My brain is working against me.
From time to time, when a trigger appears, my thoughts start to romanticize the idea of using and drinking again and especially the idea of an overdose.
See, I don’t want to be back in that alley, I don’t want to go near that again, but for a fraction of a moment, it sounds so sweet and every memory has a lovely pink filter over it for a second and it looks like the most desirable thing on earth.
I’m well aware that all of that is a lie and all of it is an illusion that wants me to give in and eventually give up.
I have no intention of doing that, but these thoughts are throwing me off every now and then.
Even though every time I see these filtered memories and hear these ridiculous thoughts I remind myself that that isn’t the truth, I still like these moments because it makes me feel good about my past and not like I am a screw up; it makes me feel like I was doing the right thing (even though I know I didn’t), but then, for a second, I forget the pain it caused and I am only able to see the the beauty in it.
I wish there was a button to turn these moments and lies off.
I wish I had someone to talk about this or call when I get convinced for a moment that “it” is the way to go.