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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to LEAVE ME ALONE by NF
My doubts tell me my wife would be better off without me in life.
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I lost my partner a few months ago, and I just want you to know my heart is full of pure ache to hear that you are feeling that anyone would ever feel this way about you.
I just want to encourage you to have this conversation with her. Your heart, your hurt and your pain- it all matters.
I used to tell my partner that I would rather mourn hearing the hurt he carries in life than to mourn his life.
I do mourn the hurt he held in his life, and I do mourn the hurt held in yours. You deserve to be heard and held.
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Oh friend. Of course I don’t know your wife or you personally, but there is no doubt that the last thing she would want is to lose you. Not having you by her side anymore would be a heartbreak and not something she could ever be prepared for.
For what it’s worth, I’ve been in your position with suicidal thoughts, on an off throughout my life. And one of the biggest lies that my mind always tried to convince me of when I am struggling the most, is that the people I love would be better off without me. somehow, it feels like leaving the face of earth would be a gift that I would do to them. But that’s not true. It’s a way for my mind to express the pain and justify the thoughts I have. But in noway the love that exists in my life could ever be erased by those lies, by the illusionsthat my mind creates.
Somehow, thinking this way helps to ease the fear of hurting the ones we love. It helps to ignore the reality of grief and how painful it actually is to lose someone, especially to suicide. It’s also a reflection of our pain and how WE feel about ourselves. When you are so tired of hurting and whendon’t see anyyourself as worthy, being alive feels like a mistake. Again, an unwanted burden. So the logicwouldbe that by disappearing we’re making this world better. It makes sense, why these thoughts are present, why it feels true at the moment. It serves a unique purpose and is part of all the trhings we might tell ourselves while we navigate such heavy pain in our heart. I know it hurts to think that these lies must be just lies too.
I don’t need to know you or know what you’ve done in life to guarantee you that you do matter, you do belong and you are important. You are making a positive difference in the life of people who love, even if they may not say it all the time, and even if it might be hard for you to see it. Beyond the pain that you’ve been experiencing, there is a world of love and care for you. You shouldn’t have to carry those burdens and thoughts alone. You are worthy of love and support during this painful time. This world, and your wife, would not better off without you. Sending plenty of hugs to you. 