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Belongs to: Therapist analyzes Su!cIde by Ren
My childhood friend was struggling with addiction in our late 20s. I was there for him almost everyday. Even when I couldn’t take his behavior… he shot himself that night. I’ll never forgive myself. I’ll never forget you, Brian Rau, my brother. I’m sorry I didn’t pick up.
You are not alone and never will be. Losing someone to suicide is a hurt and pain that feels like it’ll never go away. There are so many thoughts that say “we could have/should have”. It’s not fair, it’s like one second you can go from mourning and hurting to being so mad at them to just not being able to feel anything.
You don’t want to see someone you love struggling with addiction and you don’t want them to feel the hurt that was too deep to begin to understand.
I wish there was a way for us to have peace of mind and to know all the how’s and why’s and at the end of the day I wonder would that feel any less painful?
Your friendship and love was and is invaluable.
I know that we both made a difference in the lives of those we mourn and love.
We can take all this love and energy we had for them and use it to keep sending love out to the world around us. It hurts so much because there was so much love. It hurts so much because we know we did matter to them even though there’s confusion and doubt.
It’s not us that did anything wrong. And I have to remind myself of that every day too.
What I do know is that through the blame and rage and anger and pain, we had a genuine love. Maybe our love made their worlds a little more bearable. Maybe our love was enough for them and it was something they held dear each moment when they sorrow filled them.
I’m so sorry to hear about Brian. It sounds like you were a close friend and a constant source of support for him during a very difficult time. Losing someone to addiction is incredibly painful, and the guilt you’re feeling is a very common reaction.
I know it’s hard, but Brian made his own decision, and it’s not your fault. You were there for him, and that matters. * Addiction is a disease. It clouds judgment and makes rational behavior difficult. You did what you could as a friend. Holding onto guilt will only cause you more pain.
Brian will always hold a special place in your heart. But you can honor his memory by taking care of yourself and living your life to the fullest.
Dear friend. You have been a strong, beautiful, incredible ally to your friend. You were present throughout his life, you’ve supported him, you’ve shown him consistency in the fact that you kept showing up even during days when it was hard to compose with his demons. Addiction is a tough beast to live with, and having someone like you by his side must have left such a profound mark of love in his life. Even if he ended up taking his life that night, you have been on the side of helping him in his own healing and recovery, and the loss of this battle did not take any of that away from you, or from him.
I’ve been myself dealing with various things throughout my life, leading to seasons of acute suicidality. And to be honest, during times when I’ve isolated myself the most, when I had a plan in mind and tried to execute it, I knew I was loved. I knew I had support, I knew I could reach out and that I would be heard, or even held in arms while I would cry. The pain that we may experience at a given time does not take away our awareness of all the love and support that exists in our life. Unfortunately, pain and suicidal thoughts work in such a way that it’s just hard to see beyond it. It feels like you are having a tunnel vision, preventing you from accessing to people and things that would help you get out of this dark hole.
You are not at fault, friend. Brian knew without a doubt how much you cared for him, and how much you would have been there at that very moment if you had the possibility to choose. It makes completely sense to somehow rewrite the story in your mind though, and to think about the opportunities that could have been missed. There is no doubt that you miss your friend so freaking much, and I’m so sorry that you’ve been left dealing with all of this pain.
May you find your way through giving yourself the love, grace and forgiveness you absolutely deserve. You are a good person. You are a good friend.
Friend, Thank you so much for posting. I am so very sorry for the tragic loss of your friend. There are no words that can express the sadness that comes from a person who decides they no longer want to be here and I want you to know that it was a choice. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about friend, you were a good friend to him, he just had, had enough. That doesnt make losing him easier, I get that. But I guarentee you that he would not want you to feel guilt because of a decision that he made. He would want you to live your life to the fullest and in his name. I hope in time you can learn to do that. I send my love to you. Lisa. x