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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to LEAVE ME ALONE by NF
My doubts tell me I’ve made it all this way by stumbling uphill. I’ve mistakenly succeeded, and on day, everyone will see me as this person who doesn’t have it all together. I’m just faking it till I make it, have I made it yet? When do I know I’ve made it? When can I stop pretending? When can I just be me instead of this mask I let everyone see? I spend more time at my job then at home. My coworkers are forceably more family than the family I go home to, and I wonder… will I get out before I’m found out, or will I get called out and finally seen for who I am underneath?
The people who decided you had what it takes for the job didn’t make a mistake. That imposter syndrome of feeling like you’re unqualified or inept for the position you’re in is so real and it’s a real psychological effect that happens. It’s called the Dunning-Kruger effect and basically says that the more unqualified people don’t realizer they aren’t because they don’t understand what criteria it would take to be qualified, and those with more knowledge who know the reality of what it takes can honestly see their limitations, but they actually ARE more qualified just by knowing where they fail. By saying that you lack in some areas actually shows your depths of knowledge about what it takes. If the people around you think you’re doing a good job, believe them! You probably are! Everyone freaks out a little when they’re put in a position they don’t feel qualified for, but in reality you have EXACTLY what it takes. I was taking a transfer Intro to Grant writing class that had a conditional practicum-internship the next semester depending on how we did in the first. The entire semester I was freaking out and thought I was failing and not doing enough–turns out I was doing alright. I got an A and the teacher asked me back to share with the next year’s class— so so often the voice of lies and doubts tries to tell us we’re a fraud, but they are just that lies. If you look at all you’re doing and all the success you’ve gained you’ll be able to see just how much you’re actually doing. You ask when will you know when you’ve made it? You will make it when you make peace with your flaws and accept yourself for where you are now, still wanting to make steps to who you want to me. You are awesome the way you are today!
You’re afraid of being called out for being something that you’re not— so can you face that part of yourself you feel like you’re hiding? Can you accept it and love it? Can you tell it that it cannot prevent you have having success? The truth is, no success, no title, no job will ever give us that feeling of fulfillment and “arrival” we will constantly think we’re not as well off as we could be and that cycle of seeking will be never ending. So- if you can love yourself and have peace now-- that will be the best success you could ever hope for. I believe there is peace for you in acceptance of where you are, in the goals you want to create, and in the acknowledgement that you’re doing a far better job than you may think you are!!!
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing this today, it takes a lot of courage to let us until your thoughts when you’re struggling to do so with others. Imposter Syndrome is such a real phenomenon that causes our brains to turn against themself. It can become very easy to falsely see our own nerves and unfamiliarity in transition periods as areas of inadequacy and insufficiency. From what you’ve told us, I can see two things you should be proud of.
You’re on the hill. Maybe you have as you put it, “stumbled” up this hill, but you have made it. Whether or not you think so, your actions and environment affirm that you have done something right.
You can identify your doubts as what they are. Doubts. They aren’t the reality or positive thoughts, they are doubts. This realization of your negative thoughts pattern is the first step to creating a more positive mental cycle.
This fear or being found out and called out as someone who doesn’t have it all together can feel very frightening and leave you overly cautious. I’ve found that the biggest truth about life and how everyone is doing is quite reaffirming: No one has it all together. Our brains can often stem further lies from this, such as “Yes, but you have it less together than xyz”. and so on. I like to now say: No one has it all together, and everyone thinks they’re less adequate than everyone else. I used to have very similar fears about my perceived failure, yet I found that I have found so much reaffirmation and support in opening up about and sympathizing these feelings with others.
Let me leave you with an affirmation I want you to hear: You are doing good.
No matter what your doubts say, you got this. I believe that you will be able to stop this cycle and fight these doubts through positive affirmations and support. I know that one day you will stand upon that hill and see that you are a complete, competent, and loved person.
Better days are ahead.
Friend, I am yet to meet a person who has their whole life perfectly together–we’re all in different stages of development and at different levels of having it all together. To err is human.
For so much of my life I’ve struggled with trying to keep up a persona and forcibly built this image of who I wanted others to think I was rather than just growing and developing into what I knew were my natural personality traits. Do you feel some pressure to fabricate a persona, because perhaps your true authentic self won’t be accepted? This may sound a bit cliche, but if you are putting up some kind of facade, then your family, friends, and others around you are missing out on the person you really are–perhaps even YOU are missing out on experiencing your true self.
I don’t know if life’s circumstances force you to spend more time at work when your desire is to be home with your family more, or if your time spent at work is part of the “mask” you mentioned, but I can totally understand if the demands at work leave you in such an exhausted state that a “mask” is a mentally and emotionally easier route than trying to show your true authentic self. I hope and pray you are able to take pride in your accomplishments and the growth you’ve experienced in life.
@HeartSupport@MBEdwards - @HeartSupport - it’s the demands of the job I’m in, and not any facet of a mask I feel more comfortable in rather than accepting my time away from work. I often spend months at a time away from family, and my job is beyond the usual 9 to 5 on any normal working day. The job I work also demands a mentality that is more than not in a greater opposition to my own. It’s been years since I’ve felt comfortable with just blending in and accepting things as they are at work, but just a few more years until I can move on to retirement.
As for missing out on experiencing my truer self, I’m able to be my authentic self with my family and a few friends. It feels unbelievably freeing to be able to let go of the front I have to hold up most of the time, specifically at work. I don’t deprive myself, or my family/friends, of the opportunity to know me as I truly am inside. My struggle is mostly the person I am, that I have to be, just to operate at work. I know I’m intelligent, I know I can do what I set my mind to, but most of the time, I simply feel the constant pull at the back of my mind saying “you pulled it off this time by the skin of your teeth, (which is such a shiver inducing phrase when I think about it), but are you gonna make it next time?”
Thank you for the acknowledgment, and I’ve been working on focusing on daily positive accomplishments to help myself return to a more positive mindframe… how I used to be so very many years ago.
@HeartSupport@lu2910 - Thank you. My struggle with Imposter Syndrome has been one of a constant ebb and flow, seeing my accomplishments and looking back to see how far I’ve come, only to be placed in a new space with new people that don’t know me for who I’ve been but who I am in the now. I see those around me succeeding while I feel like I’m grasping for the edges of a solid foundation that is the appearance that I am keeping up and know what I’m doing. Then, I turn around to find others coming to me for advice and telling me they wish they could “grow up to be like me one day” and I feel like “that’s silly, I’m not doing any better than you.” I see what you’re saying, I shouldn’t focus on how I’m not where I think I should be, but see how I am a lot further along than I give myself credit for. I’m surrounded by others that are also, more or less, putting everything together; and just the same as don’t compete with others in physical health, I shouldn’t hold myself to other’s state in their lives as I am within my own. Funny thing is, I know this, I guess I just lose sight of it when I’m overwhelmed and metaphorically tredding water.
@HeartSupport@JBranch - I’ve never heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect, and now I’ve got something to research . Thank you. I often get lost in the details of things, noticing all the nuances and intricacies that might get looked over. It causes me to spend more time worrying about what’s not been completed to the full degree that feels right to me, rather than doing exactly the level of work that’s expected of me. This also leads me to see the details in what I feel I’m failing, only to have others come up and compliment me on how I’ve done. I can say that now, after having today be a struggle, and yet I was turned to for guidance and help, which only revealed to me that I’m not as lacking as I lead myself to believe. I don’t wish I didn’t see what faults and flaws I have to be worked on, I just wish I didn’t have such strong and lengthy periods when I feel enshrouded by my own self doubts. I’m working on daily positive mental reinforcement through acrively seeking 1 new good thing I experienced and/or accomplished each day. I’m working my way back to the Mr. Positive I was naturally so very many years ago. Thank you, again. I can’t feed the wolf inside that tells me I’m only where I’m at because of sheer luck. I need to feed the wolf inside that nurtures positivity, acknowledgment of my accomplishments, and allows me to make the most of being my positive and authentic self no matter where I find myself. Easier said than done, but I’m trying.
I’ve never heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect, and now I’ve got something to research 
. Thank you. I often get lost in the details of things, noticing all the nuances and intricacies that might get looked over. It causes me to spend more time worrying about what’s not been completed to the full degree that feels right to me, rather than doing exactly the level of work that’s expected of me. This also leads me to see the details in what I feel I’m failing, only to have others come up and compliment me on how I’ve done. I can say that now, after having today be a struggle, and yet I was turned to for guidance and help, which only revealed to me that I’m not as lacking as I lead myself to believe. I don’t wish I didn’t see what faults and flaws I have to be worked on, I just wish I didn’t have such strong and lengthy periods when I feel enshrouded by my own self doubts. I’m working on daily positive mental reinforcement through acrively seeking 1 new good thing I experienced and/or accomplished each day. I’m working my way back to the Mr. Positive I was naturally so very many years ago. Thank you, again. I can’t feed the wolf inside that tells me I’m only where I’m at because of sheer luck. I need to feed the wolf inside that nurtures positivity, acknowledgment of my accomplishments, and allows me to make the most of being my positive and authentic self no matter where I find myself. Easier said than done, but I’m trying.