The daily emotions I feel everyday are the same exact emotions that are fixated inside of me for more than five years—that I remember. The emotions of feeling trapped inside my body, trapped inside my mind as if it were a fantastical, incoherent ecosystem filled with all sorts of bizarre unrealistic things; things like spirits, demons/shadows, eyes, and unimaginable creatures. I think those things are the reason why I can’t do anything clearly, that I always get confused and “frozen” on something. Cause I don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to concentrate and focus on anything, because it’s either my mind is just too wild and intense to clear itself or I would just keep on forgetting; over and over again. Which would lead to even more deep confusion and frustration. It’s very hard to keep track of ideas, and overall it’s just an indescribable experience.
They are controlling me from the very inside and about, especially with my repetitive and endless thoughts about the same things, over and over again—being completely unable to think about anything else. I feel like someone is forcing these opinions on me, opinions in which I know are wrong and bad but lack the emotional response and attention to know why they’re really bad; it’s like I don’t even know what it is. What it means. Murder, I used to not understand morally why it was bad. As if my mind is just an empty plane of static and broken images of what I used to be, of what I’ve could’ve been. A human with basic understanding of my daily life and surroundings—but now that’s all gone now; it’s been gone and it’s far gone. Cause I don’t know where I am. Things don’t look familiar. My family faces don’t look familiar. It’s such a surreal feeling, as if one were to wake up and be in a house they never been before in they’re whole life. When they look at themselves in the mirror, it’s like they never saw their face before—like someone, a higher being, just forcibly placed a blurry mask over them—and they just have no idea what is going on. Because of just how much they have been stripped from the idea to.
I’ve been feeling like this for months and unend, just waiting for my punishment to elapse and give me human privilege, but it’s only been worsening; and I have no idea where it’s going, I don’t know what I’m gonna be like five years later—and I don’t think I want to know. Want to have the thought that I’ll eventually will be insane. It’s something so disturbing, something that shouldn’t be true but unfortunately just is, and I guess I’ll just have to accept it. Even though I force myself to not believe it. Uncontrollably.
I don’t know who I am, and I hope all of this gets somehow resolved one day so I wouldn’t waste my life with not ever being able to get the chance to experience it like how others do. Like how I was supposed to. But I guess bad things just kinda happen, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it, or reserve it. It just stays the same and won’t ever go away. Help?