My brain is working against me

My brain is working against me.
From time to time, when a trigger appears, my thoughts start to romanticize the idea of using and drinking again and especially the idea of an overdose.
See, I don’t want to be back in that alley, I don’t want to go near that again, but for a fraction of a moment, it sounds so sweet and every memory has a lovely pink filter over it for a second and it looks like the most desirable thing on earth.

I’m well aware that all of that is a lie and all of it is an illusion that wants me to give in and eventually give up.

I have no intention of doing that, but these thoughts are throwing me off every now and then.
Even though every time I see these filtered memories and hear these ridiculous thoughts I remind myself that that isn’t the truth, I still like these moments because it makes me feel good about my past and not like I am a screw up; it makes me feel like I was doing the right thing (even though I know I didn’t), but then, for a second, I forget the pain it caused and I am only able to see the the beauty in it.

I wish there was a button to turn these moments and lies off.
I wish I had someone to talk about this or call when I get convinced for a moment that “it” is the way to go.

I think it can be easy to romanticize pain bc it’s so real when everything else can seem so flat and numb.

Don’t start using again. You don’t want that future. Do you have a sponsor you can call? Are you in a 12 step program?

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I don’t know if there is an organization that maybe you could contact so you could get someone to talk to when you have these urges.
I don’t know much about substance abuse and hope someone here can give a better recommendation.
But I totally get the feeling you have. Sometimes I fantasize about getting in an accident or getting hurt so that I would get more attention from others. That maybe that attention would ease my mental pain. But I know that it’s not true.

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Thanks. I appreciate it.
I hope you also have/find someone to talk. You can always write here :wink:

Hi @nameredacted
Thank you.
I have no intention of using again. I’m 2 years sober and no, I don’t have a sponsor and I am not part of a program.
I have a couple that kinda mentors me, but they can’t really help me when it comes to addiction…