My Hardwiring is Wrong

Let me preface this by saying : I am totally aware that this is not worth a post but I don’t know where else to look for help.

It’s 2 AM here I think and I can’t sleep. I keep playing social interactions that I messed up or didn’t like in my head. my brain has determined that I need to cut ties with all the people who I said too much to. Anyone I talked to in the past two days. It could be as small as saying a word incorrectly, or talking too much. I don’t want to cut ties with them but I don’t know how to cope with the constant regret and self hatred. I need help.

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Hey. Thank you so much for reaching out. I’m sorry that you’re going through such a tough time. I think a little bit of anxiety about some social interactions is normal. When that anxiety becomes out of control, take a few deep breaths and give yourself some grace. Say to yourself “I am enough” as many times as you need until you start to believe it. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you but if you feel like you need the support, then seek professional help. There is no shame in it. We all make mistakes and you are no less valuable because of them. Please reach out again if you need more support.

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Its outside of the moment. I guess in the moment I feel like im doing alright but then two days later my brain will say, “you idiot, you really decided to talk for 2 hours to a coworker” and then it turns to “they probably think you’re annoying or just stupid”. It gets really bad. I have struggled with wanting to just numb myself from feelings. To just find something that takes away my personality so that I don’t have to deal with the self-hatred anymore. I’m stuck because no matter how many deep breaths I take, my brain remembers every single mannerism that I subconsciously hated in the moment and brings them up later.