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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Falling Away From Me By KORN
my dad left my mom before i was born and since my mom was working she hired a family to take care of me full time in my younger years. one of my earliest memories was sitting in a bathtub with their son after appearently having done something wrong, the father of the family accused and then slapped me so hard i lost control of my sphincter. i lifted the results of that up in accusation to him and his response while laughing was to lift his son out of the water before telling me to keep bathing in my shitwater. yeah thats a nice thing to engrave into a 7 or 8 year olds brain. i could go on, but when people come up to me asking me about why i don’t function to their expectation i have resignated to just smile and walk away. the sad truth is, i’m almost 40 now and i’ve never felt a connection to anyone. if you say “i love you” to me i don’t feel a thing. i just measure how much i can expect from you realistically based on what i make of that statement. “just leave me alone” should be written on a sign around my neck.
I’m really sorry to know that you have been surrounded by cruel people from such an early age, by giving you some really hurtful memories that followed you until the present moment. It’s hard to escape this kind of trauma, where trusting people becomes so hard to do. Some people just don’t understand because they probably haven’t been in this kind of situation.
This kind of event can lead to a defense mechanism that makes us not to connect with people anymore, because we didn’t want to have the trust broken anymore, which is normal and understandable, but there are people who would be true to us. It just takes a lot of time maybe to find them, and also it depends if we want and are willing to try to make that connection, because it can get pretty lonely to always have a wall around us, but it really depends how you feel about this, and if you think that is the best for you, then there is nothing wrong with that.
I hope you will find the peace that you need. Hold fast! -R
I am so sorry for the trauma and abuse you went through during childhood. It is very bad for people that look after children to treat them in such a horrible way, there is nothing to justify that. I do hope you realize none of this is your fault.
If you are being treated so badly I think it is natural to want to protect yourself. You would not want bad things to happen again.
You say you never felt a connection to anyone, I wonder if you would like to feel that? I am not an expert but based on what you write it seems you could profit from professional help. It would certainly take quite some time to regain some trust in people and it may not be an easy road. But it might make your life a bit easier in the long run, even when it ofcourse won’t erase what has happened. It just might make things easier to bear.