Back to heartsupport

My first worthless post about how worthless I am!

Why do I even try? It’s not like I’ll ever be good enough.

I try hard at school, my parents still yell at me. Yet my younger brother-with the same grades as me- gets praised. I try hard at being pretty, yet all the people who pass by me are always just way better looking then me. Compared to them…I’m a rat, they’re a beautiful horse or cat or some animal that’s amazing. I try hard at my responsibilities, still I have more things added to my list of things to do and the constant yelling that I’m doing them wrong.

Every morning, I walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror. I point out my every flaw and tell myself that “I am unlovable, I am pathetic, weak, flawed, fat, stupid, worthless,” etc. This is all just so I get the thought out of my head that I could ever be happy, pretty, or smart enough.

It’s so hard to just believe that my life will change for the better. How is it supposed to change if I can’t even talk to people right? Socializing sucks. I always have a stutter and I mess up my sentences. And how am I supposed to seem strong instead of weak if I have a panic attack while waiting in line for a flu shot? It didn’t even hurt that bad!!

Sometimes I think it’s better if I was just gone. I can imagine no future for myself. A job? My mind is blank. A family? My mind is blank. A house? My mind is blank. The only thing that I can imagine vividly is my grave. The worse thing is…I want to be cremated when I die and my family and friends know it. I can’t picture myself being cremated. So, my guess is that they just buried me in a cheap casket and got something with my name on it to show that I was dead.

If I ever go through with suicide, I imagine that my friends won’t even care. I barely even talk to them, or hang out with them. My family will be sad for a while, cry, mourn. Then after a few days, there will be no annoying voice yelling about some stupid thing my brother did. No person making a mess and making stupid mistakes time and time again. They’ll realize that they are way better off, and they’ll be happy. Moving on and finally forgetting about me.

Sometimes I wish I had an abusive family. Or that I got bullied. I know it’s bad, but I feel like I deserve that. I deserve someone telling me everyday that I’m worthless because it’s getting brining hearing it from myself every time. But then again, if I wish that I could be bullied then I don’t deserve it. Nothing that will make me happy, nothing that I think I deserve, nothing that I wish for should ever be given to me. So I guess in a way, I do want something happy for myself. And if I think I don’t deserve it, then I do. Because what I think I don’t deserve is my family, music, crushes, and other things like that.

I’m sorry for ranting. Night to all the people reading this.

3 Likes

Hi !

I am so sorry that you are seeing yourself like you are a worthless and that you are having those thought. I am not a expert or anything but to live with those thought…it had to be really hard.

I had those thought too and when I do some mistake those thought get stronger. But what I learn is that those thought are only that…thought.

And even that if you think that you not deserve anything, try to do the thing you like to do and try to have a little happy time, you really deserve it.

I know that you dont think this but you deserve a lot of thing, love, happinest and etc. I know that you dont see yourself with a lot of think in the future but I dont see it too. For now try not to think in the future and try to only think in the present. The past is in the past and you can change it but the present is your time.

It isnt easy to forgive and love yourself but is worth trying for. So my advice would be, try to look into the mirror and try to say at least a one positive thing. If you do it everyday maybe you will feel a little better.

Take care and remember you arent alone.

Have a good day :heart:

2 Likes