I don’t understand my brain and it makes me angry. i’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety since i was 13 years old i am now a lot older and it still sucks. i was told that time heals and that as time moved on i would feel better. so much shit happened in the last two years and that’s where it really got serious. blah blah blah i was on medication and i was inpatient and outpatient and blah blah. currently now im so fucking confused. i never actually take time to feel my emotions, i myself don’t even understand emotions. i don’t know how to communicate them or just indicate them. i don’t know how to act when i feel certain ways, i don’t know if it’s sadness i feel i don’t know if im depressed i don’t know my but chest physically hurts so bad every time i cry. my chest literally hurts and it feels so heavy. ive been battling and ed for a while now and sometimes i think that’s what’s ruining me. i’m so irritable all the time and im never truly ever there. i spend too much time inside my head and even then i don’t understand myself. sometimes emotions feel so much that it feels like the world is literally ending, i cannot focus on anything but that emotion when negative situations come. i’m truly so fucking ew
Hey there,
I can’t even express how much I can relate to what you’ve written. I have been there, where the pain is just so much and crying while trying to breath. I know in this moment it may not feel like it, but things do get better. It takes time and effort and you’ll still have difficult days but I promise you if you put in the time things will get better.
I think a good place to start is writing down how you feel, or writing about what happened to make you feel a certain way. When I was younger I was very against this for some reason, I guess I felt like it was weird, but it’s not, it’s normal and a healthy thing to do.
Sometimes it does feel like it’s the end, but I promise you it’s not. Do something that makes you happy, take a step back from the situation.
I hope maybe this helps a little. Just know I’ve been where you are and I am proof that things get better.
Much love.
it’s so scary. i don’t know why im so scared to admit that things can and will be better. i’m so used to everything always going to shit and so that feels strange. i know i won’t be better unless i actually try to be better but i don’t know. i feel like
im constantly ruining things for myself because i
believe i deserve the worst. being normal is hard.
thank you for taking the time to write that!!
Hallo ghost! Let me say that i don’t believe your brain is remotely dumb!
It sounds very much like your brain and your body has been through so much. That you’ve been constantly fighting to push through each moment and that all this heaviness is sitting so hard inside of you and there literally aren’t words to describe the ache in your heart. It’s very okay not to have words to describe the exact feelings that are weighing on you because it’s probably just so many different ones and it’s honestly so hard to pinpoint your feelings and needs when you’re feeling that you’re just trying to focus in keeping your head above the water.
The way you and lyss talk about this fear of being able to move forward can also be a natural feeling.
I think that at times the thought of healing is scary because it means going through the pain of uncovering very buried hurt or memories. At times our tendencies can to be to push deeper into ourselves and into the solitude and heaviness.
And then there is also that layer of feeling like things continuously keep going in the wrong direction so who’s to say that this time things will turn around?
You know what is really amazing and progress in itself? Is the fact you have a self awareness that you’re hurting and that you’re recognising the things like irritability, self isolation and that perhaps Ed is also having an impact on you.
Your normality may vary from someone else’s but you are normal and are navigating the undeserved hurt the best you can.
Sending you a lot of love x
Exploring our emotions and learning how to name them/describe them can be a real journey in itself! I’ve personally not had the chance to learn this in the family I grew up in, so it’s something I’ve been learning from scratch as an adult, and how man it can be confusing at times. You describe it so very well, and it’s even more true when the way you feel seems ot be particularly intense and overwhelming. There is so much subtelty in our inner worlds that translating it into words and learning to identify what’s going on can feel particularly challenging.
I don’t think any of what you describe would ever make you dumb or worthless. It’s actually a reflection of how human you are - and as humans we are not expected to be perfect. There aso many people out there who struggle the same way and choose to constantly push away their emotions in order to function/perform. It’s understandable to fear what hurts and to try to avoid it by any cost. Something very strong in what you describe though, is that you are aware of these mechanisms. You are not just enduring it. This awareness alone offers more possibility, with first and foremost the capacity to reflect on your needs, on areas where growth and healing are needed too. It’s challenging to learn to give to yourself the kindness and compassion you’d be willing to offer to someone you love, especially if you feel like there is nothing good in you. Saying no to what doesn’t serve you anymore, and learning to leave it outside of your mind only to welcome what nurtures healing and growth, may be the beginning of a fulfilling journey for you.
Rest assured that we believe in you here. We see the beauty in you. 