Good morning my friend. Thank you for commenting and allowing others to be there for you in your time of need. I know that for me, sometimes talking about it is the hardest part.
You mention feeling numb and that you havent found much concern in those around you. That the generational refrain of “man up” was the closest youve gotten and that now you are on social media more and more and seeing no end in sight.
Im sorry. And i say that from a place of genuine concern, not pity. I am truly sorry.
I imagine that, without support systems or close relationships, the loneliness feels a lot like a sort of prison for a crime you cannot name.
And as men we tend to shrug this off as “it’s not a big deal” - because there’s strength in nonchalance and weakness in pain. Or so we’ve been told.
I grew up in a similar way. I was quite the emotional child. Sensitive to absence. Lonely. Some might say needy. And that developed into a child who had attachment issues. At 16 I asked to go to therapy. I noticed that I spoke to myself harshly - more harshly than most kids. I would actively tell myself that I was worthless or garbage.
But the rebuttal was “you’re a teenager. You’re just going through teenager stuff”
The lesson of “man up” or “toughen up” was all around me.
I didnt make lots of friends in school and the ones I did make were the friend group that liked to haze or make fun of someone anytime they hung out. As if I didnt have issues with insecurities, they were brough further forward when pointed at and laughed about. Maybe the whole group was struggling and that was how they coped.
I was a hurt person. I jumped into bad relationships, treated people poorly, and then walled myself off from everyone until i found someone else. It was all for validation. All to feel loved. And it’s sort of funny that wanting to feel loved ended with numbness.
In that though, I found myself. Somehow I found that I had to be responsible for my life and my happiness. My mental health wasnt great, but I kept engaging in the cycles that kept it there. I was avoiding therapy. Avoiding honesty.
Im not insinuating that this is the case for you. But maybe we arent so different. Maybe there are things to pull out of this.
I didnt have long standing friendships until this year. Im 32 years old and i can safely say that I actually have people around me that care in genuine ways.
I think you can do that too. I think people would want to care about you.
I hope youre ok friend. Please done hesitate to seek help, to post for support. Take care of yourself, okay?
Hold fast.