For the past two years, I’ve been in college on the opposite side of the country from where I grew up. I was really hopeful and excited to plunge myself into college life, but ever since I arrived (like literally the day I stepped onto campus) I have been encompassed by a deep sense of loneliness. I had friends in high school who I loved, but it’s been hard to keep up with them since coming to school and the wilting of those relationships crushes me. I didn’t really make friends to fill the gap at school. I was my normal friendly self, a person who moved three times as a child and didn’t have any trouble making friends where I ended up. But for some reason people at school didn’t respond to it and didn’t like me. I had never been a super popular kid, but until I came to college I also had never been iced out or shamed. I feel like I can’t do anything right with the people at my school. I only have one friend there, and we’re mostly friend because somehow we both got put on the outskirts. I feel like I’m living someshitty high school movie except I’m 3,000 miles away from everyone and everything I am comfortable with and this isn’t supposed to be happening because I’m 21 years old god damn it.
This experience has made me question so much about myself. Did I really have friends in high school? It’s hard to keep up with them now so maybe they never really liked me that much. Maybe these college people are seeing a repulsiveness in me that was always there but because I was a kid I pilent recognize it myself. I am gross, I am a bitch, I am quiet and boring and hard to get along with. Most of all, the image I had on myself as walking into adulthood and taking on the world has been shattered. I once thought I had what it took to be a happy, loved persona and now I feel so so stupid for ever thinking that.
I know how whiny all of this sounds and that there are people who struggle with problems much worse than mine. I have have felt so fundamentally alone these past two years and it has been hell. If anyone has had similair experiences or thought please let me know
Hey Jack, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard without a support system, I can understand. I’ve been through something similar as you, and I often have to ask myself, is it me or is it the world? Do we define our self worth based on what the world sees and thinks of us or on what we feel and think of ourselves? There could be facts in both perspectives but one quote comes to mind “leaders aren’t born, they are made.” Maybe its not that we should question our worth on what we think or someone else thinks but on what we do. If we have that perspective and approach, if we consistently do things that make us proud of ourselves we will have a different understanding of our self worth. Then whether anyone acknowledges it or not, you yourself will know. “In the end to thine own self be true.” When you start feeling negative take yourself outside or somewhere that inspires you. I don’t believe that one should try to ignore negative feelings but never give them too much time either. Feel it, understand it, then let it go. It’s not easy to do; i myself am working on it and have come here looking for support …but there is one thing that is true for every human, we all have the potential to be amazing. There is a whooooole world out there, you are young and you have so much to see and do out there. Be inspired and know that things get better with time. Meanwhile know that you are valuable, it took 21 years to be you here right now, there is only one of you, a unique combination, and you can be your best self. Focus on building you and the rest of the noise will fade.
I’m proud of you for coming here, it’s a step in building a support system. You can also try to see a counselor. For friends try to find people that have the same hobbies as you, do activities that help you bond with others. You could volunteer, it’s a great way to help and meet people. Or even join activities at school. It’s not easy, but we just have to keep trying until we find our tribe