Why do I even try? It’s not like I’ll ever be good enough.
I try hard at school, my parents still yell at me. Yet my younger brother-with the same grades as me- gets praised. I try hard at being pretty, yet all the people who pass by me are always just way better looking then me. Compared to them…I’m a rat, they’re a beautiful horse or cat or some animal that’s amazing. I try hard at my responsibilities, still I have more things added to my list of things to do and the constant yelling that I’m doing them wrong.
Every morning, I walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror. I point out my every flaw and tell myself that “I am unlovable, I am pathetic, weak, flawed, fat, stupid, worthless,” etc. This is all just so I get the thought out of my head that I could ever be happy, pretty, or smart enough.
It’s so hard to just believe that my life will change for the better. How is it supposed to change if I can’t even talk to people right? Socializing sucks. I always have a stutter and I mess up my sentences. And how am I supposed to seem strong instead of weak if I have a panic attack while waiting in line for a flu shot? It didn’t even hurt that bad!!
Sometimes I think it’s better if I was just gone. I can imagine no future for myself. A job? My mind is blank. A family? My mind is blank. A house? My mind is blank. The only thing that I can imagine vividly is my grave. The worse thing is…I want to be cremated when I die and my family and friends know it. I can’t picture myself being cremated. So, my guess is that they just buried me in a cheap casket and got something with my name on it to show that I was dead.
If I ever go through with suicide, I imagine that my friends won’t even care. I barely even talk to them, or hang out with them. My family will be sad for a while, cry, mourn. Then after a few days, there will be no annoying voice yelling about some stupid thing my brother did. No person making a mess and making stupid mistakes time and time again. They’ll realize that they are way better off, and they’ll be happy. Moving on and finally forgetting about me.
Sometimes I wish I had an abusive family. Or that I got bullied. I know it’s bad, but I feel like I deserve that. I deserve someone telling me everyday that I’m worthless because it’s getting brining hearing it from myself every time. But then again, if I wish that I could be bullied then I don’t deserve it. Nothing that will make me happy, nothing that I think I deserve, nothing that I wish for should ever be given to me. So I guess in a way, I do want something happy for myself. And if I think I don’t deserve it, then I do. Because what I think I don’t deserve is my family, music, crushes, and other things like that.
I’m sorry for ranting. Night to all the people reading this.
