My wife and I have been consistently missing the mark when it comes to fulfilling each other’s needs. I have not been very present over our 6 year relationship 4 years married. But just recently we have decided that it would be best for me to move out. I am struggling very hard with the terms and a very long difficult past of emotional turmoil. This will be the first time I’ve lived on my own and to be honest I’m terrified. Thankfully we aren’t at each other’s throats throughout this process. But that still doesn’t make it any easier. I have struggled with temporary dark thoughts of self harm but I know that it’s not the right choice. But I hate this pain that I am in.
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Hi Toast,
I’m sorry to hear that you and your wife are separating. As a married person myself, I can definitely understand the weight of that. I hope that in time you learn to overcome the pain of the separation.
“My wife and I have been consistently missing the mark when it comes to fulfilling each other’s needs. I have not been very present over our 6 year relationship 4 years married.”
This is an interesting couple of opening statements. It seems that although you put a great deal of effort into your relationship, perhaps it is a good thing that you split up. Hear me out. 50% of marriages tend to fail in the US at least, and they say the first 5 years of marriage are the hardest. If neither of you have been willing to put the marriage and each other first, perhaps you weren’t ready to be married. And I totally get it, it’s hard. Sometimes it means carrying the weight of your spouses troubles when you already feel overwhelmed. Sometimes it’s making ends meet against all odds when they can’t hold a job. Sometimes it means being strong for each other when you lose someone. Marriages are very give and take, and if you can’t be present for that, as you stated, it’s best to not draw it out.
Take this time to focus on you and your needs. Decide what you want in a relationship, if you want a relationship. Separating doesn’t always mean it’s over for good, but both parties need to be 100% invested for it to work out in the end.
I know the thought of living on your own is scary - I never thought I could ever have my own apartment even, and the first night I did I had a major panic attack because I didn’t think I could do it. In the end, it all worked out though. I just needed to reassess and work through it. And it helps too, that you aren’t at each bothers throats like you said. This definitely makes this difficult task a little easier.
TL;DR - use this opportunity to take care of yourself and consider what you want from a relationship, as marriages are difficult to maintain and both parties need to be in it 100%. This doesn’t have to be the end, although there probably needs to be some serious thought about whether or not this relationship is healthy for either party.
I know this probably isn’t easy to hear so soon, but I think it’s important to stay positive. You can pull yourself through this hardship with hard work and perseverance. Nothing is ever hopeless. Sending good vibes you way - I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.
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