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My dreams of Transitioning are shattered


#1

On January 5th, I was let out of the hospital after serious threats of trying to kill myself. I truely wanted to, I felt trapped in my situation and in my own body. What kept me going this whole time is being able to transition. My therapist says I can have my letter if I don’t self harm for a year, and as approaching January and I feelt on top of the world.

Well, as it turns out, my dad is broke and guess what? Fifteen year olds can’t find work. My dad is worried we won’t be able to afford any of it. The thing I decided to live for. Start going to school and selling my own personal items, my breakfast, my lunch. I got around 20$ for T. I planned on my grandma sending me money for a gift for my birthday, cutting the corners and BAM! 60$! Nope, my dad cancels those plans on me entirely, telling her she can buy it when she gets here for Crismas. I was counting on that as a, my only birthday present because my dad is broke, my mom doesn’t even live in the country, and after coming out, most of my family refuses to talk to me.

My dad complains that “I think money is free” even after I sold my own fucking breakfast for a quick buck so I can be happy. On top of that, he tells me when I tell him about the grandma situation that he’ll pay for it, and not even twelve hours later he tells me he’s going in debt.

The reason I come here is because I really don’t see a reason not to go back to hurting myself as the moment. Wall after wall is falling ontop of me and I feel like there isn’t a way out. My last options are wrisking getting expelled by selling a vape or things like that at school so I can. I’m losing hope fast.


#2

I understand that you feel trapped right now and things are hard, but you have to understand that just because you can’t transition now doesn’t mean you can’t transition later. I know a young man your age who is going to transition in the future. He understands that his parents can’t afford it but they love and accept him and help provide a nurturing environment so that it’s easier for him to handle the emotional distress he is dealing with. There are pre transition things you can look into that don’t cost as much but will help you feel more comfortable, just don’t blame someone for not being able to afford something so expensive. Transitioning and HRT is extremely expensive and most people can’t afford it until they are in their mid twenties to late 30s. It takes time and commitment and focus to be able to save up and afford it. Sometimes we need to understand that the only way we can get something is through our own hard work and perseverance. Self harm will not change who you are, but hard work and dedication will. You are loved, you are valid, and you are accepted. You got this


#3

I know it is is said than done but keep fighting and keep hanging in there. It is a setback yes but you will get through it. Are there any LGBT groups that you can connect with? They are great not only in support but also for connecting you to various resources. Please don’t sell vape or other things like that it is not going to be worth it later on. I’m sorry the most of your family does not accept you for you but know that there are others that do. You’re going through a lot right now just know that we are here and want to help you through it as best as we can. Keep hanging in there.


#4

Yes as a 15 years old it is difficult to find any job. Let me give you some ideas. The first is what newspapers call a subcontractor. You’ll need a signature, but what it is simpl;y put is a delivery boy/girl where you deliver newspapers.
The problem with this is that you might have to buy your gear (bags, etc.) most likely or maybe you won’t. It depends on the newspaper.
You can offer to walk dogs or babysit. You could offer to mow/pull weeds in people’s yards. You can rake the leaves.

I am sorry that everyone has isolated you for your coming out. Family can be assholes sometimes. They expect you to take on their expectations they have for you & aspire to them. When you don’t then they mostly abandon you.

Don’t depend on others because mostly you can’t. Everyone is human so the only way you can insure you get whatever you desire accomplish is to only trust yourself. It doesn’t mean you should reject others aid. It just means don’t expect it. This is different from asking for help or refusing help. If people offer then take it. Ask for help. The difference is if people reject helping you then don’t throw your hands up and give up. Do it yourself.

So if nobody is willing to help you in your transitioning. What I am saying is do it yourself by obtaining the funds to obtain it. The choice is yours. (I’m not going to tell you what you should do. I can only recommend what you can do. Please just remember there are reactions to your actions & consequences for anything you do. If you can’t deal with the aftermath whether it is bad or good then imo you should not do it. There be no point.)

Be patient. You can/will insure your transitioning. You and only you can find people that care about what you desire and want. That won’t push their expectations on you. Only you know who you are. I hope that you find them. I will cheer for you.


#5

Hey man, I know you are going through something really difficult right now. I’m trans too (mtf). You probably feel, like I do, that your body is betraying you. I wanted to be sm0l and cute. I never wanted to be a giant beast with a booming voice! I look in the mirror and I’m like “wtf is this even?”

That’s awesome that you have a therapist, and doubly awesome that you have a therapist who is supportive of your gender identity! (Not sure how I feel about them holding that letter hostage for a year. sounds questionable to me lol.) It sounds like mentally, you feel ready to transition. It sucks that you’re (financially) not able to. I’m sorry that you’re not able to start T right away. I’m in that same boat too, I don’t have good insurance and it won’t pay for my E.

But look, dude. You are still valid.I tell myself all the time, even though I’m a giant hairy person with a deep voice, I’m a lady. I don’t look like a lady right now, but I’m doing the things to look the way I want to look and sound that I can do without spending money. (I’m watching makeup tutorials and practicing speaking in a higher-pitched voice.) The same goes for you too: Even if you looked like a literal supermodel, it wouldn’t make you any less masculine. Anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is worthless and should be ignored! haha

There is always time to transition. It’s okay to start in your 20s. Hell, it’s okay to start in your 60s. It’s okay if you do not “pass” as your gender. Again, that’s what I tell myself and it helps.

If you feel stuck or you feel like there’s no way to go on, please call or text the number for your country: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

You deserve to be loved. You are valid.
:heartbeat::blue_heart::white_circle::blue_heart::heartbeat:


#6

Hey pal, I’m a trans guy too and I know it can feel hopeless sometimes, but keep in mind that even if it’s not immediate you WILL be able to transition. You may have to wait until you get a job, but that doesn’t mean you can’t transition. If you live in the US and get a job offer, you can go to your school’s guidance office to get a work permit or you can get a job under the table. As for your therapist, I agree that you should try not to self harm but I’m sorry that she’s making you wait a year. If you live in the US you can get T from planned parenthood. It’s not super expensive, especially if you have insurance, and they use the informed consent model so you don’t need a letter from a therapist. I wish you the best of luck and I know you’ll be able to transition, even if it takes a little longer than expected.