just is. We all, somewhere in our lives have to go through that. From what I’ve seen anyway, many of us do. And it never lets up either. And when it comes to society, work or friends it was the same thing for me. Always there, present, never complaining, hard working and self sacrificing. And I mean it. In every way. Who cares if I had pneumonia??? What mattered is my mom’s thumb surgery, I had to be there for her. Who cares about my French final exam? My friend’s parents might be getting divorce, she needed a friend.
It was never their fault. It was me, frankly, who should have said: well I have something going on. No matter how much they think they needed me, they would have to learn. I would have to learn. That I can’t be that solid rock constantly. But I should have said no. But no one, NO ONE could ever tell me I wasnt there. That I don’t take. I did it, it was my decision, but don’t say I was never there, because I accidently forgot to wish you happy Easter.

That’s another story

Right now, perfection. I always demanded it from me. Can you believe this dumb woman had a nervous breakdown because she had 92% on an exam? I never swallowed anything short from 95%. When I couldn’t take my social, work and studies: Adderall. It was there. When I thought I was getting to personal with Adderall? Xanax: It brought me down. Always in such perfect controlled balance I was never an addict to anything.

But things changed lately. I lost people. I stopped giving my entire being to people. I finished my studies. And my work life is easy going because I work in Tourism now… Imagine… haha… So… except for my book… I am… nothing? At first it was fine. I did yoga. I wrote. I gardened. For the first time in I don’t know how long; I am alone with myself. I cater to my needs. But it feels like I am a machine that once it stops, it breaks. Anxiety. Thinking of what happened 16 years ago ( yes I Facebooked searched a elementary school bully) I thought of people I have not seen in 10 years. I have nightmares about them. I wake up out of breath. And no matter what I do it doesnt go away. Which is why I had in the first placed looked for that therapist ( that turned out horrible) I’m at a point I can take a big risk with the dosage of Xanax and I had to stop before I can get addicted. Its not a bug enough dose anymore to put me to sleep at night. And no matter the ritual: no eating. no electronics in the room. listening to baseball. mediation. It doesn’t work.
I sleep less that 3 hrs per night. I am exhausted. I am nauseous. I am constantly having migraines. I can’t concentrate. My mind keeps me awake and my body can’t take it anymore. And I know for a fact the dosage I need is way too high.
Even this whole post doesn’t make sense. Its just me demanding myself to feel better. Do better, be better. I did it for everyone else, why can’t I do it for me? Why can’t these thoughts stop?

Why does it feel like I didn’t do enough in the past and i regret it and that I won’t be enough for the future.
Its like past anxiety and future anxiety is just squeezing me between two walls.

Whatever happened to me being strong enough to hold up appearances? Is it because its for me? Does it only work if its for others? Stupid me thought a therapist would work huh… HA. I guess I really am emotionally immature? I don’t know. All I know is if I am, I need to fix it. Because I always need to fix me.
I just feel so light headed sometimes.

[HS_John]

Hi Verona2900, the HeartSupport Houston team responded to your post here. We hope it helps as you navigate what you’re going through! (If the video doesn’t play, give it a little while to process; it’ll show up.)

Hold Fast friend!

• John, Taylor, Crystal, Hanson and Jesse

[Micro]

Hey @Verona2900,

Thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this.

Being the solid rock, the healer, the person’s who’s there to help is something you’ve learned to be since you were young. In my family, it’s how I grew up too. Not showingany crack, never reaching out but always asking “are you ok?”, always holding others in my arms and weeping with them but never be asked how I was. Only rules, taboos and instructions. Being the giver was the only way to be acknowledged, somehow to be even safe. But it shouldn’t be that way. Children, even the ones who grew up like us, can’t be the parent, just like perfection has always been a lie. The promise of a way to exist, but what a destructive way. You couldn’t know. I couldn’t know. This silence and this presence that you gave at the same time were not what was supposed to be. The roles should have been reversed. It was not your fault. It’s still not your fault.

Vulnerability may take a lot of time to be learned, maybe even a lifetime, but you just did it here. Showing a part of you like this, a part of your heart with a lot of honesty, is very strong. Maybe that’s not something you could do before, but you’re doing it today, and you can be proud of yourself for that.

Perfection is overrated. It’s a constant race after something that doesn’t exist, and it requires us to constantly push ourselves beyond our limits. Nothing is ever enough. There’s always a need to look after the next goal, the next achievement… the next way to push ourselves too hard.

What was learned can be unlearned though, step by step.

I am alone with myself.

When it feels like you have nothing left to give, what’s left of you? It’s scary to realize this. It’s incredibly heartbreaking to feel alone with ourselves. But it’s also a precious awareness. It highlights the pain that needs to be seen, felt and, finally, not hidden behind an urge to run away from yourself - through work, perfection, family, through giving, giving and giving again. There’s a whole world inside of you, and also huge part of you that’s still waiting to learn, and to be. There is potential for growth.

And I know for a fact the dosage I need is way too high.

Or maybe a different medication. It’s really good that you keep working on daily habits though. Even if it seems uneffective right now, it’s better than nothing. Although I hear that this experience with your therapist wasn’t good. And if that person is the one who prescribed you those meds, I’d like to encourage you to try to see someone else (in a safe way, not running out of meds suddenly either) so you can talk as you need about this potential limit regarding addiction.

This is an obstacle on the road and sleep is indeed crucial. But don’t get yourself discouraged, friend. It sounds that, right now, trying to see a different therapist would be beneficial.

Even this whole post doesn’t make sense. Its just me demanding myself to feel better. Do better, be better. I did it for everyone else, why can’t I do it for me? Why can’t these thoughts stop?

For many of us, it’s really hard to see worth within ourselves while we see a lot of potential in others. It feels like not being on the same scale, and no matter how much we try we’ll just devaluate ourselves constantly.

Learning to know yourself and acknowledge your worth is a long process, a work in progress. With your message right now, you show how much all of this is provoking questions and thoughts that, maybe, you didn’t really take the time to acknowledge until know. You’re seeing through the cracks. That’s the beginning of growth.

Why does it feel like I didn’t do enough in the past and i regret it and that I won’t be enough for the future.
Its like past anxiety and future anxiety is just squeezing me between two walls.

That’s such an accurate description of anxiety. Being stuck being the past and the future, regrets and defeat. It reminds me of something from Alan Watts, in The Wisdom of Insecurity:
“The power of memories and foresight is such that for most human beings the past and future are not as real, but more real than the present. The present cannot be happy unless the past has been ‘cleaned up’ and the future is full of promise.”

Learning to be grounded in present feels unnatural somehow. But once you’re aware of how you’re anxiety works, you can learn with a consistant attitude to be more focused on the present, little by little. As you mentioned meditation, I imagine that you might be a bit familiar with mindfulness? There are many ways to approach it, and maybe it would be interesting for you to look after one that would suit you.

Whatever happened to me being strong enough to hold up appearances? Is it because its for me? Does it only work if its for others? Stupid me thought a therapist would work huh… HA. I guess I really am emotionally immature? I don’t know. All I know is if I am, I need to fix it. Because I always need to fix me.

Finding the right therapist can be a long and difficult process. It’s very frustrating, but it’s not your fault. It’s made of a human relation, so it’s important to find the person you feel comfortable with, someone you could really connect with. It’s not because of you. Only because we, as humans, are complex.

You are not made to be fixed, friend, because being unperfect is how we’re meant to be. But knowing this shouldn’t prevent us to rest our priorities. And your very first priorirty, right now, is you and your well-being. You deserve to take care of yourself, to breathe, to take your time. It’s okay to learn to feel whole again, to be at peace with yourself. Little by little, one travels far.