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Belongs to: Therapist grieves with Slipknot - XIX
My dad died right around Christmas. Alzheimer’s. We were close and he was the closest person I’ve ever lost. It was awful and brutal and painful and prolonged but at the same time I never really believed it would happen. This is the first time I’ve heard this song, but I’ve really been enjoying your reactions in general so your words are very welcome. The feelings I have are unlike anything I’ve experienced. Some days are worse than others. I put on a happy face and keep going with life but I don’t think I’ll ever top grieving. And honestly I’m not sure I want to. He was a good person and he worked hard for his family. And he died too young and too cruelly. I never want to leave that behind. Thank you.
First of all, I’d like to send my condolences for the loss of your Dad.
Watching a loved one decline due to Alzheimer’s is heartbreaking. They way you’ve described things captures the emotional journey that so many who have been through similar will have experienced. I understand that this experience will have a unique set of feelings for you, and it’s okay to be that way. That is the very nature of grief.
Whilst I’ve gone through a parental loss myself, I have friends who have, and they all say it’s a life changing experience. In your case, adding an illness like Alzheimer’s into the mix complicates things. Loosing someone to this illness is almost like loosing them twice - first they loose their identity and memory, and secondly when they physically pass away. The first one where you physically watch them slip away is painful. They are no longer the person you remember them as, and that is difficult.
It’s great that you’ve been able to be brave and strong, but you don’t need to be this way all the time. You are allowed to grieve, be sad, be angry, question why and have guilt. All of those things will come slowly with grief, and it’s important to let the grief out. Some days you will be absolutely fine, and others memories will hit you and you’ll feel paralysed. I lost my great grandma on the 16/02/23, so you can imagine how I’m feeling as her anniversary creeps up.
It’s clear that your Dad was very family orientated, and dedicated his life to his family. That can be hard to move on from. I can see from your words that your Dad had a good heart and has left a good legacy behind, which hopefully the family will continue. Grief is a personal journey and only you are in control of the pace and healing from it.
You will undoubtedly find your own way to honour your Dad’s memory and legacy, whether that is through kids of your own or in other aspects of life. He had a lot of love to give and will still love you from the gates of heaven. Your heart may be broken at the moment, but pain will get easier with time.
I’m sorry for the loss of your dad, friend. Seeing someone you love so much having their health declining in front of you is heartbreaking. There’s no words to describe how consuming it feels over time, and somehow we’re never really prepared to say goodbye, even if we know it’s going to happen.
It makes sense to both hate this grief and at the same time to wish to hold on to it. Somehow, it feels like a way to hold on to the memory of the person we miss, of honoring them, of keeping their love close. As moving forward and thinking less of them feels like forgetting them somehow, if not betraying them. I’ve felt myself this duality very often while navigating through the loss of my big brother. It’s a learning process really to explore these pathways that lead to life again, without feling like it would be a bad thing. It’s okay to take your time. It’s okay to feel all that you need, anytime you need.
Rest assured that, through the silence that you may feel these days, your dad is still there. His love shines brightly and goes beyond any matter of time or space that could exist between you. He is with you, in your heart, in your mind, in your tears and your smiles. He will always be a part of your life and you will keep having the possibility to share the beauty of his heart with this world.
