My life is a mess idk how to help myself

Let me start off with this: my “mom” is not actually my mom by blood. My grandmother and the person raising me (who i call mom) have been friends for ages, like this person raising me helped raise my birth mother and aunt from age 9 to 16. My birth mom was given the shit treatment, my aunt was favorited. My birth mother had enough of her mom’s (my grandmother) shit and left for her dad, though her dad was a druggy and abusive and got her being a druggy. My grandmother resented and hated my birth mother for this departure, and got her revenge a few years later, when she had me. My birth mom was trying to shake the drugs and shit, but couldn’t manage me and rehab, so she asked my grandmother (a little frantically and a little violently) to come take me 2 times, then the 3rd time my grandmother was like "im sick of having to have my friend (the person i call mom, who helped raise my aunt and bio mom) go over there and get him, either leave him with me for 6 months and get your shit together or keep him over there. My mom opted to let my grandmother take me for 6 months, except as soon as she signed the papers, my grandmother spilled all the info about my bio moms habits to a judge and got full custody of me. She split custody of me with the person i now call mom, and they lived together for a bit raising me and then for reasons i cant quite recall they moved to separate places. So after 14 years of dealing with my grandmother (sound familiar?) i left to live with the person i call mom, that was nearly 4 years ago. She was always good to me and nice and such but over the last few years, ive had to deal with her slowly becoming more and more, bitter and then once all my issues started festering, she just did a 180 and seemingly instantly became the way she is now.
She wont let me do anything but the bare minimum of therapy and support, she demonizes any medicines that could help me, she blames the only medicine helping me as the thing harming me. She convinced my psych to switch my meds and shes complaining about this one too. We always fight, being around her causes me immense anxiety, we never get along, we live in a tiny ass house so we are always squashed together the only freedom i get is in my room. She always yells at me for trying to find a place to live at 17. There’s minimal support here and a lot of fighting. My mom loves to make me feel like shit then treat me right and then when i ask her to stop antagonizing me and making fun of my anxiety she throws the good stuff she does back in my face saying "I’m good to you, if i didn’t want you why would i take you in"See I have this pleasant little glitch in my brain where If I get myself into a situation, doesn’t matter how simple it is, like, trying to put something away and i am distracted and forget what im doing or i dont have clear enough instructions I freak the fuck out and she likes to poke fun at that saying stuff like “how simple do i have to make it” or “there’s nothing to figure out just do it quit being stupid” Oh and then there’s my stim, my auditorial stim that i do when i get stressed that she LOVES to mock. Therapy for a year and a half ish didn’t do much, i cant take medicines without my mother blaming them for everything, i cant really talk to my therapist or psychiatrist because shes told them so much BS, shes a fucking boomer (no offence to boomers that are decent).She grew up in the “suck it up and deal with it” era. She’s stuck to that, and made my life hell as you can tell. I’m all alone, no life skills no real life friends, no one. I’ve got mood congruent psychosis, major depressive disorder, severe anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder,PTSD, suspected bi polar and autism. I cant work drive or socialize because of anxiety.
I guess what i’m trying to say is after 14 years of mental and emotional abuse at the hands of my grandmother, everyone telling me shes my grandmother so I should love her. Nearly a year of physical emotional and verbal abuse at the hands of someone I love, my ex girlfriend,(different post for a different day) that only ended a few months ago. 5+ years of being bullied in public school, my entire life of no one knowing how to deal with me so they just sweep me to the side, being yelled at and degraded for who I am, being blamed for my issues, being yelled at because I dont understand.People ignoring my issues, me getting upset and snapping, then everyone uses those issues against me and blames me for not controlling myself. WHEN THEY DIDN’T DO FUCKING SHIT TO HELP ME ONCE. I didn’t even know what I was going through was abuse for 14 years i didn’t even think the word abused applied to me for 3 and a half fucking years I went untreated after the abuse had ended and now so many diagnosis have been dumped on me I cant make heads or tales of any of this shit,I just want my life to be normal. However,now I’m coming to terms with the fact I’ve lied to myself and been forced to live a lie. Its not a wonder i had some issues with my image. I’m fucking transgender on-top of all that shit turns out those little “quirks” I had people made fun of, was gender dysphoria. I have no idea why the thought of that makes me so enraged and upset but it fucking does. I can’t seem to stay happy. I’m always apologizing, I’m always paranoid I’m annoying, I’m always feeling in the way. I never go outside, I don’t socialize much irl, for fucks sake I got kicked out of school for being too mentally unstable. I can’t work, I can’t drive, I can’t go out alone, I can’t function in society because of depression and anxiety. I’m always laying around, not doing anything, I don’t even have the energy to game or anything. Nothing seems fun, and I’m getting in that scary mindset again. I’ve tried to find friends to live with, I’ve asked extended family and friends. I have no support in my physical life, and the only friends of salt i have are online friends. I’m consistently forced to keep my emotions bogged down. I have to maintain an image when I’m around my mom which is all the time. If i break this image or it I show signs that something is bothering me, she will ask questions, and if I tell her that anything she’s doing is upsetting me I get screamed at. She always makes comments on my appearance or my weight. Self care is rock bottom on my priority list, I don’t clean up myself or after myself much. I don’t leave her house a mess, infact everything outside my room is neat. If I try to explain to her that I’m too depressed to care about myself I get yelled at for acting stupid. When my anxiety acts up or I need to stim she says I’m being stupid. She’s always watching Netflix or is always on her pc, that’s fine so am I. But I can’t ever talk to her without getting yelled at. She does everything for me, but she also does those other things. I am so confused so stressed so bottled up. It makes me explosive, touchy, angry, emotional. It’s causing me to loose friendships, to be removed from online social groups. I legit do not know what to do. She blows everything out of proportion, she grills me, i cannot go to anyones house without 20 questions or her trying to scare me by listing all the murders and stuff she’s seen on TV and the news. please help, my mental health is not hanging in there well and im out of ideas on how to leave home.

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first of all im so sorry you have to go through this or any of the things you have gone through. You should not be ashamed of who you are. Those are things you can not control, you cant control how you feel or how that affects you. Have you tried talking to your therapist about your mom nd how she handles things? Is there maybe a place close by that you can just go sit and think? If not and your are completely stuck in the house i think you should confront her, what she says is probably going to not be as positive as you want but, she needs to know how she is making you feel. You said you have previously tried talking to her but this time, even if she yells, try to stay calm i know thats alot to ask especially with anxiety ( I know from experience) but she needs to know that yea she is providing for you but she is not making you feel better mentally and if she doesn’t take you seriously im sorry and im sorry if you have already tried this and it doesnt work out but then yk you have did everything. What ever happens is not your fault you are already under enough stress just being in that house.
But i want you to know i am here for you and whatever you have to or need to say. I dont mind because it is easier for me to help people than myself so if you have anythings else to say im here and i want to see you get better :slight_smile:

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Thank you, if you have discord we can talk there my user on here is the same there just put a # before the numbers

Your welcome and i got it rn so i could talk. But i realized my “Audio” doesn’t work so im so sorry. im using a computer which is all i have. :((