I’ve been with him for half a year now and we are pretty young still. I’d say for our age he’s had to deal with a pretty big thing since I went through sexual trauma (obviously i went through more, but still). And now im all healed and he’s the person who I was with while healing, so this all hurts even more.
Yesterday I found out he was cheating on me. About a month ago, he’d added a girl on snapchat. They talked for a bit, though she told me it wasn’t like a talking stage, but still, they talked. HE would also freqently make comments that implied he wanted to see her, though she would just make excuses. Eventually, he asked her when she could hangout instead of asking her to come over, saying that he was available in the upcoming vacation.
I found out yesterday, then texted him to come over because I needed to talk to him about something important. He came over immediately and I “confronted” him. Tears started welling in his eyes and he began to sort of pace. He told me he was sorry and that he was a terrible person. Eventually, I just told him it was over. Then I went home and balled my eyes out because I truly hadn’t seen it coming. Everything had been going so well and suddenly he cheated.
He send me a message in the evening saying sorry for everything and for not telling me, and that he didn’t deserve me, etc.
He also said, “I know this probably won’t help, but I would delete Snapchat for you to get you back, but I know that probably won’t happen.” I said I hoped he knew that if I decided to take him back, it would take more than to simply delete Snapchat. I also told him I needed space from him. Now I’ve left pretty much everything open in the air, and I feel heartbroken. I just don’t understand why he did it. And I’m not sure if he even knows why he did, except for low self-esteem maybe.
Anyway, his sister send me message as well yesterday. She asked me if I was okay. Of course, I said no. She told me she understood that and that she heard about what happened and that he’d started crying so hard to a point she almost cried too.
We had a brief conversation and eventually we got to a point where she send me a voice message about it, telling me how he’d always been so furiously loyal to me, bla bla bla. And that he truly didn’t have these intentions but that it might have something to do with their unstable home situation (im not taking this as an excuse!!!). But those are only speculations as she also doesn’t know why he did it for sure. And that he never had any intentions, but just asked that girl if she could hangout, though he of course should’ve told me.
I don’t know what to do. I know I need space and time to think, but I still have questions for him and I feel absolutely heartbroken. I just can’t understand why he’d do this. But now my real question, do I leave him or not? OR idk maybe the better thing is, how should I approach this…
I’m truly sorry you are going through this situation. Scenarios where a significant other cheats is never easy to deal with. I’ve been cheated on before, so I know how you feel.
If you were to get back together do you feel as though the relationship will be as strong as before? Do you even want to get back together?
My first girlfriend cheated on me and when we got back together the connection we had was mostly gone. You may have a stronger bond, or maybe you feel betrayed. It’s really up to you in the end.
It’s wise of you to know that you need time and space to think it through. That may be best for all the people involved in this.
However you end up dealing with it, trust your gut and your heart. They will never lead you astray.
Keep your head up!
Thanks for reaching out and opening up about your situation with both you’re sexual trauma and about your current situation.
First, you deserve to be in a better position then this but it still something where they only talked and there wasn’t anything else happening i don’t honestly see that as wrong. But it kinda your choice if you would want to remain with the person or find another fish in the lake. But cheating is not easy to deal with but i would also take you’re time and what emotions you feel about this situation you deserve to find that right person out there.
So, I have decided to give him a second choice. We had a long conversation a couple of days ago and he finally opened up about other stuff as well. Not that those things are in any way an excuse, but they still make it easier for me to understand where he’s coming from and also to help me realize that it really didn’t have much to do with OUR relationship.
I am not sure whether our connection is the same. I feel as I did in the start of our relationship (when it wasn’t offical), when I was constantly doubting whether I liked him and if we had a true connection. When we hung out, I knew for sure that we did, but when we were not physically together, I worried. I have a lot of anxiety about everything and frequently drive myself crazy, which is why I have a hard time listening to my heart sometimes.
Even now, my heart made the descision to give him a second chance, but my head’s been drving me crazy ever since. I’m constantly shifting between liking him and seeing a future and not liking him and wanting to move on. It makes it harder that in the days I didn’t talk to him and was processing my feelings, I started talking to someome from my work. It is all friendly since we work together and are friends, but if I continue talking to him it might become more…
So it complicates things. I’m not saying that I’m deciding between the 2 of them, I’m simply thinking more about choosing between staying or leaving my boyfriend (i have no idea whether things would work with that other guy, so that’s why). Staying with my boyfriend is going to mean putting in a lot of work. He’s going to have to change. He’s going to have to put more effort in me. So IDK.
But im managing to stay calm for now. I am on a vacation so that gives me space from everything. Maybe when I’m back from vacation, I will ask him to hangout at my place so that I can see whether our connection is even there in the first place.
Hope im not replying with too much, but it always helps me to type it all out.
I’m happy you two were able to talk it through and mend some of this situation. That was a smart move rather than letting things fizzle out without knowing how you both are handling this.
Those recurring anxious thoughts drive me crazy too, sometimes you have to step outside your mind and ask yourself “why am I thinking this way?” Is this benefiting my mental health?". You’ve trudged through this in a very healthy way which is commendable, even with the craziness of it all.
I understand where your thought processes are coming from. Maybe take note of how you feel now compared to a couple of weeks from now and then go from there? You know yourself better than anyone.
I hope you had/have a nice vacation and I’m sure it will workout no matter what decision you make. You have your whole life ahead of you!