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My life is crumbling

I’m new here but i have a lot to talk about. I’ve been lying to my friends, my family and i’ve lost one of my best friends due to my lies and mistakes. Without him i feel empty. He was the one who gave light to my world, and I broke our friendship and his trust in me forever.
I keep on telling myself that it’s not my fault. I’ve been feeling depressed and stressed and suicidal for years, and every time I try to finally end my life, I just fail at the last second. I feel like a burden to my family and friends, I know my mistakes and i lose sleep over them. I feel useless, i feel like a dick, someone who only exists to make people suffer. I’m sorry if this felt like a documentary instead of what its supposed to be, I just needed to rant.

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Hey friend,
Welcome to Heartsupport.
You don’t need to apologise at all, so don’t worry about coming here even to rant. We’re here for you :slight_smile:
It’s good you’ve recognised things and it sounds like you want to change them. Trying to end your life isn’t the answer, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I can promise you, you’re not a burden. They’ll want to see you get better.
With the lying, do you think you can speak to the people you’ve lied to? Can you try and make things better with the people you’ve fallen out with over it?
I know what its like to lose your best friend, and it may not be the same as it was, but if you speak with him maybe he’ll understand a little.

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There is no contact with my friend, They are in another country, And on all their socials, I have been blocked. I do not blame them though. Thank you for telling me I’m not a burden.

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Ah, I didn’t realise it’s not a face to face friend. In that case I think you need to try and get closure in your head for it. Everyone makes mistakes, that doesn’t make you a bad person though. And it sounds like you want to work on the lying?

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Yeah, I of course make small lies (everyone does that). But I want to work on the lying that hurts me and others, that’s where my humanity is basically on the edge.

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Hey @Inferno,

You’re certainly not a burden or made to make people suffer. What you’re going through is painful as you are eperiencing a loss. It’s is admirable that, despite the pain, you manage to acknowledge the mistakes that were made and are willing to work on them.

Do you have an idea of the main reasons why you lie/what need does it respond to for you? Because there’s a need behind it that you will learn to fulfill differently, if you’d like to work on it.

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I don’t know, I think I do it just to fit in. I just lie to lie if that makes sense.

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Yes, that makes sense. May I ask what are the lies about, generally? Rest assured that there is no judgment here and it can be discussed openly. But, no pressure on my end. You share what you want and are comfortable with, always.

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Well, not typical bad lies that people tell. No, like lies that change your personality, I’m told by many people in real life that I’m a nice person, but I’m known as an ass on social media, I don’t know why it happens.

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Everyone is different on social media to how they are in real life! You can type and delete and retype and delete before sending etc… people think I’m different off social media too, that doesn’t mean you’re lying about things, it’s just having more confidence? Or is it you’re actually telling lies in real life to fit in but don’t care on social media what people think?

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Not exactly, Its a little more complicated than that. I dont know myself why I lie online, But weird thing is, I dont do it on purpose. I dont know why i lie online AND i dont know how i dont realize that i lie.