My Life has No Value

I’m so tired of being worthless. I’m so tired of being a loser. I’m fucking tired of being pathetic. I’m fucking tired of being disgusting. I hate how I look, talk, act, move, behave. Everything about me is shit. I hate being trans. I hate this shit so fucking much it hurts so much. Why can’t I be normal? Why couldn’t I be born feminine? Why do we have to live in a world where gender and sex have to be seen as the same? Why can’t we express ourselves the way we want? How is that I live in conditions better than most people, especially most trans people, yet I’m fucking depressed. It makes no sense. My life has no fucking value. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I can’t be smart, funny, kind, take a fucking joke. I have zero confidence. I’m always awkward. People barely understand me when I talk because I’m so quiet and stutter every single fucking time. I hate looking at what’s in the mirror. It’s wrong, it’s putrid, it’s gross, it doesn’t deserve to exist.

It doesn’t fucking help. None of it fucking helps. I keep looking up suicide resources and articles and advice and videos and they don’t fucking do anything. I still hate myself and always will. I try wearing women’s clothing and I still get misgendered, it doesn’t fucking matter. I’ll always been seen as something I’m not. Even if I was, I’d still be an awkward loser. Being a she/they makes the most sense to me but I have no one to talk to about this. Nobody else sees me as how I see myself. Fuck this, I’m a piece of fucking dog shit. I wish I had the courage to kill myself.

I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know why I’m like this, I just don’t understand. I hate being me so fucking much. The only tiny sliver of fucking anything to look forward to is getting on estrogen, and even then I don’t know if that’ll actually fucking happen because HRT is SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE! FUCK!! My parents don’t even like me wearing EYELINER. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I’m sick of being me. It hurts so fucking much. I can barely even cry. What the fuck is wrong with me?

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I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. Being trans is not always easy but you are a valuable and wonderful human being and you deserve happiness.
I don’t know where you live but I found the number of Trans lifeline in the US/Canada: Phone: 1 877 565-8860; (877) 330-6366 (Canada)
I also found the Trevor Project LGBTQ+ Helpline: Phone (24/7): 1-866-488-7386
Text START to 678-678
On the website you can also chat https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/

I know there is IRL help out there too, where I live the local mental health center offers group support for trans people. I hope you are able to find support in your environment, you deserve that because you don’t have to do this alone :heart:
If you are out of the US I could look for resources in your country.
I am rooting for you!

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@bami_enby Your life has value because you have breath in your lungs. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a really rough season, and we’re here to support you and push you though this. Nothing is wrong with you; you’re doing your absolute best to keep afloat and you’re doing a great job. The world would be less-bright without you in it, so I need you to hold on until the storm passes. It sucks, it hurts, I know - but you can do this. I believe in you. You’re loved.

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I’m just tired of being me. I’m tired of looking in the mirror and all I see is a worthless, disgusting piece of shit. I can’t make these thoughts go away. I hate myself so fucking much

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Hey my friend. You’re loved. I don’t know you personally, but i am glad you’re here. I’m glad i get the opportunity to respond to you today, to help shoulder some of the burden today. heartsupport — Mozilla Firefox - My Life has No Value - HeartSupport / Support - heartsupport — Mozilla Firefox - 6 April 2024 | Loom

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It doesn’t matter. I’m on estrogen now and I’m still a loser. I’m still worthless. I’ve accomplished nothing in my worthless life and I’m tired of pretending I have a reason to live. All the fucking resources I look up online say so much of the same fucking shit. None of it helps. I can’t get over myself. I try to ignore my feelings but they always surface back anyway. Being a disgusting piece of shit doesn’t provide any good reason to be alive. Nothing will happen when I die. The world will keep spinning, life will go on. Nothing of value will be lost and I’m tired of being told that that’s not true. I know myself and I know I don’t have shit to contribute and have no future. The speeches, the platitudes of “you matter” are hollow to me.

Hey my friend. Late getting back here.

I definitely understand what you mean. I just want you to know that you don’t need to earn love. Contributing or providing or creating or making stuff as a means to earn our right to exist is a lie fed to us by…well…the world.

One of my favorite quotes is “We’re here because we’re here.”

As someone who was so obsessed with “making it” and “becoming something so people would love me”, I often have to repeat the quote on loop. “We’re here because we’re here because we’re here.”

I deserve love because I exist. I don’t think you would argue that with me.
In this way, you too deserve love because you exist.

I appreciate you.

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