I was going to write about this in my journal and not share it but I would like encouragement about the whole situation. this last weekend was my grandma’s funeral. and I expected it to be hard and it definitely was. when you see someone you have spent your whole life around in a casket, it’s a weird feeling. for me, it wasn’t scary but was uncomfortable. getting out of the car at the cemetery, I honestly thought I could keep it together for the most part. I knew I’d cry but I told myself I was gonna try to not have a breakdown for the sake of the other people around me and for my brother. once people started to show up, and once I started getting hugs and empathy I broke down. I don’t like crying in front of people, especially people who have known me since I was little, but it was kind of nice to receive love and comfort from them. once the funeral started, I was very scared. I was scared about how my brother would handle it and how my dad would handle it. I held my brothers hand for the majority of the time and tried my hardest not to look at him because I knew I’d start crying even more if I looked at him. My dad was very strong while talking about my grandma (his mom), and towards the end started to get choked up, but I don’t think he cried. I’ve never seen him cry before and my mom says that one of the only times she’s seen him cry is when my grandpa (his dad) passed away. this may sound selfish, but I don’t know if I could’ve handled it if I saw my dad cry. after the funeral, I continued to hug people and thank them for coming through tears. I really did hate crying in front of them, but you just can’t help it in a situation like that. my brother didn’t take it well. he wanted the two of us to go for a walk or sit somewhere so we did, and he just cried. then once everyone left and we were the only ones there, he said he wanted to be alone with my grandma for a few minutes and talk to her. I didn’t want to leave him alone, but I stepped away anyways, and it broke my heart. I felt another level of pain when I saw my brother talking to my grandma’s casket and telling her things he never got to tell her while she was alive. I think I felt this pain because I didn’t want him to have to go through this at this age. I know I can’t do anything about it, im just very protective of him, so maybe just seeing him go through those emotions was rough. I wanted to talk to her, but I didn’t know what to say. a part of me just held myself back, and I feel bad for that. I should’ve talked to her. because my brother was having such a hard time with this, the people who worked at the grave site offered to have her lowered right then so he could watch, they thought it would be sort of like a closure for the family/my brother. it was very weird seeing her be lowered but it did bring a sense of clarity. I just am so worried about my brother and dad. my dad doesn’t open up a whole lot and I feel like he’s struggling more than we know. he has a right to struggle with this, but I guess when you’re expecting someone to pass and they know that it’s their time to go, it’s not as hard? I just hope we can all start to feel better. the grieving process is so awful. I really should’ve talked to my grandma more, and hung around her more. she really was amazing and I didn’t appreciate her enough. she really did everything for us and she wanted nothing in return. she was a beautiful women with the brightest spirit and it sucks that I’m realizing that now
hey @nicole_kaley
sorry for you loss . just know its okay to cry. my family was the same way when we lost my grandfather (on my dads side). i will be here for you.
hold fast friend we love you !
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Condolence, I just put my last grandparent in the ground this past February. Its ok to cry. Its ok to be angry its ok for the roller coaster of emotions you are riding. I can relate to the surrealness of it all. But celebrate her life and remember the joy you had to know her.
The fog and confusion will lift. Cherish her thoughts of her and the love and knowing of her.
I hope you find peace and solace in this time of loss. Thank you for sharing