My dad again

I’m putting this under support because I think it fits and I want advice but the I’m going to write this will be closer to a journal. Don’t know why I felt the need to put that down but there.

I just got done with an argument with my dad about something that doesn’t matter too much in which he yelled at my mom for breaking down because of it. Before that point I had not been in control of my emotions and wasn’t numb but when that I happen I went numb and I then clam told him to stop and I was able to get the situation under control. I still am numb from that so maybe in my responses I’ll be a mess but for the moment I’m clam. But anyways I realized that I always have to be the better person and always end up being it. It’s always my job when it should be his as an adult. I wish he was the better person and not me. It would make things easier. But I get to have my abusive dad and not a loving on. Sigh but it’s fine. I’ll deal with. I don’t even know why I’m making this other than to ask what should I do in a similar situation. I hope I stay numb forever

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Hi Paladine :slightly_smiling_face:
Wow you are really brave and strong you know that. What you did was really something. I know it sucks to have an abusive dad and not a loving one but you are being so responsible. You know how to handle things like an adult even more so than your dad. I know it might be of little comfort now but you are already a greater person than your dad and if you are ever going to be a dad you will be amazing at it :wink:. I sincirely hope you will be able to leave the abusive household and be your own person soon. Until then being you is enough. You are allready more then your dad could ever hope to be :heart:

Ps: being numb is a defencive mechanism, its not gonna last forever. It will come up when you need protection from negative emotions. It is useful but being numb forever is not a good idea. I hope you will feel more joy and love in the future to melt that numbness :wink:

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If I had kids I would be a mom but yeah I guess I am slightly responsible. I know being numb is defensive but I would like it to be forever so I just always am in control of my emotions and not let them affect me but that’s probably unhealthy. I don’t think I’ll ever actually get love in person from people. I just don’t think it’s possible. Thank you for responding

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you’ve got a lot of life ahead of you. As you go though more moments, some away from home, some away from your father, the world will open up more and show you that there is so much out there - experiences, acceptance, love, friendship, just happy individual moments.

I know that people have suggested calling the authorities about your dad’s behaviour. That’s up to your mom and you to decide. But emotionally, you can start distancing yourself from your father. If he’s a jerk, then he doesn’t get to affect how you think about you, because he has proven himself to have reallly bad judgement and emotional control.

We’re here for you to vent, to rant, to seek advice, whatever you need. Being numb is effective in certain situations, but there’s so much in life to explore and enjoy. Thank you for being so brave. I hope you’re doing lots of self care stuff to celebrate and appreciate yourself!

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Unfortunately I can relate to your dad, in some ways. I’m a dad myself. Sometimes we can carry around too much stress. Or maybe having rough childhoods ourselves and never dealing with them. We can sometimes take things out on people who never deserve it. I do try to learn from my mistakes. I want the best possible relationship with each of my kids that I can have. I’m so sorry you don’t feel the love from your dad. But I do want to encourage you to keep doing what you are doing, be that example that hopefully he will learn from. And just know that you do have a heavenly Father who loves you and adores you. I will keep you and your dad in my prayers.

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Maybe there are reasons not to be numb but I would rather be in control then left to the whims of emotions. While hope I’ll feel love I have never felt it before so I just doubt I will. I don’t even feel it from my mom who I know she does. I just don’t feel it so I would rather take being numb. I didn’t do anything to take care of myself as I had to focus on everyone else around me and after that I just collapsed into a mess in my room. I’m back to numbness so that’s good. I don’t see a reason to appreciate my self. Thank you for responding

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The thing is that it’s a lot more often than every once in awhile where he’s too stressed. It’s at any moment for no reason will make everything horrible for no reason. He didn’t have a bad childhood at all. His was actually really decent especially compared to what I’ve gotten from him. On top of that he’s getting worse not better. He’s started just being meaner for no reason and switching back and forth more and more and it’s so confusing.

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… I am just gonna. Hide in the corner and be ashamed… yeah…

No. I think it is very possible. You are as deserving of love as everybody else. There are many things about you that are absolutely amazing. And even if you think that you might have some bad qualities it does not matter. Look at me, I can be absolutely obnoxious at times but I still have people that care about me somehow. I know its a little miracle but still :wink: You are absolutely worthy of love Paladine and dont let anyone say otherwise… :heart:

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No need to be ashamed. When I first was on here and first interacted with you me being a dad would be accurate. I only found out I was trans after I joined. I guess I might find love and people who care in real life but it seems so much like an impossibility that anyone would this is all I know.

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Hey @Paladine

What happened to telling your therapist about all of your dad’s abuse? You had planned on doing that a little while ago.

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You’re right. I had planned that but last session was about hormones and the one before that I was able to tell more about what was going on. I’m trying again next time I see her.

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