I fell upon this website because i was having a breakdown and i searched up ‘i want to kill myself but i dont want to die’ and i read an entry and felt like maybe if i write something, even if i dont get an answer, it could help… even a little.
ive been depressed before. but i had a reason. a mixture of me being super stressed about school, and feeling like i was losing the only friend that mattered to me, set me onto a dark dark path of clinical depression. but somehow i managed to get out of it, i think its because i somewhat knew the cause. im someone that hates to feel alone, without my best friend i felt abandoned, so i went to find new friends, and afterwards, i explained how i was feeling to my bestie and we figured it out.
a year later, im here again, but its the worse thing i have ever experienced, it is ruining who i am now, and ruining my future, and i dont even know why. im not motivated to do anything at all. i went from a girl that is always motivated to do her schoolwork, to someone that is lazy, and can barely get a word on page until the morning of the due date. im behind in all my classes. and it makes me so fucking dissapointed in myself. im a high acheiver that is too lazy to do anything. im an artist. but i havent drawn or written in months. im failing my online class. im losing touch with who i want to be. i just want to die. i want to end it all. i feel these random outburts of pain and then feel the need to hurt myself, like punch myself or slap myself in the face. but i dont want to die. i just want my pain to end. and to think i was getting better for a moment. i was doing well and then somehow i crashed down again. a few days ago i was going up stairs in the subway, and i turned behind me, and i actually fucking contemplated just leaning backwards. so that i could die or end up in the hospital so i have a reason to not do my presentation. i have a presentation tommorrow and ive had all day to work on it but i just cant.
my life is fucking falling apart. im in eleventh grade, and this year is SO important for my future, for the university i want to go to. but now because of this fucking fuckery im going through, all that is down the drain. all of it. i used to be an all A’s student by the way. and in one semester, i managed to go down to C’s. in one semester. i want to die i want to stop living and i want this to end.
i dont know how to fix this. i want to fix my life. but i dont think its possible. i get out of it then i crash down again and again.